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Support from partner in weeks after giving birth.

(15 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Wed 19-Mar-14 09:52:57

I posted yesterday about my situation. Thanks for all the good advice.

Basically Exdp & i parted before Christmas. I gave birth to dc4 6 weeks ago.

Exdp hasn't been to see any of the dc since Christmas til last weekend. He met the baby last weekend.

We were talking on the phone last night & he said that I always ' go funny' after giving birth. That i never gave him any credit for anything he did...

Actually it's that I expected sod all from him but they were the only times I needed some support. I must point out after dc1&2 I was very ill with retained products & infections. Dc3 was easier but dc was very challenging as he has ASD & ADHD but weren't aware of why he was so difficult.

It's not too much to expect a dp to cook the odd dinner, look after the dc or even take care of the mother of their child in the days after a baby is born.

AIBU? I got so angry last night. He either is incapable or choses to ignore that I might need/needed support. Yet he wants me to care for him after having major, life threatening surgery that is likely to take place in the next few months.

I had a MMC last year. He didn't even turn up at the hospital. I was sitting there dressed & ready to go home when he eventually turned up. His excuse? He had hoovered the house & cleaned out the goldfish.

When ds was due to be diagnosed he was working nights & just didn't come home... ds wasn't diagnosed. It took another year. He didn't & wouldn't come to 1 appointment.

In the name of God I've wasted nearly 15 years with this stupid man child!!

How do i make him see my point of view or to understand???

Shellywelly1973 Wed 19-Mar-14 09:58:17

I gave two examples of how he let me down but it's actually the day to day, constantly not supporting me that drove me nuts!

I can't even put it into words & for some weird reason I've suddenly become really angry at him!

fuzzywuzzy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:02:42

He's an ex, why is he expecting you to care for him after surgery?

I will be flamed for this, but I wouldn't I'd check to see how he is (same as I would anyone else), but I would not be his nursemaid whilst he recovers, you have children to care for and your own post partum recovery to get thro.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:07:44

Because he wants us to try again but I strongly suspect if he wasn't have the op he wouldn't be do keen to come home.

I asked him to leave.

We were talking yesterday to see if there's any way forward for our relationship.

Shellywelly1973 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:08:18

Sorry for typos on phone!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Mar-14 10:16:24

You will NEVER make him see your point or understand.

Because he is either a. very, very stupid or b. very, very selfish.

I would probably go for b. with a little bit of a.

The point is that no, a selfish person whose main interest is getting you to basically serve them is NEVER going to listen to you and say, 'oh yes, you're right, I've spent our entire relationship sucking you dry, taking taking taking, and the second you actually stop being able to serve me like a bloody automatic vending machine because you're ill/just given birth, I walk away from you because you're of no use to me. How awful I am, I will change immediately.'

He doesn't want to listen to how awful he is, because he LIKES being that awful because it gets him the life he wants. Being given everything, helped with everything, never having to be put out. He doesn't want to hear you telling him that his preferred lifestyle is WRONG.

It just doesn't compute. Listen to what he's said - he interprets you actually needing support as 'going weird'. That's right. You're not even HUMAN to him. You're just some kind of vending machine. When it stops putting out, it's broken in some way.

Nothing you say will make a dent in a completely, utterly selfish pig like this. They cannot undertand because they simply lack the humanity to be able to recognise someone needing support from them. They don't do that sort of thing. They exist to take. Taking is normal life and anything else is 'you going weird'.

What to do? Well, I'd say that the outcome you are aiming for is you to be happy, yes?

How to get that?

-By talking to him? No, for all reasons above. So stop talking.

- By getting angry? Yes. Angry is good. It's the appropriate response. And it stops you doing stuff for him and thus being used and abused any more.

- By completely cutting him out of your life? Yes, if at all possible. No more 'relationship'. You want to be happy, not spending your life serving a knob. No 'friendship' - he isn't able to be a friend, ie someone who helps, supports, etc.

'I won't be having anything to do with you. Find support elsewhere after your operation. When I was ill or post-partum and needed support, you ran out on me, so I'm going to do exactly the same to you. Do I love you? No. You only take and hurt, so no. Do I care if you're ok? Not really, no - you didn't care that I was ok so I can only assume that there is no bond like that between us.'

'I don't appreciate what you've done? Clearly not. If you consider yourself to have been a perfect partner and really helpful and supportive, then I suggest you take that help and support elsewhere and find another person who can appreciate it, because clearly we simply don't see this the same way. If you are such a wonderful person, I'm sure you won't have any trouble finding someone new who is much better than me.'

'How can I abandon you when you're having an operation? Well, if you just think back to the last few months and how you felt when you did not visit your children or have any contact with your new baby, leaving me alone to do it all when I'd just given birth - think of what you were thinking in your head when you were doing that, now imagine that I feel exactly the same level of concern for you - and you should understand it all just fine.'

wallaby73 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:23:41

I fail to see what positives this person could bring to your life.......you do have a choice you know, and are free to exercise it. He "expects" so much, why should you roll over and agree? Strikes me he sees you as servile.....is that where you want to set your bar? Please just don't allow this gopper back in your life to drain you further x

craftynclothy Wed 19-Mar-14 10:31:31

I think the words you need are "I can't possibly look after you after your operation. There's some hoovering to do and a goldfish to clean out so look after your fucking self "

43percentburnt Wed 19-Mar-14 10:41:56

Brunos responses are spot on.

Disengage, ignore, he is crawling back because he wants something from you.

He sounds very self absorbed.

Guiltypleasures001 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:44:33

Shelly

Flip your post and your question, why is it so important to you that he sees your point and understands? Does it matter in the scheme of things, if he was to say yes ok I understand but still chooses the same path will that make you feel better?

You cannot change the way someone process their thoughts and actions, the only way to negate this type of behaviour is to see it before it starts and not get involved with that type of person.
You two are toxic together there is no common ground, once you accept he is who he is you can move on.

As has been said lot on here he is telling you who he is, lovely your not listening. Your getting frustrated because he doesnt hold your values, news flash he never did and never will.

You are wasting energy and time dragging this horse to water and trying to make it drink why?
Cut him loose and sit down and make your plan to go forward, your standing still and turning in circles.

I'm repeating myself but failure to plan is planning to fail, he isn't part of your plan he never was, he wants a carer that's all, if god forbid that op goes wrong he could be long term under your care then you are right royally FUCKED, think about it. brew

LavenderGreen14 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:49:51

I posted on your thread yesterday - why are you considering taking him back. He has treated you and your children appallingly, he abandoned you and you still are thinking of taking him back. He is never going to change, why do you live in hope that he will?

Shellywelly1973 Thu 20-Mar-14 00:32:35

Lavender I'm not taking him back.

The point of my post today was that he made me feel unreasonable in needing support after the births of my dc.

I totally get Exdp won't agree with me!

I just struggle with my own value & if im being unreasonable or have a part to play in how unreasonable Exdp behaved...

It's confusing & difficult when it's your own situation!

Thanks again. Appreciate all your replies.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 20-Mar-14 08:07:09

It is confusing but of course he won't agree with you - if he did then he would have to admit he was wrong.

You don't need him to validate your actions. It really doesn't matter.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat Thu 20-Mar-14 15:26:03

BrunoBrookes "Listen to what he's said - he interprets you actually needing support as 'going weird'. That's right. You're not even HUMAN to him. You're just some kind of vending machine. When it stops putting out, it's broken in some way."

Perfectly put.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Mar-14 15:30:54

Under NO circumstance would I 'look after' such a selfish POS.

No, wouldn't bother to check up on him, either.

You are not together.

You owe him NOTHING.

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