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Update- not sure if anyone will remember (Trigger Warning)

(46 Posts)
CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 09:41:02

My husband raped me (I can say that now!) and I came here looking for advice to see if I was overreacting. Lots of you lovely people gave me brilliant support. Thank you so much. I found the thread got very overwhelming and asked MNHQ to delete it. They made sure I was safe which I thought was brilliant too.

I'd decided that I didn't want to leave him and that I wanted him to get help. He's been getting counselling, cbt and been given medication by the gp.

However we've reached a point where we both know there's no going back. He's said this morning that he's going to leave. He's continuing the therapy etc and I do believe he's sorry etc.

Its so hard, I do still love him. Maybe I love the person he used to be. Its not going to be a clean break. We have dc's so we are going to be in each others lives which is probably going to be tough for a while.

I feel so much stronger and like him leaving is going to be the start of me building myself back up again.

Thank you all for being here.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Mar-14 10:31:53

I'm glad you feel stronger. Have you had any access to counselling?

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 10:36:07

No not yet but I will. My life is about to turn upside down and I don't even know where to start.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Mar-14 12:10:00

When you don't know where to start, start with yourself. Put yourself first, do things you enjoy and try to appreciate the present rather than thinking too far ahead.

BTW I note that he's only said he's going to leave. Please turn that into action as quickly as you possibly can because abusive people will often say what they think they need to say to kick the can down the road. So make him go now.

In a similar vein, even though you have children together, make it as clean a break as possible. That means contact kept to a minimum, he sees the children in his own time and in a different location to your home. It's important to draw the dividing lines early because you will recover more quickly if you feel you are in control

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 13:03:31

Thank you. Its quickly gone bad. I knew it would. He's acting suicidal but I know thanks to mn this is classic gas lighting. Not falling for it. Staying strong.

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 13:06:15

Thank you. Its quickly gone bad. I knew it would. He's acting suicidal but I know thanks to mn this is classic gas lighting. Not falling for it. Staying strong.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Mar-14 13:48:05

What's he doing exactly?

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 14:14:55

Saying its best if he's not around anymore. That he's a bad dh a bad father etc. Said his family wouldn't miss him either. All via text as he's not actually talking to me. Told him to stop with all that as it wouldn't work. How he should be concerned for me and dc's and how we are going to cope etc. Seems to have stopped him. We've figured out that he can leave by June without one of us ending up homeless/jobless etc
I'm going to make sure I have lots of plans between now and June! Its so scary I can't imagine being without him but at the same time its a relief.

BillyBanter Wed 19-Mar-14 14:19:50

Glad to hear you have the strength to call him on the suicidal refs. I would also say consider some counselling for yourself to support you through the next few months.

Also please don't take him back. He's not better if he's trying to pull these tricks.

Good luck.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 14:20:09

I remember you. I wish you luck and strength.

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 14:22:24

Thank you so much. I think I'm going to tell my mum. Will make it much more real.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 14:24:24

What does she know already ?

gussiegrips Wed 19-Mar-14 14:29:29

I remember you too, and have wondered how you were getting on.

Good luck wishes from me too.

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 14:57:45

Nobody knows what went on. I've just told her and wish I hadn't. She thinks I need to work on fixing it and I need help. I'm making rash emotional decisions apparently confused

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 14:58:49

I can see why you hadn't told her anything so far angry

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 15:30:17

Shit she's actually making me doubt it. She says I need counselling cos only then I'll know I've done absolutely everything to fix it.

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 19-Mar-14 15:44:57

You can't fix it on your own though, can you?

I'm sorry your mother has not been more thoughtful and supportive.

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 16:12:08

She thinks that years down the line I'm going to regret my decision and it'll be too late to "win" him back... I dunno. Think she wants to adopt him.

BillyBanter Wed 19-Mar-14 16:15:43

Let her adopt him. She'll soon change her mind.

I'm sorry she's being so unsupportive.

AngelaDaviesHair Wed 19-Mar-14 16:17:34

He's no prize though, after what he did. Your mother's thinking is seriously skewed.
Maybe she is reacting instinctively and with fear because it seems like such a big, negative change. But you can't maintain the status quo just so your mother won't be anxious. She is not the person who has to live with this man, after all.

Lweji Wed 19-Mar-14 16:20:22

Nobody needs counselling to get back to a man who raped them.
It's not a fixable thing, really, let alone by the victim.

Good luck with the separation.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Mar-14 16:22:24

This is a chance for progress I think. Be as assertive with Mum as you have been with him. Tell her that no you won't be going to counselling, no you won't be trying to fix anything, no you won't regret your decision for one damn second, and what you'd like is her support and not her half-arsed man-pleasing opinions.... <fold arms, do that snakey head thing>

Come on.. it's just another small hurdle on the road to true freedom

AnyFucker Wed 19-Mar-14 16:22:50

How can you fix the fact that your husband raped you ?. She means for you to get speshul ManPleasing brainwashing treatment.

Perhaps when you divorce, she can marry this rapist. That'll be lovely for her, winning this "prize"

Scarletohello Wed 19-Mar-14 16:29:03

You can't 'fix' anything with an abuser. You need to get out for your own sake and your children. I'm sorry your mum isn't being supportive but keep posting here and we will.

CroissantsInMyPants Wed 19-Mar-14 17:48:05

I'm ringing rape crisis tomorrow. Ive realised that breaking up/divorcing won't be enough. I need to make sure I'm strong and that I've got someone to talk to. June seems very far off.

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