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New partner meeting kids?(9 Posts)
Separated from EA ex in October - he was staying at the house at weekends and I ended up getting together with someone I knew from school. Have been spending weekends with new(ish) bloke and we really love each other and trust each other, are good at talking things through together and I've seen how lovely he is with his friends etc. I'm happy for him to meet my kids; we've said we'll introduce him as a friend so nobody has any expectations and if it doesn't seem right we can discuss it and possibly rethink it.
So far so good. But what is complicating things is that the ex doesn't want me to move away (back to my old town where new bloke is, although my incredibly supportive family are there and this is the main factor as I wouldn't have moved towards new bloke if he was somewhere else I'd have to make new connections etc; done that before and found it hard).
But ex has brought a risk of harm allegation against me. He has managed to get an order to stop me moving the kids. Went to court last week and my solicitor said the judge can see straight through his tactics and she was very cross, but I still have to be reviewed by cafcass. General consensus and my belief is that cafcass will see the kids are fine, hear that ex actually worked away mon-fri for the last 2.5 years and realise he's using anything he can -mental health claims, I have ADHD and had anxiety (which is miles better since I left him!) - to keep me under control.
New bloke and I are getting a bit impatient to get him more involved in 'normal' life. I was supposed to be moving to my hometown at Easter, not to live with him but we had hoped to carefully introduce him to the kids(5, 6 and 8). The mediators and solicitor both seemed to think my worries about the new relationship/kids thing were unnecessary as 'it happens'. But my family and friends are really worried my ex will use my introducing my partner to the kids, against me in the residence order. I can't move til summer now anyway but was thinking it might be nice to arrange a meeting in the Easter holidays when I'll be through there visiting family. Are my family and I overthinking it? Or would I be risking losing face at the residency hearing?
when did you get together with new bloke. You say you seperated from ex in October...? What is the distance between where you live now and your home town? Is you ex still able to access the children?
I think there is a degree of control from your XP - but I also think you are moving a little too quickly, possibly as a reaction to escaping from an EA relationship.
New bloke can be involved in your DCs life as a friend while you still live where you live now.
Hi, he can't really as it's 2 hours away and I travel through on a weekend, help my grandma out and see my dad and sister as well as him. We got together about four weeks after the separation but I'd been detaching from the ex for two years.
I'm not jumping into anything and have questioned everything all the way through. I'm going to do the Freedom program but have also read a lot about abusive relationships and definitely don't want to make the kids and new partner live together any time soon as they are still getting used to the split and I haven't seen whether they get on yet! I'll be through there visiting family in Easter so would be able to do it casually and with no pressure on anyone to be nice to each other
The move is because I am currently living where I have no support as I moved to be near my (very nice) MIL. Currently I can't speak to my MIL as her son has told her I'm evil etc etc. Kids will continue to see their dad every weekend and have phone calls etc. I have never threatened to take them away, encouraged his mum to pop in etc; all not good enough. I've pretty much been nice all along but unless I conformed to exactly what the ex wanted he'd continue to try to bully me into doing it his way.
I dont understand just what it is your ex has done with the court case. Im not up on things like this. But as for the rest, it all just seems way too much way too soon.
You need time to get over your last relationship and not just because you will undoubtedly have growing to do on a personal level. As for your children, theyre not daft and will see through the pretence of mummys friend and even for them now isnt the right time to be having to cope with it.
Personally, I think there is too much going on in your life and the lives of your children to introduce a new man (even if he is introduced as a friend). Give it a couple more months after the move and when they are more settled.
Low self esteem, poor boundaries, childhood issues etc. What have you identified as the things that made you susceptible to an EA relationship? Reading up on EA relationships and looking at the Freedom Programme are a good start but you are not long out of a EA relationship and are still dealing with the remnants from it. I fear that the newness of your current beau and your planned 'new life' are clouding your judgement, which hasn't had time to really process your past relationship dynamic.
Thanks for replies
I should add that;
Was faithful all through the marriage;
Did Cbt for confidence and self esteem issues before the separation;
Have known new partner for a long time;
Not planning a new life other than getting a job and getting kids settled - everything else will be taken very slowly and carefully.
I'm ok with waiting for the kids to be settled. We're just aware that the nice time we're having is almost a holiday or a pretend life, and because we can't make proper plans until I've made sure everyone is ok with each other, it feels a bit unsettled. Happy to listen to any comments an would appreciate any advice from people who have experience in this.
You have way too much else going on. Sort out the court case and where you're going to live before you do introductions.
I'm actually a fan of early introduction depending on circumstances. But you just have too much going on.
WHY do you want them all to meet? If they react badly to a boyfriend generally, or specifically don't like him, are you planning to end it with him?
And what are "proper plans" that you can't make?
You need to be clear with yourself what you want.
On the one hand you say taking it slowly etc, then you say you want to be able to make proper plans.
No matter how well you know him, what proper plans do you need with someone you've dated for 5 months?
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