Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Why do I constantly put up with the crap?(14 Posts)
I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm going round and round in circles and can't envisage an end to it.
I've posted previously about my h and his secrecy etc. I did eventually discover what he'd been doing online on his phone but it wasn't without persistent lies and drama.
If anyone remembers the thread, here's an update: I couldn't face going away to London on my course for 2 days with the uncertainty and sickness I was feeling so I asked him if we could talk before I went. He was obviously insistent nothing untoward was happening, denied much of the internet access that was showing on his phone statements, said it must have been glitches or updates that he had no control over. He did admit to checking new posts and upcoming auctions etc but that was about it. He was adamant about it and later that day he offered me his phone and told me to keep it with me or hide it so he couldn't be accused of any wrong doing.
My instant thought was if anything had been happening he'd had time to delete any evidence of it now but he seemed genuine so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I kept his phone with me throughout the evening, then something started niggling at me. I had no idea how to use his phone so did a search online to find out how to check browser history.
Everything was still there. Web searches of naked women, sexy female celeb searches but the worst thing was his search for naked women in our home town. Wfaf!! The images he'd brought up were quite graphic and to say I wasn't impressed would be an understatement!
We argued about it, I asked him how he would feel if I'd been searching naked pictures of men on the internet and getting off on it, his reply was that he didn't think it was a big deal. Now I know some may think I'm being OTT and I'm hardly a prude but I just look at the images and think that's someone's dd, gd, sister etc and think how h would feel if some middle aged chap was getting off on naked images of our DD's, who are of similar ages to a lot of the pictures he'd been viewing!!
Anyway, to cut a long story short. Fast forward to recent events. H has applied for a credit card, he told me he had and that he'd been accepted and the card arrived a couple of days ago. I've not seen the card, post arrived while I was out, hes opened the envelope, taken the card and left the opened envelope with letter on the top of the dryer. I peeped in to look and saw he's been given a credit limit of £1200. He's not said anything to me but obviously aware that I've seen the letter from the bank left there.
We've not had credit cards for several years and as far as I was aware we didn't intend using them again. Many years ago we got into a mess with our finances and it took us a long time and a lot of belt tightening to clear our debts. Since then we've lived on what's available and had agreed not to go down the credit card route again.
When I asked him why he'd applied he said he wanted to improve his credit rating and assumed he would have been declined. He started to waffle on about how it would help if we ever decided to buy our own home again (we currently rent). I don't really know what's going on but everything about him just smells fishy. I can't get to grips with how much he's changed over the years, it's bizarre, he's like a totally different guy to the one I met and married.
He used to be so possessive and hated me going out, seeing friends etc. he'd say he missed me and would worry about me all the time. I'd always assumed it was because he loved me so much and we always enjoyed each other's company. Now it's like he's not there even when he is, he's so wrapped up in his own stuff it's like a don't exist half the time.
He's been pretty much useless in helping me with my new business. I tried talking to him about it and said I feel like I'm run ragged, trying to sort the business side of things out, housework, looking after our GC etc and could he please help out a bit as I felt I was taking everything on and making myself ill. I got annoyed and told him he hardly does anything to help and he can be so lazy, he obviously wasn't happy and accused me of not doing very much around the house either!
I didn't realise the fairies came each night and did all the washing, drying, loading and unloading the dishwasher, cleaning the bathroom, kitchen, picking up after everyone etc etc :-/ admittedly, I'm no domestic goddess and don't claim to be but I try my bloody hardest with what time I have.
Anyway, something must have hit home and the day after he did try, he loaded the dishwasher, put a load of washing in and attempted to clean down the tops in the kitchen. Now this is were it all goes pear shaped. Apparently I didn't notice or appreciate his help because I never thanked him. Now I'm not being funny but should I have done? I do that and more day in and day out every day with no thanks. H never goes into the bathroom and says, ohh you've cleaned the bath, shower, toilet, tiles, floor and picked up my dirty clothes ... Thank you. Or ohh you've done all the washing up, washing, drying, loaded and unloaded dishwasher, bleached down all the cupboards & work tops, window sills, swept and mopped the kitchen floor ... thanks love!
Ok, so evidently I'm pissed off and h keeps pissing me off, I know in my head he's not going to change but I keep trying and trying to sort things out. I feel like I've completely lost who I am, I would never have put up with this crap years ago but now it's like it's the norm. I can't see a way out or how things can ever change. I think he's made it perfectly obvious he can't or won't change even though he makes all the sounds and does the nodding dog when we do try to talk things through.
I don't know what I'm afraid of or why I'm being such a wimp taking all this, it's so out of character for me :-(
Keep on thinking that way.
Why DO you stay? Why DO you put up with it?
If you could have one aspect of your old self back, what would it be?
End of the day, you can't change him. He sounds like a baby man to me, hasn't grown up, wants congrats for basics around the house, gets into debt etc. all for you to sort out. That may be who he actually is.
I have found that situations like this are horrible, but the minute you end them, it's like a massive weight has been lifted. No way would I chase a man round like that, no way. If he thinks that's the way to behave, then off he can go and I will find a man with much higher standards.
And if you decided to do the same, I bet it would not be long.
Wise up, life is too precious to waste x. You can't define his standards, but you sure as he'll can define yours. X
Life is too short for this crap OP. Make a plan, leave, be happy.
I think things have reached a pretty poor state when you are actually remembering with fondness when he used to be a possessive arsehole who stopped you going out with your friends. That wasn't because he loved you so much, by the way, it was a technique to isolate you. Did it work?
Why would you stay?
OP - you're getting things clear in your head, you've set everything out so concisely, and I think you know you won't stay with your H. You're just phased on the 'how & when' of leaving him.
I think the new credit card is necessary as he is paying to view photos and/or webcams. He's on his way into debt. Your H isn't 'there' in your life as he is completely consumed by his porn world.
Its sad that your H has landed you with a situation that will kill your marriage. I hope you will very soon take steps to get out - he sounds as if he has taken leave of his senses in that, seeking out women online (soon to be real-life as he's prowling for available women in your hometown now) is his obsession to the exclusion of you, and no doubt all else. The extent to which he has lied is breathtaking. He has zero respect for you. & what if your DDs find out?
& Im sorry to say this but the man has NO standards whatsoever. Again, I do think you will leave him. & long before then, you will probably be unable to even look at him.
Tribpot - yes it did work, I gave up going out seeing friends and stayed home all the time. After dd 2 was born I got a job in a local bar working a couple of nights a week to help pay bills but he hated it. If the girls stayed at my mums over night at weekend he would come and sit at the end of the bar, he hated that other men flirted with me and gave me attention. It was just a job to me and the nature of the beast and I wasn't interested in anyone else.
Giving up fighting to go anywhere was an easier option and tbh it didn't really bother me most of the time. Odd occasions I'd feel a bit deflated but he never went out so I guess I just fell into doing what he wanted for the peace. I enjoyed being with him so it wasn't as though it was a huge thing to me but now life's almost shifted full circle and he's doing what he wants and telling me to get a hobby!
I honestly don't know why I feel hellbent on trying to salvage something that's clearly dying a slow and painful death. H constantly tells me that I've never been happy and it's not down to him that's just in my nature. I have suffered from depression on and off throughout my life. I used to self medicate with alcohol in my late teens/early 20's to cope but I don't drink anymore. I didn't have the best life growing up, was abused by a friends dad when I was 11 and suffered 2 physical & emotionally abusive relationships prior to h. I know it's no excuse, people have shit lives sometimes and come out the other side happy and strong.
I was always very strong willed and independent when I met h, took crap from no one and knew my own mind. Now I feel like a bloody shell of myself. There were things I needed to change about myself, which I have done and am I much calmer person for it but now I feel like a piece of unwanted furniture in the corner of the room collecting dust and getting a wipe over every now and then :-(
now life's almost shifted full circle and he's doing what he wants
He always did what he wanted.
Have you ever had counselling to deal with the child abuse? I think it's made you vulnerable to continued abuse in adulthood. Please don't make the mistake of thinking your husband isn't abusive just because he isn't hitting you. You don't think you deserve better than this and I think you crave the appearance of affection that he gave you when he was possessive. Now that you're isolated he has no need to break you in that way so he's simply stopped. Another fantastic control technique.
something that's clearly dying a slow and painful death
Nope. This is dead. You are flogging a dead horse.
MissesBumble, I don't venture onto the relationships board that often, but wanted to offer support somehow and didn't want to read and not reply.
Something stands out for me, which is you found out how to check the browser history on his phone, and it showed up images he wouldn't want of you or your DDs, iyswim. That information could help a lot of other people and I wanted to thank you for posting about it. Your posts also show a lot of strength and level headedness.
You know you'll get support and advice here. You can leave him. You don't need our permission, you won't get his permission, you just need to protect yourself and your DDs. His saying to you that you've never been happy and that is in your nature is emotional abuse. You will be able to be happy once you are free of him.
Don't let him get a credit card to use on your joint account. Don't sign for it. It does sound as if his interest in porn has turned into an addiction and he is now wanting to pay for it. He has lost control. Get advice on how to protect your family finances as a priority.
Yes. I was in a similar position with an abusive Ex and constantly questioning why I put up with it, and how to get out of it.
Go to the CAB, solicitor, Relate, get as much help and information as you can. Even if you take small steps, you can get out of this relationship, if you want to.
Try to build more a life for yourself. Good luck.
No I didn't really get any counselling re abuse when I was a child. I didn't tell anyone for years. I told my mum what had happened when I was 22, that was the 1st time I'd ever said anything about it to anyone. I was involved in counselling at the time due to a previous abusive relationship and I broke down but wouldn't say what was wrong with me. I decided my mum should be the first person to know.
I had tried several times over the years to tell my mum but we didn't have a great relationship. Don't get me wrong I loved the bones of her even if we didn't always see eye to eye but she and my father separated when I was 3. I barely saw my father, a few times he'd visit and take me out for the day and then he snatched me when I was 5. Mum said it was to piss her off rather than him actually wanting me. I've seen him once since, when I was 21 & I was expecting my first dd.
Mum was young and lived her life to the full, new fellas coming and going, in and out of failed relationships. Guys moving in then moving out again. I didn't get much attention and spent most of my childhood with my grandparents.
My 1st serious relationship I was 15 he was 20, it was great at first but looking back he was overprotective and possessive too then became violent and emotionally abusive. He constantly checked up on me and followed me around telling me he was afraid of losing me. Again, I thought it was because he loved me so much.
I can see a pattern here and am beginning to wonder if I'm the route of my own problems, insecurities and failed relationships :-(
Mum was young and lived her life to the full, new fellas coming and going, in and out of failed relationships.
That's an interesting definition of 'living life to the full' Perhaps your mum was happy having casual relationships and enjoyed them (although moving them in and out suggests probably not). But more likely she spent her life defining herself through how men saw her - do you see that pattern?
An abused person will be drawn back to the abusive behaviour. It doesn't mean you are the root of the problem, but it may mean the abuse is. It seems like you have craved emotional attention (however destructive it might be) because you were so badly neglected by those who should have cherished you as a child. Now that your DH is pulling away and treating you coldly, you are desperate to regain the attention, despite it being unhealthy and unworthy of you.
I don't think any of this is particularly uncommon for those abused in childhood. I think you need to spend some time on healing yourself and finding a way you can live your own life to the full.
What tribpot has said is so very true. Counselling is very hard work though and I've found it to be exhausting and sometimes too much to be doing that at a time when I have to be there for my kids and work and get on with life, iyswim. Yes, I'd recommend it as a top priority in your life but it doesn't have to begin now if you don't feel ready to work through all that just yet. (Or if you might be moving soon).
Thank you tribpot. I guess being my mum I know what she did wasn't good but I don't like to think ill of her. I think it's also made me more aware of fighting for and holding on to relationships rather than treating them as something to just throw away when it suits.
It's hard because in my head I remember how loving and thoughtful h was when we met and maybe that's what I'm craving. The seeking out and looking at OW has just made me feel even more insecure and unattractive. I'm possibly being a little dramatic now ... But shouldn't I be enough for him? I can't believe how ugly he's made me feel tbh although he says it's no reflection on me and that he still finds me attractive. He likens it to me thinking michael buble is sexy :-/
Well,he hasn't really changed. Still doesn't respect you and now has a shiny new toy (credit card for buying images and possibly real life stuff).
I think a lot of men like to have credit for what they have done, however little. Women are supposed to just get on with it apparently and don't needs gratitude.
He has a problem if he doesn't worry about a credit card not getting him into debt this time (which it will if he really becomes obsessed with thosw websites. Selfish bastard.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.