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Please help me mend my relationship.(15 Posts)
My relationship is dying on it's arse and I know DP can sense it. We have a DD who is 3 months old and since she has been born it has just gone downhill really. Pretty standard but I think I am being/ feeling unnecessarily horrible and cold but I just can't muster up the feelings.
DP has put on a lot of weight over the past couple of years. As a result of this he snores horribly loudly. Since DD was born he has elected to sleep on the sofabed as his snoring wakes me up and infuriates me and wakes DD. I would love for us to share a bed but when we have tried he just ends up going downstairs as I just can't cope with the snoring. He is quite conscious of the fact he is overweight and keeps saying he will do something about it but so far nothing has happened. Nor will he go to the doctors.
We just sit on the sofa either on our phones or laptop barely speaking. He repeatedly tells me he loves me or how beautiful I am, and says he knows I have a problem and I'm not the same.
Most of the time he just irritates me if I'm honest. He just sits night after night slobbing out talking or watching some shit about football before falling asleep with his mouth open.
He makes jokes about wanting sex but doesn't even attempt it any more as he knows I will reject him.
It doesn't sound like it but I do love him and want to get back on track. Any advice will be gratefully received.
Anyone? I just read that again and I do sound like a bitch.
A three month old is hard work. Our sex life didn't get back on track till ds1 was 7mo and in his own room. With ds2 we are 9mo and still not back to out old ways, just too tired and not in the mood.
It is really important to make time for you as a couple. Do you sit down and have dinner together with no tv?
Can you get someone to look after the little one an go out for lunch? Is there something you can go do at the weekends? We used to to to the cinema for the baby showings.
Baby's change everything. It will get better if you both make time for each other
Beetle you sound frustrated, understandably. Fwiw it sounds to me as if your dp has low self esteem exacerbated by your rejection of him. When you feel like this it is very hard to motivate yourself. Have you suggested doing physical things as a family eg taking dd out for a walk with the pram when the weather is nice.
A little light exercise can be a great mood improver as well as burning a few calories. Important not to make it about his weight though, just something different to do together, which will be good for dd too (even 3mos like fresh air and new sights).
I think it's important to keep up some physical contact too even if sex is out, eg hand-holding, kisses, hugs, neck rubs. Just ways to show you love each other will help him feel better about himself and, hopefully, more inclined to do something about the problem.
You say you love him, but does he know this? Make sure you say it out loud if it's true. Finally accept that it takes 2 to tango and one person alone cannot fix a relationship. You will need to communicate about your desire for things to change he is not a mind reader. Good luck.
I don't think your horrible Op , I think it's a positive you've recognized it at this point.
I sympathize as I've had exactly the same problem with the weight and the snoring. Well not me my ex h. He was in reasonable shape when we married , within a few years he was obese and snored terribly. I wasn't attracted to him anymore and we ended up sleeping separately due to the racket.
Sex life dwindled , he got clingy and spiteful about it , wouldn't do anything about the weight or the snoring , cue a divorce. There were other things of course that contributed.
I would tell him point blank he needs to lose the weight . My ex would whinge constantly for sex and he claimed I should have loved him and found him attractive regardless . My friends thought I was mean , but unless you've had sex with a fat man you've no idea how horrible it is.
I would never ever have gone out with him if he had been obese , and it infuriated me that the minute we married he thought he didn't have to make the effort anymore.
You need to tell him exactly how you feel . What makes people think this is ok ?
As regards the snoring.
This is what I do. I warn my husband while he is sleeping that I am going to touch his nose.
I then press one of his nostrils and ask him to breathe out through the other one, three times.
Then I press the other nostril and ask him to breathe out through the other one three times.
[I have tissues or hankerchief under his pillow if required].
This is normally enough to clear his nostrils enough so that we can both have a good night's sleep together.
Sometimes, the whole thing may have to be repeated a couple of times during a bad night, but I am of the opinion that regular nights sleeping apart are not at all good for the majority of couples.
If he suddenly put weight on and is tired, might be he has a medical condition.
Looking back with the knowledge we have now, it was obvious he'd been diabetic for some time.
Thanks all for your replies.
I do tell him I love him and we cuddle and stuff. He suffers from depression and anxiety which doesn't make things any easier.
joysmum diabetes had crossed my mind, I think I will make him a docs appointment.
I would tell him point blank he needs to lose the weight
Imagine if a man had posted this thread and you told him to say that to his wife?
Be kind, make time for each other. Go out for a meal. Remind yourself of why you fell for him in the first place. He's still that person
In addition to advice and your plan, keep in mind that he should be making some effort in the relationship as well. You can't fix it on your own.
If his snoring is a problem, he should seek to fix it, in the same way that if obesity is affecting his health and your sexual life together, then he should be taking steps to address it.
If you're not in the right frame of mind it is really tough to lose weight. Perhaps doing some light exercise might get him "ready" for that though. I think it helps in the early stages for it not to be about weight, but introducing some healthier choices. Maybe weight will fall off too but that's a bonus. It's empowering to know you're getting fitter and healthier and give some people the boost they need to pursue weight loss.
You could combine it with time together. Might he be persuaded to go for a walk with you and baby? Maybe not week days to start with if he or you work until dark/it would disturb routine- but at least weekends? The weather is brightening up now so it's a nice and easy time to start.
We do go for walks etc at the weekend.
It's not so much about the weight for me, I'm not saying I don't love him or find him attractive, I mentioned it because it is more the fact it is getting him down but he isn't doing anything about it. I have lost 2 1/2 stone with Weight Watchers in the past so cook us both healthy meals, he just overeats at work and after I had gone to bed. I know if he did some exercise and made an effort he would feel better about himself and be better to be around.
I am going to insist on at least 2 nights a week eating at the table with no tv, and it's his birthday soon so have arranged for my mum to have DD at her house so we can go to the pub. I think I just need to reassure him more and make more of an effort instead of going to bed early so often.
With regard to the snoring, is there anything that can be done?
With regard to the snoring, is there anything that can be done?
Yes, but the doctor should be the first port of call.
There's losing weight, but it could have other causes as well.
The snoring is likely made worse by his weight , when he loses weight it will probably get better. If it isn't caused by that there is an operation , and several appliances he could try , there a bit like a mouth guard / gum shield. There's also nose strips , you can get this sort of thing from the chemist or on line.
I agree with lwegi, you can't fix it on your own. It's supportive of you to make gp appointments , and look into solutions for his snoring , make healthy meals ect , but ultimately it's his responsibility to look out for his own health. Same goes for his depression , is he getting any treatment for that ?
The trouble is with this sort of thing , is that if he doesn't want to go , or goes under duress , he will only resent you , and you'll potentially fall into the role of being his mother , nagging him about eating healthy ect.
Lebican , I'd say the same to a man if he was saying similar about his wife. When somebody's weight is affecting the marriage , and their own mental health they need to fix it .
I would also say he can't do this on his own, especially if he doesn't know how serious the situation is. I would tell him how sad you are feeling and that you have serious concerns for the relationship. Describe the two meals a week at the table idea, but ask him to think of more, similar, ideas (not on the spot, but over the next day).
I think these can be fairly normal feelings and part of life's ups and downs.
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