Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

First meeting (through dating site) question

(17 Posts)
EastMids2 Tue 18-Mar-14 23:04:35

Talked via web site. Met for lunch at weekend, which turned into 9hrs of eating, talking, walking, drinking, more talking and lots of laughing etc. Very easy. BUT not immediately physically attracted.

I've only ever had two serious relationships (lasting 25 years and 5 years) and both times the attraction was just "there" from first glance. So do you think something could grow from here? What are the chances of kindling a spark or is relationship doomed? Views please!

lemonbabe Tue 18-Mar-14 23:17:34

Well, my experience in recent times has been that if there's a bit of banter, laughter and enjoyment then yes, something can grow.

My last two relationships came about through appreciation of other qualities in the person: intelligence, wit, caring, warmth, common interests, dynamism, love of life..... the physical came afterwards even though neither were my physical cuppa ;-)

You have nothing to lose. My litmus test is that if after a 3rd date I don't feel the need to have a snog, it ain't gonna happen - in which case I've hopefully had a couple of free dinners :-)

EastMids2 Tue 18-Mar-14 23:27:48

Haha Lemon, I'll hang on until 3rd date then before making a judgement! Definitely banter, laughter and other stuff in common, just not that tingling feeling when fingers brushed or when we very quickly (my choice of "quickly" not his) sort of hugged goodbye. I had it so strongly before and really hoped to experience that instant attraction again sad

But will give a little more time and see what happens.

bouncyagain Wed 19-Mar-14 06:29:42

If you get on well enough to have 9 hours together then definitely a second date and probably a third. If you haven't snogged by the end of the third date (at the latest), you know it probably isn't going to happen. Have you arranged the second date yet? A good sign is if you do this before the first date ends.

Santaclaws Wed 19-Mar-14 07:50:23

Yes it can grow. I met my bf via dating site. I liked him from the start, as in he seemed nice but no lust or strong physical attraction. As he was good company I kept seeing him and I do fancy him now. The curious thing is though, I fancy him but I still don't find him good looking, that's confusing me a bit I have to say

CrystalBeth Wed 19-Mar-14 08:04:43

Yes it can grow, IMO looks aren't the most important thing anyway and as you get to know him better you may find yourself attracted to his personality. I know loads of people who aren't conventionally good looking, but after spending time with I've grown to fancy.

hmm about the free dinners comment though, that's not on really.

firesidechat Wed 19-Mar-14 08:07:25

I disliked my husband on sight and we've been married for 30 years now, with plenty of "spark". The date sounds perfect, so I certainly wouldn't dismiss the new man just yet.

OBGynKenobi Wed 19-Mar-14 08:15:05

When I first met my bf (online dating) I had put him in the 'friend zone'. We had lots in common and had a laugh and lots to talk about over those three pints but in all honesty at the time I wasn't really ready and there was no attraction (on my side, he always fancied me apparently) and no talk of a second date.

It wasn't until a few months later when I contacted him over fb (we had 'friended' each other that night) with my phone number and started texting each other that our relationship grew. And there was a point a few weeks later when I was watching him chatting about something geeky and it just hit me 'My god I fancy the pants off you'.

A year later and I still very much do. Well now, I both love and fancy the pants off him grin

It can happen OP. Best of luck, just take it at a pace you are both happy with smile

EastMids2 Wed 19-Mar-14 08:33:05

Thanks to all for input, which has summed up how I feel. Wise words and will definitely see how it goes. Second date now fixed up for middle of next week and will be "chatting" via dating site in the meantime - although he has given me his mobile (and other details, on business card) I'm not ready to give my number.

Does it sound stupid to say both late husband and other long-term relationship were tall, rugby player types so, when hugged by them, I felt really snuggled and "protected" - whereas this guy is of slim build and only just about tall enough. Is is very shallow not to fancy the idea of scrawny ankles or chest (if we ever get that far smile) ...

firesidechat Wed 19-Mar-14 08:40:26

EastMids2, my husband is also very slim and just slightly taller than me. I wouldn't trade him for 10 rugby players.

Personality, kindness and emotional intelligence are far more durable than rugged attractiveness. Well I think so anyway.

Santaclaws Wed 19-Mar-14 08:43:34

Overall I can't say I find my bf physically attractive, does that sound bad?
Well I do and I don't, I don't think he has a good looking face, but I like his hair. He has lovely arms hands and chest, although he is slimmer than ex and I normally go for stockier types. This sounds bad, as though I'm dissecting him but I guess I'm just trying to analyse my feelings because there's definately an attraction there now. I think his kindness has aided that

east I suppose what I'm trying to say is, are there parts of him that you find attractive? Also I think it can grow and if you do get that far and the sex is good well that certainly makes the flame grow.

EastMids2 Wed 19-Mar-14 18:36:08

Thanks again for a few more views. I guess it just feels a bit strange not to have that "I fancy the pants off you" feeling OBG mentioned above (albeit it wasn't immediate). Late husband was good looking in a blonde and tanned way and 5 year partner had beautiful dark hair and very sexy forearms (a bit strange I know, but it works for me). Sadly I can't remember any physical attribute being instantly attractive - just that he's really easy to talk to and I laughed more than I have done in years.

I don't think we could just be friends either as he hinted he found me very attractive. Lovely to be complimented, but surely it should work both ways?

Cabrinha Wed 19-Mar-14 18:50:20

Lemon - free dinners? <rolls eyes>

movingsoon23 Wed 19-Mar-14 18:54:50

Took me a good 2 months after initial first date (online) to start to really feel something special for dp. We chatted and laughed for 5 hours but I was unsure about how attracted to him I was. I went on 2nd and 3rd dates because we got on so well I thought it would be a waste to throw away such a good man (quite ashamed to admit that now). Now there is no doubt in my mind that I want to be with him and I get butterflies just thinking about him

EastMids2 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:17:18

Movingsoon, that's what I think I'd like to happen. In the meantime, I will go on 2nd, 3rd whatever date and enjoy them for the newness of it all after a long time (my choice) without male company.

movingsoon23 Wed 19-Mar-14 19:25:03

Good for you EastMids2. For me, he was very clear that he really liked me romantically. I think this slightly unnerved me - I didn't feel deserving of this (sort of like ' what is wrong with him that he likes me this much) and it was quite overwhelming. Once I got past that, I realised that I liked him just as much as he liked me!

Give him a chance but don't let it go on too long if you are not attracted at all.

EastMids2 Wed 19-Mar-14 20:40:26

Wise words Movingsoon. It's good to have this sort of input as I don't want to be over-thinking this and miss out on an opportunity to get to know someone who could maybe turn out special. On the other hand, how much do I need to compromise/lower my expectations etc? Really must stop now and just enjoy the novelty of male company again smile

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: