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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Boyfriend going on holiday with two women

41 replies

SomethingProfound · 18/03/2014 22:36

I was going to post this in AIBU but I am being a whimp. My BF and I have had a rocky relationship, and broke up for a month around Christmas, consequently he moved out of my house and into a house share. Since getting back together things have been going really well and we are in a really good place so I really don't want to cause a mountain out of a molehill.

Last night my BF was given a last minute opportunity to go away for a few days by his male housemate, he leaves tomorrow. It transpires that this trip also includes his two female housemates.

AIBU to find this unsettling and to be honest a bit inappropriate, I'm not sure why I feel this way it just makes me so uncomfortable. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong and am being "mental". I don't even know why I feel so unhappy about this but it really bothers me.

OP posts:

Report

meditrina · 18/03/2014 22:40

If it's all housemates together, then I think the holiday will not change his relationship with them one whit.

So, are to jealous that they're all off on holiday and you're not? Or are you concerned about his relationship with the women on the trip? Because although the holiday might have brought those feelings to the surface, it really isn't changing the opportunities for flatmates to be close if they want to be.

SomethingProfound · 18/03/2014 22:46

I'm not bothered about the holiday it is the fact he is going away with two women he has know for two months if it was lads I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest. I think going away partying for two days could actually change the relationship quite significantly.

OP posts:

spindlyspindler · 18/03/2014 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olathelawyer05 · 18/03/2014 22:54

"...It transpires that this trip also includes his two female housemates."

"...AIBU to find this unsettling and to be honest a bit inappropriate"

Yes.

fairylightsintheloft · 18/03/2014 23:09

Well I guess look at it this way, if something happens then you are best off knowing and getting rid, if it doesn't, no problem - and you're bound to find out if it does. Personally it wouldn't bother me at all. I go for weekends away with my best male friend and our spouses are fine with it

pillowhogger · 18/03/2014 23:21

Why are people scared of AIBU? There is clearly some MN politics I am not privvy to!

pillowhogger · 18/03/2014 23:23

Oh yes, and, how old are you/he, and where do you see things going from here? Think it's fine for him to be going away with them, but sounds like he's stringing you along until someone better comes his way. Sorry :s

SomethingProfound · 18/03/2014 23:34

Because it can be very harsh when feeling over sensitive, I'm 28 he is 33 and no he is not stringing me along in any way shape or form we are both on same page and will be moving back in together in the next few months then saving for a deposit. I at no point insinuated that I doubt our relationship.

I posted because I wasn't sure if I was being irrational and from the posts here it is clear I am.

OP posts:

Stripyhoglets · 18/03/2014 23:40

No you are not being irrational but tbh all you can do is trust him at this stage. I went away with a female freind and two lads once and there was absolutely no romantic intention at all and we all 4 shared a hotel room as well. Completely platonic.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/03/2014 23:53

Maybe what bothers you now more than a holiday with the flatmates is DP pouring scorn on your misgivings. When was the last time you two had a carefree break away together? If he's more animated about an unexpected holiday than you've seen him be in a long time perhaps you could take a look at how things are going.

Dirtybadger · 19/03/2014 00:40

You wouldn't be unreasonable to object to him calling you "mental" in future. If that's the word he used.

Qix · 19/03/2014 01:20

It kind of does come across as if you doubt the relationship as you describe it as 'rocky'.

GertTheFlirt · 19/03/2014 06:26

we are both on same page and will be moving back in together in the next few months then saving for a deposit

If you were both on the same page - he'd be going on holiday with you, not acting like he's still in uni.

paxtecum · 19/03/2014 07:07

OP: What sort of holiday is it?

If it is skiing that I can understand him going.

If it's a booze in the sun - that's different.

maleview70 · 19/03/2014 07:18

You are not being unreasonable given you have only recently got back together and probably still feel a bit vulnerable.

I think if you were married and came on here posting the same about your husband going away with two female workmates the responses may have been different.

You have to trust him but it does look to be like he puts his own needs above your feelings. I'm not saying he shouldn't go but to dismiss your concerns the way he did was wrong and he should have at least tried to reassure you before he went.

If he is going to cheat he will do it whether abroad or not.

Hissy · 19/03/2014 07:40

I don't think this relationship is worth investing in.

You broke up, he moved out, that's big.

Why are you clinging on? It doesn't work when you live together, and he's investing time and money in supposed mates.

Walk away. Find someone else who takes you more seriously. Also try to work out why being in any kind of relationship is better than insisting on a good one.

You can do better than this.

(((hug)))

ThatBloodyWoman · 19/03/2014 07:46

Personally from the little gleaned in the op.I think this would be a good thing.

A bit of trust, letting go off the slack, and a lowering of intensity seems helpful to me.

Lazyjaney · 19/03/2014 07:47

Seems to me that his view of how together you are again is different to yours.

MoreBeta · 19/03/2014 08:12

SomethingProfound - listen to yourself.

"I have had a rocky relationship, and broke up for a month around Christmas, consequently he moved out of my house and into a house share."

The you get back together and he announces he is going on a jolly with his housemates.

I am seeing this scenario quite often on MN. A youngish man and woman living together. At first they live like students sharing a house, bills, etc. Then she starts to think a bit more like an adult, setting up home, long term committed relationship, maybe getting married and having children. Meanwhile he is still in student mode and this goes on for years.

Believe me. You are not on the same page at all. He is stringing you along and keeping his options open while enjoying the benefits of being in an uncommitted relationship.

You have only been back together 2 months and you are thinking of getting a mortgage. No way. Bin him! You deserve better and stop thinking like a doormat.

bleedingheart · 19/03/2014 08:36

What MoreBeta said.

I would feel uncomfortable too, not thinking they would be planning to double date or anything but I agree with OP that the holiday could change the relationship -shared excitement and adventures rather than arguments over hot water and used milk cartons being put back in the fridge! If holidays didn't change things, people wouldn't warn of holiday romances being unable to survive in the cold light of Luton.

scarletforya · 19/03/2014 08:45

On the same page?

I don't think so Op. He called you mental when you objected to a sudden holiday appearing out of nowhere when you're supposed to be saving.

You can guarantee he'll claim someone else is paying for him, or it's practically free blah blah blah. He's presented it to you as a fait accompli. He's manipulating you making you think you're 'mental' to object.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2014 08:47

You're both on completely different pages and this is really going nowhere fast. I think that you are to him the "she will do for now" woman.

Men like this one as well can do great harm to overall self esteem and worth and I do not think it was all that great to begin with.

What do you get out of this relationship with him?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?. This man is really a manchild who is happy to have a woman, any woman actually, looking after him. Your needs are of no real concern to him.

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MoreBeta · 19/03/2014 09:42

SomethingProfound - I think I might have missed the bit off the end of your post where he said he had actually decided not to go and instead use the money to save for a deposit and then go for a short break with you later in the year. That is what people in committed relationships do.

He is just living day to day and doing as he pleases. You are making plans for a long term future. You could not be further apart and he calls you mental for wanting something more than a casual relationship.

I am 50 now but I can just imagine the conversation with DW if I had announced when I was 30 I was going off for a few days holiday with a mate and couple of girls. It would not really have been a conversation.

You need to move on and find someone who wants what you want.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/03/2014 09:48

Just to get a clearer picture - the 'rocky' time in your relationship, was that over trust issues or apathy? Financial problems?

BeforeAndAfter · 19/03/2014 09:48

I would have thought he'd want to put his holiday money towards spending time with you, especially after a rocky patch. I'd be miffed about that. I'm less worried about the housemate thing. I think drunken shags are more likely to take place at home, if anywhere at all. I'm not convinced a holiday would skew that risk really.

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