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Do I fancy her? Or admire her or what?

(25 Posts)
TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 19:56:41

Namechanged for this. I am female by the way smile

I recently met a woman through work, she is a customer of sorts. Have never been attracted to a woman, I can appreciate woman that re pretty etc but have never 'fancied' a woman before. But for some reason I cannot get her out of my head, I feel physically attracted to her and enjoy chatting with her, think about her a lot and look forward to seeing her.

Is this normal, have others had simular feelings?

So not to drip feed I am married, with kids. She is also married with kids. There is no way I am going to try and do anything about these thoughts jst wondered whats brought it on and if others have been theough similar.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 19:58:00

Apologies for typos, I'd blame the phone but its just me not proof reading!

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 20:17:16


babyphat Tue 18-Mar-14 20:19:20

Define normal grin

I am bi, I get crushes all the time. I'm married with kids too, if I wasn't then I could end up with either gender, though statistically speaking the pool of potential opposite sex partners is larger!

deplorabelle Tue 18-Mar-14 20:20:52


CailinDana Tue 18-Mar-14 20:21:41

Yes, I fell in love with a good friend, I think the feeling is mutual. I would definitely kiss her in different circumstances (am married). We don't see each other much now due to distance but I still love her. I find her very attractive but essentially it's not sexual.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 20:24:19

Thanks babyphat smile

I was getting quite confused with it all, it came as a bit of a shock to be honest.

Can I ask, do you class yourself as bi because of crushes or have you had relationships with both sexes? Just curious, no need to reply if you dont want smile

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 20:28:25

Cailin, thanks for your reply. I can relate to finding someone attractive but it not being sexual. I think you have described how I feel, I am attracted to her but I'm not sure (in different circumstances) if I would want to have sex with her!

This is so confusing, maybe its a (very early) midlife crisis :D

MummyBeerest Tue 18-Mar-14 20:29:57

Definitely normal. I don't know if it makes me bisexual as I've never been with a woman, but I had a major crush on a girl in high school.

I had crushes on boys before, but this particular girl was definitely a crush. I liked her personality and her looks, and enjoyed hanging out with her. I didn't really know what it was then though.

deplorabelle Tue 18-Mar-14 20:30:34

Sorry I had to check my name was set to the right thing.

This has happened to me. Very similar situation. Someone I knew a bit, always liked but never considered likely to be a friend in my case as she is a fair bit older than me and in different life stage.

Suddenly I... Well I suppose I fell in love with her a bit. More than a bit. Attracted to her, the whole deal. Through this and some other random things we have become really good friends which is lovely.

I don't really understand it so I'm not much help to you. But I think that for me it's not really underneath it all a sexual attraction, just a very very intense friendship. Still feel guilty about it in respect of dh despite never having done anything inappropriate at all. If anything I fear my friend might be a bit of a mother substitute rather than a fantasy lover. Oh dear.

babyphat Tue 18-Mar-14 20:37:12

Have had sex with both genders but no actual relationships with women. And I was a bit in denial as a teen so much more experience with men. Then DP turned up literally at the point I'd given up on blokes and was plucking up the courage to embark on braving the gay dating scene!!

But it is still part of who I am and what makes me tick. I think I will always identify as bi, even if all goes to plan and Dh and I grow old and wrinkly together. It's important to me on a number of fronts including culturally and politically. Hope that doesn't sound too wanky. Just that I am often conscious of the battles I've not had to fight due to having an opposite sex partner - straight privilege if you will. Now I definitely sound wanky. grin

Flexiblefriend Tue 18-Mar-14 20:43:05

I have a theory that rather than everyone being straight, bi, or gay, it is more of a sliding scale. If you look at it that way, it is not that surprising you have come across a woman you are attracted to, despite being mostly attracted to men. I think it is quite normal, and more common than a lot of people would be willing to admit.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 20:43:30

MummyBearest, love your name. Thanks for replying, Im starting to believe that its normal (whatever that means :D).

Deplorabelle, its funny you should say about the age and life stage. This woman is at least 10 yeara older than me, with older kids and is also at least middle class whereas I am a working class lass (hate using those lables on social class but was the easiest way to explain).

I doubt very much we will ever be friends.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 20:48:38

babyphat - not wanky at all, I inderstand what your getting at.

Flexible - i gree about the scale, Ive always been able to say x,y,z celebrity is attractive. My DH takes the mick out of me saying I fancy Cheryl Cole. It just seems like my scale has tipped up a bit these last few days!

Not sure if i should mention it to Dh, if it wasn't someone we both worked with I would probably say something but Im not sure if it would make things weird if we saw her.

deplorabelle Tue 18-Mar-14 21:19:12

I told my dh. I'm glad he knows. But it sort of was also unhelpful. To the extent that it's a mid life crisis thing this is my own private little fantasy world that I retreat into.

Was tricky in the early days of friendship developing as dh thought I was going to get hurt knowing how I felt about her. He was also understandably jealous.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 21:28:14

Thanks for sharing your experience deplorabelle. Its interesting and helpful to hear that I'm not the only one. I'm glad you have become friends, I'd love to be (just) friends but theres no chance of that. I guess I'll just keep things private for now (apart from telling all of Mumsnet :D) and have a think about if its worth telling DH. Chances are I wont see her at for a long time after this week, so maybe I should just enjoy the feeling whilst it lasts :D

deplorabelle Tue 18-Mar-14 23:12:23

Is it really out of the question to be friends with her? I guess these things are often too difficult to pursue... In which case yes just enjoy the feeling while it lasts

ListenToTheLady Tue 18-Mar-14 23:21:33

I have always thought of myself as straight, never experimented with a woman or really been interested - but last year I met a woman who I felt like this about. We were only thrown together for a short while in an unusual situation so I don't see her now. But I wouldn't have been averse to something happening with her, if I was single. I did not tell dp! It was a surprising feeling but it felt private. As I am spoken for, I knew nothing would happen anyway so it was just an interesting experience iyswim.

BigPawsBrown Tue 18-Mar-14 23:22:51

Normal I think, there is a huge gap between admiring someone and wanting to spend time with them and wanting to actually physically have sex with them. Fantasies can be fantasies and not be what you actually want.

Even if you do, you're married so won't act on it, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Dirtybadger Tue 18-Mar-14 23:30:21

Flexiblefriend I know that what you mean is a nice concept for bisexual people (I'm bi, it is) it takes the heat off and removes some stigma but I think honestly it is counter productive to tell other people about their sexuality. If someone identifies as gay or straight it is not helpful to suggest that, basically, they aren't! They do fancy men/women and are just in denial. Some people don't. At all.
But yes everything may be useful to look at as a scale in terms of bisexuality. I don't have exactly the same desire for men as women/women as men.

TooConfusedDotCom Tue 18-Mar-14 23:45:23

Deplorabelle - its pretty much out of the question yeah sad Without going into detail, Im doing some work at her (massive) house. She is friendly enough but in a 'Im paying you to be here type of way'. If she suggested a coffee tho I wouldnt say no ;)

ListenToTheLady - think Im going to go the same way you did and not say anything to DP. I know that there is no way anything will happen so Ill keep it to myself smile

Bigpaws - thats where Im finding it difficult to work out how Im feeling. The IDEA of something sexual is a nice thought but I dont know if I would do it in RL (if I wasnt married etc). I think fantasy is normally much better than reality so that is where it will stay.

Dirtybadger - so would you say that people who are attracted to same sex are bisexual? But use the scale thing to sort of explain it to themselves in their own mind IYKWIM? Its an interesting debate.

Dirtybadger Wed 19-Mar-14 00:28:19

If they want to call themselves straight they can. If they want to call themselves bisexual they can. Whatever they identify with. Imo, anyway. I think most people can sort through what they identify with in their mind. Sometimes it may take a while if sort of "transitioning".
I identified as straight. Now I don't. I wasn't in denial I just think I never explored it until a few years ago. And I've been in a relationship with a man, so haven't ever had sex with a woman. I know people who've had sex with lots of women but identify as straight. They're entitled to define their own sexuality. Hence I think it's really unfair to infer hetero or homosexuals are...actually bisexual.

I hope that makes sense!

Dirtybadger Wed 19-Mar-14 00:32:02

I know some people find the Kinsey Scale useful on explaining or understanding their sexual orientation. Heterosexual and homosexual are at either end but as absolutes. So I suppose it fits on a "scale" in that sense.

Flexiblefriend Wed 19-Mar-14 09:11:49

But Dirtybadger, I'm not saying people can't be completely gay or straight, that is just the ends of the scale. I just think that most people are somewhere in the middle, although in many cases that may be right to one end or other of the middle. I just don't think most people fit neatly into one of three boxes. (I hope that makes sense, it does in my head.)

TooConfusedDotCom Wed 19-Mar-14 22:22:38

Its interesting to hear both your views. I have always believed that people were either gay, straight or bisexual. Always identified as straight but always wondered why on earth people would think its 'weird' or 'wrong' to be gay. To me its always just seemed natural either way.

I have no more news, I saw her again today and had the same feelings, Im pretty gutted that after this week I wont see her again. Oh well, such is life smile

Thanks for all the replies people. Its helped a lot smile

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