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Xp has called social services. I'm terrified and really upset.

(54 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 14:37:56

Background - I finally left my abusive cocklodger dp I'm December. Since then I've been doing OK, he still tries to control me but I'm wise to it now and don't give in. He has been quite bad recently, turning up whenever he feels like it and it got the point where I had to change the locks because it turned out he still had a key.

He can be very jekyll and Hyde. For example, I'm still insured on his car and he offers it to me if he knows we have appointments or something. I stupidly thought he was just being nice and thinking of us for once but he then started to use it against me for more access and as a form of blackmail. I'll give you the car if you give me dd2 for the night etc, that kind of thing.

He is absolutely useless as a father. He hasn't got a clue how to fit the car seat into the car so he just doesn't bother, he can't fold the pram (9 months on, he still won't let me show him) so dd2 (9mo) just gets carried everywhere, he can't change nappies properly, hasn't a clue how to make a bottle and will not let me show him how. I have never let him have dd2 on his own. He is not capable of looking after her and I'd be too worried that it would be dangerous. He's more interested in his phone and ignores her. He doesn't want to see dd1 on his own, just dd2. Dd1 (4.10) is not his but knows him as daddy. She's very confused.

Both dds have had a sickness bug the past couple of days. The days leading up to them being ill, I was ill and really struggled on my own. I am miles away from friends and family.

He turned up out of the blue a few days ago and the house was a tip because I was ill. Dds were playing happily and I was sitting on the sofa in my pyjamas looking like death. He went off on one about the mess. I'm lazy, disgusting, an unfit mother, his daughter is suffering and he is going to have her removed. I asked him to leave and thought nothing more of it.

He text me later that evening and said he had been in touch with social services and he was going to get custody of dd2. I stupidly replied telling him I was moving to my hometown in the next few weeks (I am, but was waiting for a good moment to tell him) and that he wouldn't be getting her. My hometown is 30 mins away and I can't wait to move back. My family and friends are there, I've got a lovely house with cheap rent and I'm surrounded by parks and countryside.

He is fuming. He has told me I'm not going and that he has called the benefit fraud line and reported me. I'm not claiming fraudulently but I know from experience that they can suspend your claim until they investigate. I'm scared I'm going to be left with no money.

About an hour ago I had a phone call from a social worker letting me know they would be round about 5pm this afternoon. I'm terrified. The house is immaculate and I'm feeling better but the dcs are still ill and I'm scared they will think I've harmed them. I have no idea what xp has told them but it will all be lies because they are well looked after, clean and fed.

Any advice?

I feel sick.

30SecondsToVenus Tue 18-Mar-14 14:38:12

I'm so sorry that was longer than I thought.

penniespigsandpewter Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:07

I think ss will see past your exP's malicious lies tbh. He sounds awful. Well done for getting shot of him.

Qix Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:09

30 minutes away does not sound far enough for you to be stopped from moving, so you can relax about that I think.

I am sure the social worker will have enough experience to recognise normal childhood illnesses.

FushandChups Tue 18-Mar-14 14:43:29

SS will see that it is a fraudulent claim almost immediately i would imagine - they must deal with this all the time (what a waste of their time) but they do need to.investigate.

Don't let it worry you or set you back. You're doing really well and can see this for what it is, him desperately trying to get control back.

Hope it all goes well this afternoon

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Tue 18-Mar-14 14:45:00

Look - I can't say for certain, because I don't know your ex - but I am willing to bet that this is all bluster and show, and he has no intention of actually going for residence - because it would mean he'd have to do the work involved.

But by throwing out the threat, he hopes to scare you into complying with what he wants - basically you've started standing up to him, and now he's got to up the ante in ever more desperate efforts to control you.

I am also sure that Social Services must be wise to this sort of thing, from cock-lodger exes, who don't really want the baby, but are just threatening their ex - and they are also human beings who understand that when Mum is ill, the house isn't going to be Anthea Turner immaculate - and that an untidy house doesn't mean neglected or abused children. They will look past that, and see two healthy, happy children, with plenty of food in the cupboards and the fridge, toys to play with, clean clothes to wear, and a safe environment to live in - I am willing to bet that, even when the house was a mess, all these things were there.

Likewise - if you aren't fiddling the benefits system, they won't be able to find any grounds for his complaints.

And the more ridiculous allegations he makes, that are later disproved, the more he will look like the unreasonable one, and will get a reputation as someone just out to make trouble for a good parent.

5OBalesofHay Tue 18-Mar-14 14:45:10

Social workers arent daft. They will see this for the load of bull that it is. Then they will ignore any future trouble making.

Twighlightsparkle Tue 18-Mar-14 14:46:16

Agree with the others, they will see through him.

Can you get some legal advice?

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 14:46:27

30 seconds please try not to worry too much, the SW will be used to malicious calls esp from exes, and it sounds as though you are doing a great job with your girls, and the SW will see that too.
Tell her/him that you are moving back to your hometown to get away from him and to be near family, I am sure she/he will be on your side, quite sure.
The benefits agency is used to malicious calls as well, fingers crossed for you that they do not suspend payment; i find it unlikely tbh.

wannaBe Tue 18-Mar-14 14:48:44

your ex won't be the first to have done this and he won't be the last, ss will have heard it all before.

Just tell her everything you've just told us.

As for moving, there's nothing he can do about it so don't let that bother you.

Does your dd1 know that he's not her bio father? because while I sympathise that it's confusing for her, if she's not his then I can see that perhaps he doesn't want to maintain that relationship esp as she is still so young. as hard as that is for her iyswim.

Sherlockholmes221b Tue 18-Mar-14 14:51:33

I also think the SS will be used to this sort of malicious misuse of their services. They are certainly not in the business of taking children away from perfectly fit parents, (they have enough to do dealing with the chaotic parenting they see on a daily basis) and will I'm sure be very happy with the conditions under which your children are living. Have you considered printing off or showing them this thread which details exactly the circumstances? Good luck with getting away from this complete bastard, things can only get better. X

KellyElly Tue 18-Mar-14 14:54:33

It will be fine OP. SS will do an initial investigation and probably nothing more. Your children will not be taken off you, nor are you a case for having a care plan by what you have said in your OP. I would insist now that all your communication with him is via email and do not engage, do not use his car etc. You need to keep evidence of any threats etc and report him to the police if he harasses you. Have no contact with him except regarding the children and if he tries to threaten/bully then just do not respond. Good luck OP. Do not let this man get you down. Just disengage as much as possible for your own mental heath.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:54:47

I would show the SW this thread.
I agree there is no way this man wants to take on the role of full time parent. Too much like hard work.
I doubt SW will be happy at having their time wasted by him.

bigbuttons Tue 18-Mar-14 14:56:01

I agree with everything said here, please don't worry. My ex did this to me too, it's horrific, I know what you're going through. Believe it or not we were still living together at the time!
Please update us and good luck x

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 14:58:59

ps - I used to be a HV, and I have got 3 DC.
You should have seen the state of my house when my 2 eldest had chicken Pox and I had really bad tonsillitis. My lovely GP came to visit because the baby was really poorly and I couldn't take the c.poxy ones out.

Poor woman couldn't even find a place to put her bag down blush
She didn't report me to anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 15:00:37

I'm sure you can reassure SS that he's acting maliciously and the benefit fraud threat sounds like an empty one. In a perfect world you'd be able to have the evil bugger up on some kind of criminal charge... defamation of character, wasting social workers' time, malicious reporting, slander even

Dwerf Tue 18-Mar-14 15:07:35

If you can manage to have anything approaching a tidy house when you've two kids home ill, I tip my hat to you. Mine looked like an absolute bombsite last week when both me and the kids were all off sick.

Social workers are wise to arseholian ex-partner whinges, and the more he does it, the worse he looks if he takes it further.

I bet you're doing fine and your kids are fine. And I'm pretty sure the social worker is going to think the same thing.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:11:39

I would show the social worker the threatening text messages from him if I were you.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:15:29

Another one here who'se ex keeps doing this to me. He even complained to social services that I went to bed and left my daughter downstairs unattended. She was 15 at the time.

It's tedious but just comply with social services and don't engage with your ex.

NigellasDealer Tue 18-Mar-14 15:16:15

yes do that, I had some threatening messages once, and then a malicious phone call to police, when the police officer arrived i simply showed him the messages and off he went, time wasted.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:17:06

arseholian - I like that grin

nicename Tue 18-Mar-14 15:19:00

I suspect it wasn't a real social worked who called - more likely a friend put up to making the call to scare you.

They get a hell of a lot of calls. I know people who work with the SS hand in hand and there are a lot of malicious reporting that goes on. They aren't stupid and have been known to go back to the person making the accusations and tell them that they are timewasters.

They will probably want to see that the home is secure and safe, you have food in your cupboard, heating that works and don't have a pack of wildebeest pooing in your front room. They can tell the difference between a dangerous situation and a malicious ex partner.

bibliomania Tue 18-Mar-14 15:19:08

My ex has made loads of malicious complaints to SS - that dd was covered in bruises, that I wasn't looking after her properly, that I pushed her down the stairs, that I hurt her by squeezing her ribs. He has also trotted off to the police on a regular basis alleging that I'd disappeared when I was sitting at hom. His most recent thing was to call the NHS 111 number to report that he didn't like a DVD she was watching.

They will initially take it seriously, but don't worry, I can tell you that they'll get the measure of the situation very very quickly.

NCagain Tue 18-Mar-14 15:20:16

That is a point OP.
Make sure the person who turns up has proper ID.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 15:24:21

my friends husband reported her to social services because she had some out of date food in the fridge grin

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