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I as Dp to leave last night. am so upset

(59 Posts)
twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:20:46

I have 2 dds 18 and 17 who are both doing great at school got part time jobs not been to much trouble. but too me and in the home they can be disrespectful rude and lazy, a lot of this is my fault as when their df left I over compensated for his failings as a farther and let them get away with too much sometimes for a quite life.
In the summer Dp moved in after two years together he always got on ok with the dds he has a ds who is 16 but hasn't full time lived with him for years. so big adjustments
all round living with two teen girls.
but one big issue he hates the way the dds speak to me and our lazy in the home and don't help. he and dd1 have had some clashes over the way she has spoken to him, but he has mostly stayed in the background leaving it too me to sort it.
we have had many discussions how I need to get a backbone and not let the dds treat me the way they do saying that I must back him up as he is a adult and will not be spoken to like that.
I have also had dd in tears saying that he has said hurtful things to her and that I haven't backed her up.
it all came to head last night , I came in from work tired dp was cooking as it was his day off dds were just sitting watching telly no offers to help, any way dd1 couldn't find her charger so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine, (had issues with charges going missing lost ect dds just taking his from our room with out asking) dd1 blew up started shouting at him saying he was selfish and rude. he lost it really had a go at dd1 telling her had never met anyone so rude and bad manners and that she was lazy and wouldn't get on in life and her altitude is vile. it was full on shouting between them.
DD1 getting upset I couldn't handle it and told dp if he thinks like that about my dd he should leave and just to go.
Well he has, said he has enough and that all he asked of me was to back him up when needed.
I am so upset as apart from this everything was good and I love him he is thoughtful and kind and we laugh so much.
my friend in rl knew as soon as I spoke to her what the problem was as in the dds and said I should have backed him, the thing is the dd1 will most likely be off to uni this year and dd2 next and then I will be on my own, I am scared that I will resent the dds for the break up of my relationship.
He is sure that he cant go on living like this as all he asked was my back up.

twoteens Mon 24-Mar-14 10:31:01

Thank you for the reply's, had a weekend with just the dds, (well when they were in) DP at his sons for the week.
DD1 know she was rude but was also upset the way dp spoke to her but it had been brewing for a long time. I have asked dds to make more of a effort around the home and to think about the way they speak to me and dp.
Dp gets frustrated at the way they talk to me and the pure laziness of them in the home, and after numerous promises from me to deal with the matter is upset how I dealt with it. I have been putting my head in the sand for too long.
The dds know that it is their home and will always be they are also safe in the knowledge that I would put them first. .
But have told them that I have a right to happiness and that dp makes me happy and has brought quality's into our home that didn't exist before.
not going to say it going to be easy but in any household with teens weather it be step or not there will be issues .
but hopefully we can move forward.

MistressDeeCee Sat 22-Mar-14 22:07:19

But mistressdee the dds are 17 and 18 the 18yr old will be going away to uni this year and the dd2 most likely next year, should I put my life on hold. it will be like they rule the roost (which I have let them do for far too long)

No OP - I don't think you should put your life on hold. That isn't what I meant at all. I am simply saying, sometimes we have an idea about what partners should put up with but unfortunately we cannot choose their reaction to difficult circumstances. Which is really a long way of saying, if the situation gets on your man's nerves then he won't want to live in it, and there's not much you can do. That doesn't mean he won't want to be with you.

Its a double edged sword because your teens can and will go off to have their own lives when they're ready. & that could be a lonely time for you. Only you know the true dynamics of your family and how to deal with this situation.

A good friend of mine has been through almost the same thing as you. Her last LTR crashed because her son (13 at the time) made things very difficult, didnt want any man around his mum, and was so obnoxious that said man eventually left. Although it took a long while. Son would be rude, obnoxious, sulky, argumentative etc in front of anyone who visited, very embarassing to watch and hear. & mum felt she couldn't/shouldn't really say anything. Son is now 25, mum is still single. He's moved out to live with gfriend. Mum is lucky if he visits her more than once a year. & when he does..he is very 'entitled'.

Just saying...

RRRJ83 Thu 20-Mar-14 18:19:09

I haven't read all the replies on this, but I have experience from your dds position. Is your dp rude to them and are they frustrated by someone dictating to them? I don't think he has any right to shout at them. Did he ask them to help and they refuse?? He seems to have let pent up frustration get the better of him.

I think you did right asking him to leave. Your children need to know you will always be there for them and that your home is their home whatever happens. This doesn't mean your do is necessarily in the wrong, but more that he is not the priority regarding who gives who space.

However, they are 18 right? So adult enough to shout at an adult and also adult enough to take responsibility for the upset they have contributed to. You should sit with your dds and explain that it's a joint household and lay down your expectations for their behaviour. If they don't like it, they're old enough to move out. They should also apologise to your dp for being disrespectful.

I would ask dp to come back after you've had the chat. It's not right to sacrifice your happiness, they all need to grow up - your dp included.

longtallsally2 Thu 20-Mar-14 18:14:15

I was just going to suggest a family round table discussion and a contract, which you all sign, and jug just beat me to it. By all means sit the girls down this weekend and talk with them about what is reasonable ordinary behaviour to expect from everyone in their home. Then you can talk with your dp about it too. Then a round table discussion in which everyone gets to suggest things to go into a contract with you all sign would be great. Don't forget to include things like:

we will all try to talk without shouting to each other. If someone is particularly stressed however we agree that they might need more space for a while. They should make this easier by letting us know that something is worrying them, and not expect us to read their minds!

talullah57 Thu 20-Mar-14 18:02:23

I think a few apologies are in order here, not least from a few posters on this thread. You are doing your best to bring up 2 girls to be as nice as they can be. OK they, or at least one of them, was rude to your dp BUT instead of whipping yourself round the head, you should be congratulating yourself that in the main, they are well brought up young adults. It is not OK for them to speak to your dp as they do and they should at least be offering to help.
I think a pow wow around the table this weekend is in order as you mentioned, and a few grovelling and well meant apologies too.

Jan45 Thu 20-Mar-14 10:39:36

Still worth a though tt, if they girls will be away from home soon you might actually be better waiting for that to happen, you wouldn't be putting your life on hold for long and perhaps with the current situation you and your dp could just date until they do move on.

twoteens Thu 20-Mar-14 10:20:52

But mistressdee the dds are 17 and 18 the 18yr old will be going away to uni this year and the dd2 most likely next year, should I put my life on hold. it will be like they rule the roost (which I have let them do for far too long)

Jugofwildflowers sounds like you got it sorted, Dp is away for a few days so going to sit with dds over the weekend and have a good long chat and implement some conditions on how all live together in our home.

They are bright girls who outside the home are fine , its just that I have let them get away with too much in the home for a long long time I accept my faults I just need them to accept theirs.

MistressDeeCee Wed 19-Mar-14 22:21:26

OP I dont think any of you are particularly in the wrong. Unfortunately real life being what it is though, a lot of people simply won't want to or won't be able to cope with living in the family situation you've described. Love does not always conquer all - not in reality. & if your DDs attitudes are as you say then maybe a 'live-in' relationship with DP isn't right for you. At least not until your DDs are quite a few years older.

jugofwildflowers Wed 19-Mar-14 18:23:37

I think this sounds very hopeful op.

When I had a sit down family meeting with my dc a few years back we wrote out a contract and had a family friend witness and sign it. This family friend thought it was such a good idea and also thought her dc could do be being more helpful and so copied the idea and did the same!

One or two times in the early days I had to wave the contract in their direction but generally speaking, they all know what they need to do to keep their side of the bargain (posters who have heard of me might know dc's allowances are tied with how kind and helpful they are so an added incentive!)

None of us have ever looked back! Dc know how hard it is to maintain a cheerful, happy, clean and tidy, and most important PEACEFUL home and we could not achieve that without everyone pitching in.

Jan45 Wed 19-Mar-14 12:28:23

Don't see how shoving out two young adults (kids still imo) out onto the street would help anything, I doubt any of us would actually do it when it came to it, see what you're saying, in theory, it makes sense, but, practically speaking, how the hell would you sleep at night knowing your two young girls were out there....and where exactly?

Thing is, if the girls have always been a bit rude to you, it will be hard for them to change that, even though they know they need to. I think it's more important that they show your b/f some respect, after all, he had nothing to do with bringing them up.

It won't be easy, never is with blended families but effort has to come on all parts, incl the b/f. Good luck and come back and update us.

twoteens Wed 19-Mar-14 11:02:41

Thanks everyone, spoke to dd1 last night (dd2 was working will speak to her tonight) she had sent me a message in the day saying sorry, but its not me she has to be sorry too.
we discussed her attitude and how I have accommodated it for too long. she agrees that she is out of order but also that her A levels and stresses of everything she takes it out at home. I told her that it was totally unreasonable behaviour and I am not going to put up with it anymore.
Also how Dp moving in and the changers that have occurred. she says does like Dp and is pleased that I am happy, but its been a big adjustment on all parts
Spoke to Dp who is still rightly upset about the situation I think more angry with me then the the dds as I hadn't backed him up and asked him to leave when previously after many discussions I said I would.
He is coming home later this evening for a proper chat.
He is going to stay with his Son as his ex is away for the week next week so gives us all a bit of breathing space to work out a good way forward.
Not thinking its going to be easy as dds need to adjust their behaviour at home and I need to make sure that they know I wont tolerate that behaviour to me or DP.

peggyundercrackers Wed 19-Mar-14 10:36:21

georgina there would be no tension on my side - all the tension would be them wondering how they are going to manage once they are out on their ear if they didnt tow the line. they dont need help to take on their responsibility, they are young adults - they should manage that on their own - we know they can do it becuase they do it outside the house as OP tells us.

SpringyReframed Wed 19-Mar-14 08:50:13

OP, have you spoken to your DD's about this incident. What do they have to say?

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 19:09:57

Maybe...but I think that "my house my rules" will probably just ratchet up the existing tension in this instance. And I don't see it how it will help the girls take responsibility for the situation...which is what they really need to do. Also, it will place all responsibility for effecting change on mum. There are ways of taking control without taking all of the burden.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 18-Mar-14 16:19:27

Totally agree with you peggy

peggyundercrackers Tue 18-Mar-14 16:13:55

mediation? your having a laugh... my house - my rules - dont like it your out. end of. these are 17/18yr old, they are young adults - they know the difference between right and wrong and they absolutely know they are wrong and are taking the piss. dont enable their behaviour just tell them.

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:07:27

Sounds really rough.

In my (quite extensive) experience teenagers (including the older ones) can be wonderful. But they be particularly self-centered little shits. They have seen everything, know everything and everything revolves around them.

Maybe begin by reflecting upon what each of you could do to make the situation better (and this could be a guiding principle of the face2face meeting). Get it written down and exchange paperwork. Otherwise it will descend into another argument about who said/did what and laying blame. This approach might also encourage everyone (especially your girls) to recognize and take responsibility for their part in the situation.

Then get everyone round the table as jugofwildflowers suggests. It would be better if there was a neutral party to "chair" the meeting (is there a trusted family member or friend that could do this). Or do you have the finances to give professional family mediation a try?

Clutterbugsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 14:49:42

Sounds like you need to talk to your DD's about their behaviour. Yes it's good that they are good students and have part time jobs and that they are politeoutside your home.

Non of this excuses their bad/rude behviour towards you and your partner. They are old enough to know that it is wrong. I bet they do know,and do not treat anyone else like this and they should treat you with the same respect.

You need to make it clear that this will no longer be tolarated by them and that from now on they will do whatever chores you decide and they will ask before taking things that either belong to you or your partner.

I'm betting if you were to take something from their room and misplaced it they would scream blue murder, yet they treat your belongings like they are nothing.

ormirian Tue 18-Mar-14 14:45:23

It was point scoring. And referring to a past argument. That isn't a particularly good way to promote household harmony.

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:43:35

I think that is just the nature of chargers tbh smile I have a new phone, and have never seen the charger it came with as I think my dh took it! Same with iPod chargers. It is part of being a family. I still think the helpful thing to say is here, borrow mine, not mine is on the dresser, don't touch it!

jugofwildflowers Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:56

It's not too late op to call a 'family meeting', to ask them to write down what they can do to be kind and thoughtful at home, to compare notes, ask them to make suggestions, have clear rewards/consequences.

Be frank with them. If they are as nice as you say they are they will be more than happy to contribute to making a happy family life.

Once you have done that, contact your dp, tell them he was right in many respects, show him your family plan of action and go from there.

I don't understand these posters who think dc are all selfish. When they are toddlers they can be but then the whole point of parenting is to socialise them to become kind, responsible and thoughtful!

Wouldn't you want to do something about it if your dc were perceived to be lovely but behind closed doors were anything but?

That would be more worrying a legacy than anything else. Don't just be embarrassed, do something about it and if your dds are as lovely as you say they are I am sure they would be more than willing to make a positive change for the better.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 14:27:24

The problem with the charger is that previously chargers have just been removed from our room, then been lost or forgotten at friends houses. dp was just saying that the charger was his charger and not hers. I think it was just months of rudeness and inconsideration had built up.

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:20:22

Should be sounds like your dp inflamed the situation.

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:19:03

But surely the nice and adult thing to do when your dd was looking for her charger, would have been to say, oh mine is on the dressing table, borrow mine and make sure you put it back! Sounds like your dp I famed the situation to me!

bragmatic Tue 18-Mar-14 14:17:22

Ormirian, I mean.

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