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I as Dp to leave last night. am so upset

(59 Posts)
twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:20:46

I have 2 dds 18 and 17 who are both doing great at school got part time jobs not been to much trouble. but too me and in the home they can be disrespectful rude and lazy, a lot of this is my fault as when their df left I over compensated for his failings as a farther and let them get away with too much sometimes for a quite life.
In the summer Dp moved in after two years together he always got on ok with the dds he has a ds who is 16 but hasn't full time lived with him for years. so big adjustments
all round living with two teen girls.
but one big issue he hates the way the dds speak to me and our lazy in the home and don't help. he and dd1 have had some clashes over the way she has spoken to him, but he has mostly stayed in the background leaving it too me to sort it.
we have had many discussions how I need to get a backbone and not let the dds treat me the way they do saying that I must back him up as he is a adult and will not be spoken to like that.
I have also had dd in tears saying that he has said hurtful things to her and that I haven't backed her up.
it all came to head last night , I came in from work tired dp was cooking as it was his day off dds were just sitting watching telly no offers to help, any way dd1 couldn't find her charger so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine, (had issues with charges going missing lost ect dds just taking his from our room with out asking) dd1 blew up started shouting at him saying he was selfish and rude. he lost it really had a go at dd1 telling her had never met anyone so rude and bad manners and that she was lazy and wouldn't get on in life and her altitude is vile. it was full on shouting between them.
DD1 getting upset I couldn't handle it and told dp if he thinks like that about my dd he should leave and just to go.
Well he has, said he has enough and that all he asked of me was to back him up when needed.
I am so upset as apart from this everything was good and I love him he is thoughtful and kind and we laugh so much.
my friend in rl knew as soon as I spoke to her what the problem was as in the dds and said I should have backed him, the thing is the dd1 will most likely be off to uni this year and dd2 next and then I will be on my own, I am scared that I will resent the dds for the break up of my relationship.
He is sure that he cant go on living like this as all he asked was my back up.

DumbleDee Tue 18-Mar-14 13:52:10

I'm where you are OP, but with my youngest DS and DP, elder DS has a fantastic relationship with him. It's so hard being the referee all the time, and never knowing whether you are saying or doing the right thing. I have no advice I'm sorry, but am following this with interest.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 13:59:29

Thank you Jan It was just me and dds for a very long time so some big adjustments have had to be made, and he hadn't lived in a house hold with teens before. not excusing their behaviour and know that it needs to be addressed. for the sake of all our happiness. (that's if dp is willing to give it a go.)

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:03:18

Well you acknowledge your failings which is good, nobody is perfect, you were making up for an absent father and your mum putting a man before you is bound to cloud your judgement of what is fair and what is spoiling.

I hope you can sort it out.

SoonToBeSix Tue 18-Mar-14 14:05:27

I don't understand? Your dd was in the wrong bot your dp, poor guy.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:07:28

I hope your DP will at least discuss what can change with you OP.

Remember this man has no experience of living with two teenage girls, that's important.

ormirian Tue 18-Mar-14 14:10:53

He may be a lovely man in many ways but can you explain this to me please:

"so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine," Why even mention it ? It was irrelevant. Sounds to me as if he was just trying to wind her up.

It sounds as if both parties need to grow up a little. Shouting never solved any problems.

ormirian Tue 18-Mar-14 14:11:40

BTW they were BOTH in the wrong in this instance.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 18-Mar-14 14:14:39

Stop feeling like a failure and start doing something about it. Like your DP you should not be tolerating this behaviour either. You need to make some house rules and quick. If you don't address this I feel you are going to be very lonely as who in their right mind would want to be part of this scenario.

bragmatic Tue 18-Mar-14 14:16:49

Because, ormion, his charger had been borrowed and not returned (lost) on previous occasions

bragmatic Tue 18-Mar-14 14:17:22

Ormirian, I mean.

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:19:03

But surely the nice and adult thing to do when your dd was looking for her charger, would have been to say, oh mine is on the dressing table, borrow mine and make sure you put it back! Sounds like your dp I famed the situation to me!

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:20:22

Should be sounds like your dp inflamed the situation.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 14:27:24

The problem with the charger is that previously chargers have just been removed from our room, then been lost or forgotten at friends houses. dp was just saying that the charger was his charger and not hers. I think it was just months of rudeness and inconsideration had built up.

jugofwildflowers Tue 18-Mar-14 14:42:56

It's not too late op to call a 'family meeting', to ask them to write down what they can do to be kind and thoughtful at home, to compare notes, ask them to make suggestions, have clear rewards/consequences.

Be frank with them. If they are as nice as you say they are they will be more than happy to contribute to making a happy family life.

Once you have done that, contact your dp, tell them he was right in many respects, show him your family plan of action and go from there.

I don't understand these posters who think dc are all selfish. When they are toddlers they can be but then the whole point of parenting is to socialise them to become kind, responsible and thoughtful!

Wouldn't you want to do something about it if your dc were perceived to be lovely but behind closed doors were anything but?

That would be more worrying a legacy than anything else. Don't just be embarrassed, do something about it and if your dds are as lovely as you say they are I am sure they would be more than willing to make a positive change for the better.

Jinglebells99 Tue 18-Mar-14 14:43:35

I think that is just the nature of chargers tbh smile I have a new phone, and have never seen the charger it came with as I think my dh took it! Same with iPod chargers. It is part of being a family. I still think the helpful thing to say is here, borrow mine, not mine is on the dresser, don't touch it!

ormirian Tue 18-Mar-14 14:45:23

It was point scoring. And referring to a past argument. That isn't a particularly good way to promote household harmony.

Clutterbugsmum Tue 18-Mar-14 14:49:42

Sounds like you need to talk to your DD's about their behaviour. Yes it's good that they are good students and have part time jobs and that they are politeoutside your home.

Non of this excuses their bad/rude behviour towards you and your partner. They are old enough to know that it is wrong. I bet they do know,and do not treat anyone else like this and they should treat you with the same respect.

You need to make it clear that this will no longer be tolarated by them and that from now on they will do whatever chores you decide and they will ask before taking things that either belong to you or your partner.

I'm betting if you were to take something from their room and misplaced it they would scream blue murder, yet they treat your belongings like they are nothing.

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 15:07:27

Sounds really rough.

In my (quite extensive) experience teenagers (including the older ones) can be wonderful. But they be particularly self-centered little shits. They have seen everything, know everything and everything revolves around them.

Maybe begin by reflecting upon what each of you could do to make the situation better (and this could be a guiding principle of the face2face meeting). Get it written down and exchange paperwork. Otherwise it will descend into another argument about who said/did what and laying blame. This approach might also encourage everyone (especially your girls) to recognize and take responsibility for their part in the situation.

Then get everyone round the table as jugofwildflowers suggests. It would be better if there was a neutral party to "chair" the meeting (is there a trusted family member or friend that could do this). Or do you have the finances to give professional family mediation a try?

peggyundercrackers Tue 18-Mar-14 16:13:55

mediation? your having a laugh... my house - my rules - dont like it your out. end of. these are 17/18yr old, they are young adults - they know the difference between right and wrong and they absolutely know they are wrong and are taking the piss. dont enable their behaviour just tell them.

BabsAndTheRu Tue 18-Mar-14 16:19:27

Totally agree with you peggy

Georgina1975 Tue 18-Mar-14 19:09:57

Maybe...but I think that "my house my rules" will probably just ratchet up the existing tension in this instance. And I don't see it how it will help the girls take responsibility for the situation...which is what they really need to do. Also, it will place all responsibility for effecting change on mum. There are ways of taking control without taking all of the burden.

SpringyReframed Wed 19-Mar-14 08:50:13

OP, have you spoken to your DD's about this incident. What do they have to say?

peggyundercrackers Wed 19-Mar-14 10:36:21

georgina there would be no tension on my side - all the tension would be them wondering how they are going to manage once they are out on their ear if they didnt tow the line. they dont need help to take on their responsibility, they are young adults - they should manage that on their own - we know they can do it becuase they do it outside the house as OP tells us.

twoteens Wed 19-Mar-14 11:02:41

Thanks everyone, spoke to dd1 last night (dd2 was working will speak to her tonight) she had sent me a message in the day saying sorry, but its not me she has to be sorry too.
we discussed her attitude and how I have accommodated it for too long. she agrees that she is out of order but also that her A levels and stresses of everything she takes it out at home. I told her that it was totally unreasonable behaviour and I am not going to put up with it anymore.
Also how Dp moving in and the changers that have occurred. she says does like Dp and is pleased that I am happy, but its been a big adjustment on all parts
Spoke to Dp who is still rightly upset about the situation I think more angry with me then the the dds as I hadn't backed him up and asked him to leave when previously after many discussions I said I would.
He is coming home later this evening for a proper chat.
He is going to stay with his Son as his ex is away for the week next week so gives us all a bit of breathing space to work out a good way forward.
Not thinking its going to be easy as dds need to adjust their behaviour at home and I need to make sure that they know I wont tolerate that behaviour to me or DP.

Jan45 Wed 19-Mar-14 12:28:23

Don't see how shoving out two young adults (kids still imo) out onto the street would help anything, I doubt any of us would actually do it when it came to it, see what you're saying, in theory, it makes sense, but, practically speaking, how the hell would you sleep at night knowing your two young girls were out there....and where exactly?

Thing is, if the girls have always been a bit rude to you, it will be hard for them to change that, even though they know they need to. I think it's more important that they show your b/f some respect, after all, he had nothing to do with bringing them up.

It won't be easy, never is with blended families but effort has to come on all parts, incl the b/f. Good luck and come back and update us.

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