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I as Dp to leave last night. am so upset

(59 Posts)
twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:20:46

I have 2 dds 18 and 17 who are both doing great at school got part time jobs not been to much trouble. but too me and in the home they can be disrespectful rude and lazy, a lot of this is my fault as when their df left I over compensated for his failings as a farther and let them get away with too much sometimes for a quite life.
In the summer Dp moved in after two years together he always got on ok with the dds he has a ds who is 16 but hasn't full time lived with him for years. so big adjustments
all round living with two teen girls.
but one big issue he hates the way the dds speak to me and our lazy in the home and don't help. he and dd1 have had some clashes over the way she has spoken to him, but he has mostly stayed in the background leaving it too me to sort it.
we have had many discussions how I need to get a backbone and not let the dds treat me the way they do saying that I must back him up as he is a adult and will not be spoken to like that.
I have also had dd in tears saying that he has said hurtful things to her and that I haven't backed her up.
it all came to head last night , I came in from work tired dp was cooking as it was his day off dds were just sitting watching telly no offers to help, any way dd1 couldn't find her charger so dp just said mine is on my dressing table and that's mine, (had issues with charges going missing lost ect dds just taking his from our room with out asking) dd1 blew up started shouting at him saying he was selfish and rude. he lost it really had a go at dd1 telling her had never met anyone so rude and bad manners and that she was lazy and wouldn't get on in life and her altitude is vile. it was full on shouting between them.
DD1 getting upset I couldn't handle it and told dp if he thinks like that about my dd he should leave and just to go.
Well he has, said he has enough and that all he asked of me was to back him up when needed.
I am so upset as apart from this everything was good and I love him he is thoughtful and kind and we laugh so much.
my friend in rl knew as soon as I spoke to her what the problem was as in the dds and said I should have backed him, the thing is the dd1 will most likely be off to uni this year and dd2 next and then I will be on my own, I am scared that I will resent the dds for the break up of my relationship.
He is sure that he cant go on living like this as all he asked was my back up.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:21:21

That was asked in the tittle

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:26:08

Where has he gone? Welcome to blended families, it can be a nightmare. He obviously feels like you don't support him and that's shit for him, I've been there, it's not nice but at the same time, he has to cut them and you some slack, you've spoilt your girls, big deal, we all do it, it's a bit late now to start laying down new rules, all that will do will inflame and make them feel put upon. You need to reach a compromise, and the only way to do that is for you all to sit down and calmly talk together, raising issues and resolving them.

You might find it can't be resolved and this will continue, but, if they are leaving the nest soon, it might be a case of hanging on in there until they fly off.

Neither is in the wrong, and neither are you.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime Tue 18-Mar-14 11:32:57

I've spoiled my kids too and have had the shock of seeing them through DPs eyes. We've managed to find a middle way but there have been tears all round. DP has supported me in being tougher with the kids, he's softened his attitude to them, and we muddle along OK.

I somehow felt my kids wouldn't like or love me if I was tough on them, and I am scared of confrontation and felt guilty about the family I brought them in to. I've managed to toughen up a bit with DPs help and amazingly, they do still love me!

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:39:47

He will be staying at a friends, he is due to stay with his son from Friday for a week any way as his ex wife is away for the week.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy for him living with us but never thought it would be this difficult, he has improved our quality of life at home he is organized and a great cook and dds knew I was a happier person since being with him.

but don't like the aspect of their behaviour being challenged I know that I could have prevented it getting this far. but really think by asking him to leave I have pushed it too far.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 11:44:20

Lgqt that is exactly how I feel,
also their dad has let them down time and time again so I over compensated, I feel there dad has let them down so I carnt in any possible way. and by asking him to leave I put them first.

fishfingereaters Tue 18-Mar-14 11:45:21

To be frank, I feel for your DP and think he is absolutely right. They are rude and disrespectful to him, start a fight because they don't get to walk all over him like they do you, and then you back them up, against him, and ask him to leave.

Plus, they are 17 and 18, so pretty much adults, yet laze around watching him make dinner without helping. And this is fine with you?

peggyundercrackers Tue 18-Mar-14 11:46:41

i think you were wrong to ask him to leave. your DD should not have shouted at him and he was absolutely right to defend himself. you should also have backed him up whereas what your beahviour has done is shown DD she has more power than you or him and her behaviour will not be challenged.

neolara Tue 18-Mar-14 11:51:46

Er.. I sort of think you should be apologising to your dp. Your dd shouted like a banshee at your dp after he made a fairly neutral comment to your dd about something that obviously has history. Unless there is massive of background to this (which there probably is I guess), you really should have backed him up. I wouldn't live in a house where my partners 18 year old thinks it OK to kick off at me and my dp did nothing. It would be different if the child was 6. But 18. Not OK.

CrystalBeth Tue 18-Mar-14 12:20:29

Woah. How can you think it's acceptable for your DD to speak to an adult like that?

I'm not surprised your DP reacted the way he did, if a 17 year old had spoken to me like that I'd have absolutely hit the roof. Sorry to be brutal but if I were him it would be game over for me, I couldn't tolerate my partner condoning such blatant disrespect and basic manners.

If you want to keep your relationship you are going to have to start (rightly) backing your DP up. Do your DDs speak to everyone in that manner or is it just him?

Deathwatchbeetle Tue 18-Mar-14 12:36:17

I think he has had a lucky escape. I don't know why some people think it is okay for their childrn to give cheek and rudeness to all and sundry. My poor brother got this in spades when he married a woman with kids. I thought parent were supposed to have a united front. Surely you could have had this with a partner/step father etc.

I know it isn't easy when someone new moves in but surely this goes beyond a bit of give and take.

You had a good guy there and let him go. Hopefully you will wise up. If he does not return I do not blame him.

Those little madams need to grow up. Not everyone will take their lip.

All over a bloody phone charger!!!!!!

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 12:49:03

To everyone else they are respectful intelligent girls, like I said both are doing A levels have part time jobs lots of friends , other parents have commented on what lovely girls they are and what a good job I did bringing them up on my own.
But I haven't have I if I let them speak to me and him the way they do and have done in the past I did get stronger with them and have backed him up on occasions but they can manipulate me by saying that I care more about him then them and shouldn't I put them first.

My mum left me when I was 16 to move in with a man and never got over the fact that she put him first swore I would never do that to dds.

He wont answer my calls at the moment I don't know what to do how to make this right.

SpringyReframed Tue 18-Mar-14 13:01:36

What have your DDs said about what happened.. Surely they want to see their Mum happy?
I certainly feel very sorry for your DP. He sounds a good man and they dont come around very often. He wants to see you respected by your DDs and be respected himself.
Perhaps you need to talk to your DD's and then go to your DP with some proposals as to how to make things right including them apologising to him.

peggyundercrackers Tue 18-Mar-14 13:07:20

your not putting your DP over your DDs by asking them not to speak to you like they do and pull their weight around the house. i think your previous issues with your mum is clouding your judgement.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 13:09:36

You can't make it right really. You've taken your DDs' side against him and that's entirely your prerogative but it's up to him what he wants to do next. May be that he thinks it's worth another shot provided there are some changes. May be that he wants to give it up as a bad job, take you at face value and move on. You'll just have to wait until he's ready to communicate.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 13:09:52

C'mon now, your girls are young adults so throwing their toys at the pram just won't work anymore, or at least, shouldn't be tolerated.

Problem also is that you are soft whereas he is stricter, will always cause conflict I'm afraid.

Are they immature for their age, cos at 17 and 18 they should be able to understand the basics of manners.

I'd think he has to compromise a bit here but you will have to do most of it, it's a shame, you'll always be piggy in the middle. Again, at their ages, they should be flying off soon so there's still hope!

jugofwildflowers Tue 18-Mar-14 13:11:17

I cannot understand any mother who thinks it is good policy to bring up rude, lazy, spoilt children no matter what excuse.

Why weren't your girls helping to make their beds and tidy their rooms as toddlers?

Why weren't they given daily little responsibilities like emptying the dishwasher, wiping down the counters, vacuuming, polishing mirrors etc when they first started school?

Why haven't you all taken turns to cook for each other or make cups of tea for each other, basically why haven't you taught them to be kind and thoughtful?

My 8 year old and 17 year old sons and all my dds do these things as a matter of course.

I would be horrified if one of my kind and thoughtful sons ended up with a daughter like yours, rude, spoilt, selfish and disrespectful.

You are condemning your daughters to a life of marital strife of their own if they don't have basic domestic skills and basic manners. Thank god you didn't have sons! Just sitting there while someone is slaving away cooking or cleaning for them!

OMG op you need a sit down meeting with your dds and put a plan in place asap! If they go to university with zero cooking experience or cleaning experience they are going to find themselves horrifically unpopular!

DioneTheDiabolist Tue 18-Mar-14 13:17:02

OP have you spoken to your DD's about what happened? What have they said?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 13:18:44

Thinking about it.... the only people who stand a chance of 'making this right' are your DDs. If they were to apologise to your DP for behaving like brats, promise to shape up and ask him to reconsider because his absence was making you miserable, that might have an effect. Or do you think they're enjoying the idea that they successfully chased him away and now have Indulgent Mummy all to themselves again?

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 18-Mar-14 13:19:39

By raising them to be spoiled you have let them down. Badly.

magoria Tue 18-Mar-14 13:21:45

Let's hope your DDs grow up and don't destroy any relationships you have for the next 15 or 20 years or you will be very lonely.

I don't blame him for leaving and not answering your calls. He has every right to expected to be treated to and spoken to civilly in what is his home even if you don't.

pregnantpause Tue 18-Mar-14 13:21:53

I'm sorry. Your DDS are verbally abusive and think it's okay to treat people they love with disrespect and rudeness. They are comfortable manipulating you as long as it serves their ends. They don't care for your happiness as long as they are happy. Lots of horrible people are only horrible when their public image isn't up for judgement. How will they treat future partners? sad Because those horrible dps, littering this board- the ones with great jobs, loads of friends, perfect dps in public, who are cruel, selfish and abusive behind closed doors? The ones we all chorus LTB? Well, it's not your dp that sounds like those people, it's your ddssad You haven't got long left to teach them manners, respect and acceptable boundaries.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 13:34:08

Thinks some posts are a bit harsh, the OP has effectively raised her two daughters on her own, she has been constantly complimented by others on their manners, the problem they have seems to be him, perhaps he is a bit over bearing, who knows.

Talk about OTT above.

Children are selfish by nature and at their ages the whole world will revolve around them, that does not mean they will grow up to be evil and manipulative, absolute nonsense, they will mature and realise that others also need their consideration, it's part of growing up.

Get round that table and get talking it out, it can be resolved if everyone is willing to put a bit effort in.

fishfingereaters Tue 18-Mar-14 13:45:11

Of course your DDs are lovely to other people - it's at home where we are most comfortable and secure that we let the underbelly of our character show. The bottom line is, they behaved that way and you need to address it.

twoteens Tue 18-Mar-14 13:50:34

Thank you for your reply's, some that have hit very hard where it hurts, as the the truth hurts doesn't it.
The dds do know how to cook and do know how to clean shown them enough, I have enabled them to be lazy and disrespectful in the home. I have discussed with them that they would not be poplar living with other people if the did this.
Like I said both hold down part time jobs in customer based services and dd2 works for a charity too.
The thing is I didn't want to see how badly they acted at home or how disrespectful as it showed my own failings as their mum. My partner has witnessed this and wont tolerate it as he shouldn't have too. but by pointing it out dd1 it makes me feel like a failure.

I know that they do love me and want me to be happy and my dp does make me happy so I need to be stronger and have a back bone if I want dp in my life.

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