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(51 Posts)
WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:36:26

No idea how to deal with this because I have to bring it up every few months and now I m just pissed off.

Both DH and I work full time but I work condenced hours (full week in four days). I spend the fifth day with DD.

I appear also to do most of the housework, meal planning, food shop (online), morning routine with DD (I get to work het up because of the terrible twos).

When ever I bring it up with DH apparently I am in bad mood and that is why I mention it. Things pick up for a while then back to me doing and nagging.

I haven't done what I normally do over last 5 days as have an audit at work and need to focus on this, therefore the house is messy and unclean.

My DSSs (20 & 18) are here every other week and do nothing.

So pissed off and can't concentrate. Just sent DH an email listing what I do etc and just got the reply 'don't email me at work'. How do I tackle this?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:39:52

Who cooks for your step sons when they come?

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:40:33

I do.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:43:35

Well for a start, stop shopping and paying for food for 2 adult guests who come into your home for 2 days out of every 14. That's just not on. Ask them not to come round empty handed (ie, they have to bring a small contribution, wine, flowers or something and a comic or sweets for their sister.

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:45:45

They live here 50% of the time. They are great with DD. Just not good with housework, like their Dad.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 10:46:26

E-mails are not the way. Neither is tackling this when you are in end of tether territory. Neither is repeated requests. Requires a calm discussion about how running a home is a team effort and everyone in the household, young or old, permanent resident or temporary, has to contribute to keeping the place running. Status quo is not acceptable.... go.

Why do you let the DSSs do nothing? They're your kids.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:48:48

So what do the other 3 adults in the house do while your cooking their food?

BeCool Tue 18-Mar-14 10:50:24

You've not done anything for a while because of work commitments?
Keep it up - don't do what you normally do - ride it out.

Spend you time instead making a list of all the things that need to be done around the house. Invite your H & SC to divide the chores up fairly between the four of you. And then they have to do them.

Your role is not to keep house for a bunch of fully functioning adults playing helpless/useless. Being a women does not make you more suited to housework. Being a man does not mean you "can't do it".

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 10:54:48

DH entertains DD, DSSs are generally coming home from collage or work. It isn't just the cooking, it is the vaccuming, keeping work surfaces, cooker and sink wiped down, cleaning floors, polishing, tidying, washing, etc etc. None of them can wipe down after themselves.

DH and I agreed he would be upstairs and I would be downstairs but upstairs never gets done unless I nag and then only a bit does. DSS are responsible for their rooms and their bathroom which never get done unless nagged.

Margetts Tue 18-Mar-14 10:56:03

What does your husband do around the house? Could you suggest he does the bedtime routine with DD while you clear up after dinner, or vice versus?
He probably doesn't appreciate everything you do and also doesn't realise the how hard work it is.
At the weekend could you get a takeaway or dine in for a £10 meal one night to make things easier? Just tell home that one night a week nobody is cooking.
Leave the house if you can stand it and just see what he does. He will soon notice if there are no clean shirts to wear!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:06:28

Just sort your daughter out and never ever ever ever be up doing chores until everyone else is. I have 3 teenagers and hell will freeze over before I get up and do mundane boring chores whilst they do nothing!

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:09:14

My husband will offer to clean up after dinner. He did last night. There are items emptied from the dishwasher left on side not put away. The sink has food and stains all over it. The cooker is covered in fat.

He will sometimes put washing in and dry it. Then leaves it in a pile on the sitting room chair.

He will do the bathroom when I ask.

He does bath DD.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 11:12:22

Don't nag. Give them a version of Hobson's choice. 'Lots to do so who's washing up, who's doing the vacuuming and who's filling the washing machine..... etc?' Doing nothing is obviously not one of the options on the table. No-one's allowed to sit down while you're working. Its pathetic that they're too lazy to motivate themselves but there you go.

Logg1e Tue 18-Mar-14 11:12:44

These bloody housework threads! How do people get in to these situations??

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:17:20

It just kind of happened.

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:18:20

And I feel like IABU and am the bad guy.

Amicus1966 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:19:01

Just do stuff for you and your DD such as washing, ironing, etc.
They will soon get the message when they realise that THEIR clothes are still sitting in a pile on the chair waiting to be ironed or put away.
You need to make a stand or carry on letting them take the piss, because that is what they are doing.

BeCool Tue 18-Mar-14 11:23:29

YANBU!!! And you are not the bad guy.

Do you think it would be reasonable for YOU to do the bare minimum, only when YOU were asked and then do it badly?

BeCool Tue 18-Mar-14 11:25:47

I did my own laundry since I was 12. I didn't put the clothes my Mum washed for me away properly so it became my own responsibility. I was perfectly capable of doing this aged 12. Surely you aren't washing the clothes of your SC?

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 11:28:58

Get a cleaner and get your OH to pay.

Chickenpops Tue 18-Mar-14 11:30:10

I know this is missing the point slightly but can you afford a cleaner? I always think a cleaner's a necessity (if at all possible) if both are working full time

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:31:14

No I refuse to. They do their own washing. It really isn't the kids that are such an issue. It is the person I am expecting to spend the next 40 odd years with.

I will chat again tonight with him.

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:34:54

I tried two cleaners. Both got caught out doing less than alloted time by about 40 mins. It is such a headache and I would have to sort it.

WhisperingShadow Tue 18-Mar-14 11:38:26

Asking round for cleaner.

BeCool Tue 18-Mar-14 11:39:31

can you take a list with you to the 'chat' - list everything you do for the house/family etc and all the jobs that need to be done.

Then between you divide the chores/jobs up.

Don't get caught in the "just ask me" solution as that means he feels the responsibility is squarely with you - if not to actually do the chores, then to instruct/supervise/nag others to do chores "for you".

Your solution is to have your H (and other household members that are able to) take joint responsibility for the household.

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