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Newly separated - feeling bereft...

(9 Posts)
Notnastypasty Tue 18-Mar-14 10:28:56

Seven months ago I thought I had an amazing marriage with a man who I considered my best friend. Then I found out he'd been having an affair with a colleague for 9 months.

He convinced me he wanted to stay and spent the next five months saying he would never do it again, apologising, etc. Then two months ago he decided one evening that he wasn't happy, loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore and couldn't promise to be faithful if the opportunity arose again so he would be leaving. He moved out the next day, we have a young dd.

I was a mess when I discovered the affair but sort of coped with him leaving. However, two months in the reality has hit and I'm struggling to come to terms with everything.

It just feels so unfair that he didn't give me the chance to work on our marriage, he just kept quiet then had an affair, convinced me everything was okay and then left. I feel a failure for not being able to give my daughter the life I wanted her to have even though I know he took the decision out of my hands.

He keeps telling me he's doing what's best for everyone when it's just what's best for him. I don't know how my lovely husband turned into this selfish uncaring idiot seemingly overnight.

I feel angry that he's destroyed our little family unit without giving it a proper chance - surely when you get married you go through ups and downs and feelings change? I can't believe he walked away so easily. He says he feels relieved that he doesn't have to lie about how he feels about me anymore.

Sorry for long post, just not sure what to do, how to feel and how to move on. How can I even miss someone who's treated me so appallingly?

QuiteSo Tue 18-Mar-14 10:45:37

I could have written your post almost word for word.
I don't know how he could do this to me or the DC either. Everyone I've told about the separation has been stunned because he seemed such a nice person.
However, this situation is so common. In my street alone there are two other families where the man has left for another woman. One of the blokes in question now lives further down the road with a new woman and their new baby.
I just guess you never think it'll happen to you.

Millyblods Tue 18-Mar-14 11:28:07

I'm sorry OP but the reason he left is because he never stopped having the affair and had already detached from your relationship and was invested in the other relationship. sad

Millyblods Tue 18-Mar-14 11:32:33

You are not a failure though, he is for not telling you how he was feeling about your relationship before he embarked on this affair.

lemonbabe Tue 18-Mar-14 16:01:57

Oh poor you. I really feel for you, I imagine your heart feels broken and you can't imagine how you'll get through.... my DP walked out on me and our DC two years ago and I remember feeling like I've never felt before. I say this because, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS - REALLY !!!

It's devastating, it's like having your heart ripped out of your chest but right now you need to put him to one side and start thinking about you and your DC, that is all !

Don't take the blame for his being an idiot and putting himself before his family. Men are selfish - FACT.

I know it's difficult but trying taking a big step back from all of this cr@p and heartache. You must look after yourself that means sleeping well, eating and talking with family and good friends you can trust.

Anger is totally normal - there are phases you'll go through: anger, sadness, more anger, despair..... all of that is normal.

I took it as an opportunity to get myself back on track. I took a long hard look at me, what I was doing, how I was looking (!!) what I hoped for in the future, my relationship with my kids, friends.... 2 years on and I've had a couple of relationships (they didn't work out but taught me a lot about men and about myself) I genuinely feel stronger, happier, more confident, more independant, a better person.

I'll repeat what Millyblods said: you are NOT a failure !!

Massive hugs


Minime85 Tue 18-Mar-14 16:11:59

so sorry u are going through this. it does get better. you will start to feel as if u can move forward. I will never forgive my ex for leaving and not trying harder for our family and marriage at the time. but 9 months after the I dont love u speech I've truly turned a corner in this last month. feel free and stopped feeling ashamed as I've nothing to be ashamed of.

you will too. you make a new reality. plan little treats for u and your DC to make new memories. thanks

Notnastypasty Tue 18-Mar-14 21:47:23

Quiteso - sorry you are going through this too, it really is heartbreaking isn't it.

Millyblods - I do believe he did finish the affair, not sure if it has restarted but I think he couldn't get over his feelings for her.

Lemon and minime - thanks for your words of encouragement, sorry you've been there too. How long did it take to stop missing what you had and to let go?

Stillcomingtoterms Tue 18-Mar-14 22:06:57

I'm sorry your going through this.

I split with my husband of twenty yrs last autumn. I went through the same stage you are now. I was angry that I wasn't able to give my children the family they should've had. I felt bad for destroying their family unit and annoyed with him for changing and denying me the life I thought I would always have.

There's a book on amazon which says the effects of divorce is similar to grief and that people experiencing either go through similar stages before it eases.

I'm 5 ish months single now and it does get better. I still have days where I'm upset about it but they are less and me and the dc are doing ok.

Minime85 Tue 18-Mar-14 22:32:43

I dont know if I've stopped missing the family life and security it held but I dont miss my ex anymore. he wasn't who I married or who I thought he was to be able to do this to me or our dcs. I still think I will have up and down days about it but I dont have that overwhelming sadness and shame anymore. thanks

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