im finding this all too difficult

[wontletmesignin]

Since november, when me and EA ex finally split. That was all very traumatic.
Boxing day, my dm ends up in hospital. Turns out it is incurable breast cancer.
She is doing well at the minute. Although, she is sleeping a lot more and cant walk for long now.
So her health is declining. Obvious, maybe, but ive not been accepting it.
As far as i could 'see' she was fine.
Now i can see otherwise.


On top of all of this ive had social services from mine and exes break up, so ive had meeting after meeting. All positive, but still stressful.

Now my dad is going through all of the tests my dm had, as he has a mass on his lung which has grown.

I have been blocking everything, and have been plodding along to the point people asking me how i am coping and handling everything so well.

I think i have worried about social services thinking that i cant cope so much that ive managed to shut off from it all.
Now i am struggling to keep it all in.

I feel awful as im stressing at the kidd. Although they are pushing my buttons - but thats what kids do when they sense you are down. I know this yet im still snappy.
I am so frustrated with myself for letting it all get on top of me.

What has made me feel worse is i spotted my neighbour watching me head off on the school run today, and just as i did i was miming "fucks sake". I hope to god she didnt think i was saying it out loud.

I am doing the freedom programme at the minute too, which is making me relive moments i dont really want to relive!
I know it will benefit me in the long run, but at the minute its just an extra annoyance of stress.

Ive got one person i talk to in RL about all of this. Even then, i minimise everything so to not end up in a huge talk, forcing me to accept things for how they really are!

I cant sleep as im worrying about everything, which frustrates me as i am absolutely shattered.

I dont really know what to expect from posting this. Just getting it off my chest i suppose

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you've been landed with so many stressful things at once and I'm pleased you have a RL friend. Do level with them so that they understand the severity of what's happening - people can only respond to the information given. Same goes for your children. The can see you're down but do they fully understand why? Again, I find even small children will rise to the occasion if they know there's a problem and that they need to be kinder. If they don't get told anything, IME that's when they go the attention-seeking route.

Hope you find ways to get more sleep. Being tired makes it more difficult to cope.

[mydaftlass]

Have you been to your GP? You have so much going on. Perhaps they could arrange counselling for you so you have someone to talk honestly with to help you get through.

[wontletmesignin]

Thank you.

I really dont know how or what to tell the kids. They know their grandma ill, but they dont really know why.

I will try and open up more to the person i talk to in RL.
My 9yo son tries to help me out with the younger two when he can see im stressing. Bless him. I feel bad about that too!

As for therapy. I have a therapist, but he is currently on the sick. Has been for a few weeks now.

I just dont want to burden this RL person with all of my shit. As much as they want to hear it...i just cant bring myself to do it.
I have tried. But i block myself and then change the conversation.
I think that is down to my ex constantly telling me that people have enough of their own problems, and i need to stop bringing him and others down with my shit.

This RL person, even says i used to be so open and talk to anyone about anything.

I struggle to even have a simple conversation now.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Definitely level with your 9yo that grandma is very poorly. I think it's lovely that he wants to help you out and you should tell him how much you appreciate it. It's not a reason for guilt at all. My own DS (13yo) is a dab hand at producing the stress-busting when he can see I'm losing the plot.

It's also not burdening a friend to tell them what's going on. You don't have to do it all at once or more than once and, if they want to know the truth, do your best. Perhaps you could fish out some of your old MN threads, print them out and let them read them? Break the ice that way....

[wontletmesignin]

Thank you. I will see what i can do about opening up.

I will have a talk with the kids too, just so they understand my stress is due to other reasons and not them.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When I was a kid, our family went through a really strange patch. Tempers were more frayed than normal, people kept disappearing off, adults would noticeably stop talking and look shifty when you walked into the room. Next thing my much-loved great-aunt suddenly died and it was a a huge shock and very confusing. Years later I discovered that she'd been terminally ill for a while but everyone was keeping quiet about it 'so as not to upset the kids'. Of course it now all made sense but, if my parents had had a little more faith and been a little more open, I wouldn't have spent so many years wondering what the hell happened and feeling worried that other relatives would suddenly up and die on me for no reason!

[DumbleDee]

My eldest DS was 1 week old when my DM was diagnosed with terminal cancer, following which my DD had a nervous breakdown. As the eldest child I became responsible for sorting it all out. My DM was having weekly visits to the local hospice at the time, and they also provided a counselling service to me. Is that an option for you (as well as seeing your GP?) Maybe Macmillan also? The stuff you are dealing with is traumatic x