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Abusive ExP wants residency of one child and not the other - help please

(28 Posts)
AuntSally1977 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:43:54

NC for this, though am more of a lurker usually. Sorry this is so long.

My emotionally abusive, controlling exP of 17 years is moving out at the end of this week, although we split last year (his idea, but I had been so so unhappy for years and was at the point of leaving myself by then). We have two sons - one is eight and the other is 19m old. I am currently a SAHM though I have worked FT for about four years of the last eight. The house is solely in my name as exP is self employed and literally cannot afford to pay himself (this has been the case for about ten years!). ExP left me for a woman he had an affair with about ten years ago, which is pretty galling, but tbh I am just glad he is going. He spent years screaming abuse at me, drinks way, way too much, has not contributed financially to the household and lived off my earnings, and tbh he frightens me due to his aggressive verbal attacks when he doesn't get his own way.

Until the last couple of months, I have pretty much done everything for both children. I have cooked, cleaned, done bedtimes, school runs, made book day costumes, parents nights, taken eldest to friends' playdates and parties... Lately exP has started doing the morning school run three times a week, as he has started walking a dog for a friend who lives near the school. He has also started doing DS1's bedtime story while I get DS2 to bed 4 times a week on average(would have been nice if he'd done that since DS2 was born as it was a nightmare dealing with both at once when DS2 was newborn, it's not so bad now). ExP will tell anyone who listens how much he does for/with DS1 but the reality is he only does it when it suits him and though he loves our children very much, he is very lazy and dumps most of the childcare on me (unless he is in public then he becomes superdad). He does bugger all for DS2 - has probably changed about 10 nappies since he was born and will occasionally take him for 5 mins for me.

DS2 is still breastfed, and wakes a couple of times a night, so overnight contact is going to be tricky for exP. However he has said he wants to see DS2 regularly throughout the week and as DS2 gets older he will do overnights building up to 50/50 with me.

ExP also says that he wants DS1 to spend time 50/50 with both of us, but that he feels that it is important for DS1 to have one 'main home' for stability. So he proposes that DS1 lives with him, and I have him overnight 2 nights a week and also see him often at exPs house when he is not in school! Obviously I am not happy with this - I think that 50/50 is best for DS1 as he does get on well with exP (when ex isn't shouting at him) and to split him from his little brother who he adores, and from me 5 nights a week will be awful for him. I also have no desire to spend time with exp ever again - I do not want to have to beg him for time with my son (I forsee he will withhold it if he feels I have not done what he wants) and to just see him when it suits exp and in his home!

ExP says he wants me to have DS1 for 50% of the nights, but given that he can't have DS2 overnight yet it isn't fair that I will get more nights with the kids overall if we do 50/50 for DS1 now. I think this is childish and I am so frustrated that he won't listen to me. Although we split last year, he has only announced this 'plan' when he found the new flat a couple of weeks ago.

I don't want to prevent contact (DS1 wants to see and stay with his dad) but how do I get exP to take on board what I am saying here? If I can't get him to listen he will be moving out with DS1 and most of DS1's belongings and furniture at the end of this week! I was very close to going to a refuge with DSs before we split, now I wish I had. Help!

Whereisegg Tue 18-Mar-14 19:05:05

Totally agree this is about money and that if you always have a child with you, you are unable to have an adult life away from him.

Good luck at the solicitors op, get onto a locksmiths too.

Hissy Tue 18-Mar-14 19:07:29

If he takes your ds, it will damage both your children.

Living with an abuser is shit, no matter what relationship you habve with them.

He is doing this for the money, that's for sure, and to get you to be where he wants you to be.

Don't allow this man to take control of your lives. Every other weekend for the pair of them if you really must.

The less time your dc spend with him, the better their lives will turn out.

Hissy Tue 18-Mar-14 20:16:31

Meant to say, by taking th benefits YOU are entitled to, he will further restrict your life AND he'll be able to call the shots with your DC too.

Boot him out of your lives as much as possible.

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