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I really don't know how to deal with this...

(41 Posts)
Shellywelly1973 Tue 18-Mar-14 04:00:58

Exdp & I split up in December. Been together 15 years. 4 dc. Baby is 6 weeks old. 2 ds , 5&9 have SNs. Dd is 12. Very limited contact with dc, his choice.

Exdp wants to try again. He came to visit last weekend. First time he's seen the baby, though I've emailed photos daily since she was born.

It was a difficult weekend for me. It was very strange.
I didn't feel comfortable at all. I feel sorry we've ended up where we are. I totally take responsibility for being a whinging demanding hormonal mad women leading to me asking him to leave.

He won't come to counselling. He doesn't see that he had any part to play in the relationship breaking down.

He's in a really bad way. I was really shocked by him . He's put on an enormous amount of weight. He's due to have major surgery in the next few months & needed to lose weight not put it on. He generally hasn't been looking after himself.

It's hideously hard being on my own. The boys are incredibly difficult. Ds9 is especially hard. I've no RL support. No family locally. Few friends. I have 2 grown up dc but they over an hour away& see them about once a month.

I'm already back at work. Only a few hours a day but as I'm self employed I need to earn. I've actually managed to reduce my cases but it also means less money. Exdp hasn't worked since we split.

He wants to come home. Everyone will be happier if he does - except me. It would make sense in every respect. I'm really worried about him. If he doesn't come home, he has nothing. No family & few friends. His mum died 6 months ago. He will need to be looked after when he gas the operation. It's life threatening, it's been cancelled once as there was no ICU bed available.

I know what most will advise but do i make my decision knowing i will be the only person to be happy with my decision?

My decision will effect 4 dc & someone I care about - WWYD?

Shellywelly1973 Tue 18-Mar-14 04:03:47

Sorry that was so long!

Atlastadragon Tue 18-Mar-14 04:11:28

No advice I'm afraid just wanted to reply as it's the middle of the night and you must be feeling lonely and awful right now x

Shellywelly1973 Tue 18-Mar-14 04:12:53

Thanks. Feeding the baby & my brain is in over drive!

temporarilyjerry Tue 18-Mar-14 04:19:29

Do you think you could work it out with counselling? If so, could you make it a condition of him returning home?

Atlastadragon Tue 18-Mar-14 04:37:45

You must be absolutely exhausted, and in the middle if the night you do go over and over things in your head.

WillieWaggledagger Tue 18-Mar-14 04:49:05

Your happiness is a big important factor, don't diminish it. I refuse to believe that "being a whinging demanding hormonal mad women leading to me asking him to leave" is the sole reason for the split. What were you demanding of him that he couldn't provide?

How have you felt since the split? It sounds as though despite the massive stress of late pregnancy and the birth of the baby, the practical difficulties of being on your own etc, you have actually preferred this to whatever was before?

The major points for me are:

- he has barely seen the children in three months. I could understand that it might be painful for him to see them knowing that he will have to say goodbye again, but that still suggests that (a) he is putting his own feelings above those of his children as presumably they miss him (b) he may be trying to punish you for taking the decision of him leaving, which is childish and again puts his hurt above the children's desire to have contact with him

- he has offered you no support with the baby nor the older children. And he wants to come home, but this behaviour suggests that he's not interested in pulling his weight or actually being a family

- he won't come to counselling, so he has no interest in working towards a better relationship. He doesn't want anything to change

- he's not earned anything since you split. Is he trying to punish you? He's really not interested in supporting the family, either practically or emotionally is he?

So I don't see how it would make sense at all for him to come home. I realise he might be depressed about the split which would make some of the above things more difficult to undertake, but if that's the case is he doing anything about it? Hard as it is, he really isn't demonstrating that he wants to be an active and supportive partner and father, just that he wants to come home so you can look after him too

Tbh I find the surgery and weight thing a red herring. It's a complication but not a deciding factor. He will need support afterwards, but so did you following the birth of your youngest and he hasn't been anywhere near for six weeks! Post surgery support does not have to be you nursing him back to health. What community services are available? You really are not able to look after him if he won't look after himself prior to the surgery either. You have four children including a young baby, you're working, it's not being cruel to him but I can't see where you would also have the capacity to care for him. It is not your responsibility, and I would view the fact that you would presumably taking care of the children full time as sufficient support in terms of enabling his recovery too

You had a baby six weeks ago and you are under an enormous amount of stress by the sounds of things. It sounds to me as though him coming home would not alleviate either the practical or emotional stresses, rather would make things worse given that he is by prepared to work on the relationship, and really it would be risking just not your happiness but your health too (I'm thinking PND risk)

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 18-Mar-14 04:59:31

I agree with Willie. An excellent post there. You are minimising your need for happiness and you need to look at the situation more dispassionately for perspective. He is a grown man and you are not responsible for his health and wellbeing. I am shocked by his seeming neglect of his family and I think asking to 'come home' as you call it is a convenience for him and him alone. Sorry you are going through this but his weight gain proves he is incapable of looking after himself let alone his family and sounds manipulative of you and your feelings.

CinnabarRed Tue 18-Mar-14 05:06:01

I agree with the two posters above. You would do best to focus your emotional energy on yourself, and finding RL support for yourself, than trying to prop up this man.

He is a grown man and you are not responsible for his health and wellbeing. I am shocked by his seeming neglect of his family and I think asking to 'come home' as you call it is a convenience for him and him alone

The neglect of his children is unforgivable in my eyes.

Chottie Tue 18-Mar-14 05:57:08

Just to say that I agree with Willie and Co x. For me the deciding factors are: he hasn't been to see the baby, he doesn't seem concerned how you are coping, I'm also wondering why he is no longer earning any money?

I am thinking, now he has surgery ahead, does he want to come home so you can look after him? I can't understand how he can neglect his 4 children either.

You have so much on your plate, please, please think very carefully before taking on more.

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 06:09:55

Having him around won't make your life easier, only harder. He should really take responsibility for his actions and his family or stay out.
It's not good that he has only now seen the baby. I hope he has been in contact with his other children, but I doubt it.

If he really wants to go home, I'd be taking slow baby steps. He'd have to have counselling and do a lot more for the children, and take care of himself.
When you consider who will be happy, I bet only he will be.
I don't think the children will be happy if you are not. Children are sensitive to the parents' moods. And I know he will divert your attention from them too. Particularly if he will be recovering from an operation.
Be realistic. If he hasn't been supportive in the past, he won't be now.

He knows he's vulnerable now, with the operation, and he just wants someone to look after him. Nothing else.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 18-Mar-14 07:54:35

Hi Shelly

If you flip your post around, even with all the stresses you say you were and are currently under with your new baby and other children, it was still best in your eyes to ask him to leave. It is obvious from your post that he was just another stress on your time money and mind.

I see nothing in his behaviour to enhance his status in your house hold, so see no benefit to you in his returning.
The benefits to him however seem to be huge, fed clothed looked after, while he sits back and relaxes.

He is an adult, he needs to act like one, someone somewhere has to let him start to do that, you seem unable still to allow him to so that. If he fails at this then he will learn, like toddlers when they learn how to walk.

Your not his mum, he has abandoned his kids, not worked, some one fed him well to gain weight, yet none of that money came your way. If you could just see the wood for the trees for a split second you would see what a mill stone he is around your neck, except it's your he will be grinding in to the ground.

Your probably tired and fed up of doing all this on your own, I think your amazing to have done all this so far with a new baby thanks but he will never and has probably never ever enhanced your life , he is one of life's leaches he will suck the life from you, he's already started, because he's finding it too hard to do it for himself.
If you cut him lose you will set yourself free, but that's a hard thing to do when your used to doing the right thing, do the right thing by you though lovey.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 18-Mar-14 08:06:19

"I know what most will advise but do i make my decision knowing i will be the only person to be happy with my decision? "

Yes. The only person who is going to look out for you in this life is you. If you always put your needs second place to others you will wind up on your death bed one day wondering what the hell point of it all was. Be considerate and compassionate by all means, but be top priority in your own life and let others do the same with theirs.

captainmummy Tue 18-Mar-14 08:10:08

It does look s though you will be an unpaid nurse/skivvy for him; if he can't look after himself, that doens't mean you have to do it! You have enough to do looking after the DC. He is a grown man, and if he put on weight before a life-threatening surgery, then that is his problem, not yours.

Agree iwth the others - he wants to come 'home' so that you can add him to your stresses, not to support you in any way!

Whocansay Tue 18-Mar-14 08:18:04

He is not your responsibility. His relationship with his children is not your responsibility. He wants to come home so you can look after him. Frankly, it sounds as if you have enough work without looking after this waster. He's a big boy and can sort himself out.

Shellywelly1973 Tue 18-Mar-14 09:44:06

Thanks for all the replies.

Exdp has been in Scotland since Christmas. He hasn't seen any of the dc as he hasn't been back to London.

Financially he is self employed so he picks & chooses his jobs.

The operation would be here in London & he doesn't have anyone else to stay with so he'd need to sort accommodation.

Dd12 misses her dad terribly. She lost her Nan only a few months ago so she's had a lot to deal with.

The boys are indifferent. As long as their routines stay the same, they really don't seem affected.

As for me, I see it as better then nothing.
It's sad but realistically I'm 40 & a mother of 6. 2 children with SNs. No social life. No opportunity for a social life or making friends.
I consider it a luxury to wash my hair.

Financially I've always been independent. I own my house. Bought it about 18 years ago. I've my own business but I won't be able to keep this pace up. I'm exhausted. I'm turning away work as I don't have the capacity to work in the evenings now.

I totally get I deserve happiness but we all deserve lots if things but what you actually get is often very different.

I don't know what to do & I can't think straight to make such an important decision.

AnyFucker Tue 18-Mar-14 09:51:05

What Willie said, with bells on

AnUnearthlyChild Tue 18-Mar-14 10:03:54

Get some counselling for you. Don't make such a big decision without getting your head straight.

If you take him back it seems to me you will just have 4 babies not 3.

Looking objectively from the outside, I can see it would be a got bet for you to reconsider and take him back if:
1. He had taken an interest in the kids, he might be in Scotland but he could have written, emailed phoned, skype. He dosent give a fuck.
2. Worked, earned money, put some aside for his children.
3. Looked after himself. How the hell could he help you care for three kids if he can't care for one adult.

At this point in his life he will be a bloody millstone to you. Tell him to go away, get the surgery, get well then do all three of the above. THEN and only then it might be worth joint counselling to explore wether it is worth getting together again.

Also, and this is said with utmost kindness, you might need to look into you have some kind of 'rescuer' thing going on. Don't take on this or any other basket cases till you know what is going on in your own head.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:06:04

I'm not sure how you think things will be better with him around tbh.

He wants to come back so he can have free accommodation, care, food, etc. That's all. I can't imagine him helping with the DC at all. You'll end up with another child to look after.

Don't be used in this way Shelley.

Is there any way you could take on someone to help, either an au pair to help with the DC or an assistant to help with your work? Then you could take on a bit more work and know that you have a right-hand person to support what you're doing. What I mean is that you need support for yourself, for the DC and for your work to continue. Would that help you manage better?

Shellywelly1973 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:19:33

I already pay for ds carer & a part time Nanny.
Just to point out I have 4 dc. Exdp is my second ever partner...

Exdp always paid his way when we were together

He has had contact with dd. The boys have never spoken to anyone on the phone.

I think, I'm thinking in much more basic terms then most of you!

Thanks for all the replies. It's good to have a different perspective.

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 10:25:14

As for coping without him, imagine he had died. You'd have to cope.

Gather as much support as you can, from charities, health authorities, school, etc
Would you afford an au pair, for example? Or someone to come and give you some respite?

Factor in maintenance he'll have to pay and all benefits.

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 10:25:47

ups, cross post, I left my post in half while I did something else.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:27:24

Putting aside the fact that he has ignored his children, not given you one ounce of support and he just wants a free home - you don't mention love at all. You don't sound like you even like him - and he clearly has no respect or kindness towards you. Why do you want him to come home. He doesn't help you parent, he pays nowt and he doesn't seem to give a stuff about anyone except himself.

Don't take him back because you think being on your own will be worse.

WillieWaggledagger Tue 18-Mar-14 10:32:13

i agree with whattodoforthebest2

you sound exhausted and i can't see how having him around will make things any easier for you. just having him there for one weekend was difficult, stressful and uncomfortable for you so how would it be better longterm? he is not alleviating any of the pressures on you, and caring for him pre- and post-surgery too will only make this 100 times worse

even if it comes down to money he's not going to be bringing anything anyway in whilst recovering from surgery if he's self-employed, so that burden will still fall on you but with an extra mouth to feed.

was he staying with someone in scotland? can they come and help him? really he needs to be organising this himself because you really don't have the capacity

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 18-Mar-14 10:33:15

So you've said that everyone else would be happier with him around, just not you.

So what would be better for you if he were back in your house?

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