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Really don't know what to do

(19 Posts)
Confusedintercity Tue 18-Mar-14 01:35:48

For the past 4 months I have been dating a lovely man. He is kind, handsome, charming, very funny. I love spending time with him and up until now I have really thought he could be 'the one'.

And this is where it all seems to go wrong.

About three years ago I worked in an office. It was quite a young crowd in the office and we used to go out a lot. One guy, we'll call him Paul became quite good friends with me. I bumped into him one night when I was out with a friend, who we'll call Sally, and the two of them hit it off and ended up dating a few times. Then it transpired that Paul already had a girlfriend, she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. Naturally, Sally stopped seeing him, Paul and the girlfriend hit the skids but continued to be together. I stopped being as friendly with Paul as I really didn't appreciate what he done to my friend and his girlfriend. It was all rather awkward but he soon after moved to another company as did I.

Soon after this some strange things started happening. First of all my facebook and hotmail were hacked into. I admit I was very lax with my security settings on both facebook and email so it would have been easy for someone to get into them. Some of my friends started getting rather rude emails from my hotmail account. About the same time my wee mum died so I had a lot on my mind. A few months later I started receiving mail in the post. Someone had signed up my address up to sex toy and gay magazines so it was basically junk mail with a sex theme. Around this time I started to get silent phone calls on my landline at night. I reported this to bt and I also went to the police as I thought they might all be connected. I also had a strange feeling that somehow Paul was behind all this. The police traced the calls and told me the last four digits of the mobile number and asked if I had any contacts with these numbers at the end. I got in contact with Paul and asked him if he knew anything about these incidents. He said no. As far as I knew him and his girlfriend were still sort of seeing each other (I think he was just using her at this point).

Anyway, the police then arrested the person behind the phone calls, and charged them. It was Paul's girlfriend. I was gobsmacked as I had never met her and could not think what I could possibly have done to deserve all this harassment. Anyway I went mental at Paul and have never spoke to him since.

So anyway. It turns out that the man I am now dating is the brother of Paul's girlfriend. She's married now with twins. I still haven't met her and my boyfriend doesn't know what she done. I honestly don't know what to do. She really scared me, those months were very worrying and creeped me right out. I don't know if I should end things with him, I just don't know how I can face her and don't know how my boyfriend would react to all this. Me and him have just booked a holiday and I'm already being a bit off with him, I know it's not his fault but I just want to run away from him despite the fact I really do like and care about him so much and I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me.

Any advice would be appreciated, I'm sorry this post is so long.

NurseyWursey Tue 18-Mar-14 01:40:40

Honestly, I wouldn't even let it bother you. If he's as nice as you say, he could be the person you fall in love with, is it worth it over her pettiness.. are you willing to let her ruin this too?

I can imagine she'd be ashamed of herself, and if not, I'm sure her brother/your boyfriend will be when you explain!

saffronwblue Tue 18-Mar-14 01:56:50

Gosh. I would be quite wary of this situation. Hopefully the sister has grown up and moved on but I would question if this is a family you want to get involved with. Does she know that her brother is seeing you? It seems even more unhinged that you were only at the edge of the situation and she targeted you.
If the relationship feels as if it is potentially serious I would actually tell your bf. just in very non emotive terms that your path has crossed with his sister before. Unfortunately the family may have been told a different version of events with her as the victim.

Confusedintercity Tue 18-Mar-14 02:00:27

I don't know if she knows I am seeing him. She may know that he is seeing someone but not that it's me iykwim. It really did unnerve me all that business and it took a while to get it out my system. I can't believe of all the men in the world, I have to meet the brother of my ex stalker!

innisglas Tue 18-Mar-14 04:40:25

Uuf, sounds like a conversation you are going to have to have.

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Mar-14 04:48:29

shock what a story!!

Poor you OP. But if I were you, Id tell him. The 2 of you talking about it could result in some strategy for dealing with coming across her one day. It very possibly won't be a big issue unless you feel like making it one. You & your man are adults its not as if you'll be required to see or hook up with his sister regularly. Added to that you won't want to meet or visit her anyway, so you do have to tell him. For all you know he could be aware of some of his sister's odd ways. & anyway - do keep in mind that you did nothing wrong.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 18-Mar-14 04:51:34

From you original post it seems hard to understand why she targeted you rather than your friend 'Sally', that had the relationship with 'Paul'. Is there more to it? Do you know why she targeted you? If you don't know and you are serious about this man, it might be worth asking her why. I could not live with the mystery of why she went to a lot of effort and to put herself at risk of prosecution to target you and not 'Sally'. Maybe she did it on behalf of 'Paul'. Is that what you think?

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 07:02:55

Yes, you need to talk to him about it.

Whocansay Tue 18-Mar-14 08:24:33

Personally, I'd run like fuck as they all sound crazy. You could be being set up here. This is a HUGE coincidence. I certainly wouldn't be going on holiday with him. You are making yourself incredibly vulnerable here. Be very careful.

Confusedintercity Tue 18-Mar-14 10:02:40

I don't know why she targeted me, the only reason I can think of is that I was Sally's friend and if it weren't for the fact that I was his friend too he wouldn't have cheated on her with Sally.

I honestly don't think I am being set up. It is a huge coincidence but that's all it is. I just feel extremely awkward about the whole thing.

QueenofallIsee Tue 18-Mar-14 10:05:09

You must tell your BF straight away and make clear that this will be very hard to get past - he needs to know that you expect him to make it as easy as possible and handle his sister up front

Confusedintercity Tue 18-Mar-14 10:13:47

Queen you are right of course, I do need to talk to him about this. Part of me is worried that me bringing it out in the open is going to cause all sorts of trouble, she's married with kids now. Part of me is also worried that I spark her off again. I get why people are asking me why I was targeted, what did I do. The police were like that too, they said 'you must have done SOMETHING'. I really didn't, that's why the whole thing creeped me out. I honestly think it might just be best to slink away and forget about my boyfriend but I will be heartbroken.

lucycoco Tue 18-Mar-14 16:13:02

Oh confused, what a hard situation for you!

I think it would be very sad if you slunk (slinked?) away, always left wondering how it might have turned out. Who knows - if you were honest with him, it might surprise you how it turns out.

Has he said much about his family? Are they close?

LavenderGreen14 Tue 18-Mar-14 16:42:03

blimey - what a situation.

I agree with others, you need to talk to him, and also you need to do it now. Otherwise he may turn round and say why didn't you tell me sooner, etc. And if it is going to end because of this (I hope it doesn't) surely doing it sooner protects yourself more?

Confusedintercity Tue 18-Mar-14 17:00:52

Thank you for your posts. We have arranged to go for a meal tonight so I am going to talk to him about it - I know I need to.

I have spent a lot of time today pondering over all this. I would be interested to listen to his sister if she wanted to talk. My ex friend Paul was a complete rat to both her and my friend and she had lost a baby so I can only assume that she was in turmoil over everything that had happened. I can only imagine she probably tried to get at my friend but somehow I was an easier target because I was so lax with my security, I don't know.

Anyway I will report back

MistressDeeCee Tue 18-Mar-14 17:02:23

OP what is the actual point of 2nd guessing all this? Just tell your partner and see what his reaction is. Its not as if they all still live with mum & his sis will be around when you visit him. He could have a good idea of what she's like anyway. Also now she's married with DCs she probably won't want all this raked up again, it won't put her in a favourable light at all will it? I wouldn't necessarily end relationship just because of her idiocy, although I can understand its an awkward situation. Why should what she did in the past dictate your life now? But tell him, then you'll know where you stand.

saffronwblue Wed 19-Mar-14 00:23:28

I hope the conversation went well op.

GibbsIsMine Wed 19-Mar-14 01:54:43

I hope it all went well for you too op.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 19-Mar-14 04:32:03

Blimey what a tricky one.

So you know what happened when she was charged? Did it go to court?

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