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Worried that I dont feel butterflies in my tummy

(23 Posts)
LittleDonkeyKong Mon 17-Mar-14 20:03:00

Been seeing my new fella for 6 weeks. I really enjoy spending time with him and we seem to have lots in common. The sex is great and he seems to be a genuine good guy. I do fancy him and really like him but I'm not sure how I should be feeling at this early point of a relationship, I don't think I love him but who and when do you decide that you love someone???

With my STBXH I had strong feelings of lust from the start and got extreme butterflies etc when I was going to be seeing him. I was 23 when I met him with no kids.

I'm now 30 with 2 very small children so I'm just wondering if the lack of lust is due to the fact that we don't actually get to spend a lot of time just the 2 of us. I'm thinking that this is the start of a "mature" relationship which is built more on mutual interests and enjoying each others company more than the whole butterflies thing.

Lweji Mon 17-Mar-14 20:19:20

It is often said that the butterflies is your body warning you against this person. And he's an ex...

It is also too early to tell if you love this man. Give it time.

innisglas Tue 18-Mar-14 04:47:56

Give it time and while you give it time think about what you need from a relationship and is he the person who can provide that.

Romantic love wears off after a while and then you find out if it is real love

lesbican Tue 18-Mar-14 13:11:33

6 weeks isn't a very long time. Do you not get any nerves or excitement at all?

I was a wreck when I first met my partner. I believe it was love at first sight.

HelloBoys Tue 18-Mar-14 13:20:07

Lweji - off topic but is butterflies REALLY your body's way off warning you off a person?

I felt strong ones on 2nd date (1st proper one) with ex but it was more fight/flight anxious ones. If I could've run away I would've done. Yet we had amazing chemistry. what gives?


OiVaVoi Tue 18-Mar-14 13:23:14

Yes I too wonder about the butterflies being an evolutionary tactic to warn us off...

In my experience the ones that being with fireworks often die out sooner than the slower burner type ones.

Jan45 Tue 18-Mar-14 13:30:15

Butterflies for me always signified my lust for the other person, never heard of them being a warning, doesn't sound right.

If you fancy him and like him, that's enough surely, perhaps the butterflies will come later?

HelloBoys Tue 18-Mar-14 13:37:57

OiVaVoi - just replying to you (not meaning to hijack this thread!) maybe it is evolutionary.

I mean I didn't fancy this guy - there was more nervous energy but turned out to be amazing chemistry, sex etc - and v good chemistry with previous boyfriend.

Both ok on paper but not really long-term boyfriend material.

pillowhogger Tue 18-Mar-14 13:47:55

Out of interest, what is long term boyfriend potential?

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Mar-14 14:06:29

this is an interesting thread. I have been seeing my bloke for around 8 weeks now and have been asking myself the same questions...

With XH it was love/lust at first sight and we spent nearly every night together. But now, I am 42 not 30, and have a 5yo DD so things are a bit different.

In the first few weeks, I varied between butterflies and thinking WTF am I doing?! I varied between thinking he was cute and funny and thinking that he was really annoying.... Now it has settled into something more normal. I look forward to seeing him, I miss him when he's not there sometimes and there is a strong sense of attraction between us so the sex is great.

We get on well, but are also aware that we do have a lot of differences. We talk a lot and are very honest with each other.

I have been wondering the same thing as you ... it is too soon to say I love him. i still don't know him properly after 8 weeks together. I don't want to get hurt again. i like him a lot, but something holds me back from hurtling too deep into something....

I suppose the more that you see somebody, the more that you become part of their life and the more you care about them, I suppose at some point, you realise that you love that person?......

HelloBoys Tue 18-Mar-14 16:11:19

pillowhogger - long-term boyfriend material means exactly that, eg no idiots, disappearing acts (one boyfriend was like that), no emotionally confused etc like the previous one who WAS long-term boyfriend material.

so basically anything to me which means no, now, I wouldn't touch them with bargepole again but would've been happy to consider before. make sense?! smile

HelloBoys Tue 18-Mar-14 16:13:42

skyeskye - after my brush with very rushed and intimate ex boyfriend I'd say if your spidey senses or anything else say to go slow then do it, just that.

Don't feel pressured into anything more ESPECIALLY with kids and your history. If he is any sort of decent man he'll respect that.

I sort of feel now like I've been bashed about like a whirlwind by ex after 3 months dating him and I so WISH I'd thought more about it and not rushed headlong! Spidey senses are all good! smile

HelloBoys Tue 18-Mar-14 16:15:20

oh pillow sorry - I sort of meant - long term boyfriend material is someone you can imagine living with, marrying (if you both want that) etc. or dating long term and being happy.

any niggles or doubts are what I'd call red flags and not LTBM (abbreviation!). smile

JaceyBee Tue 18-Mar-14 16:19:01

You say you don't get to spend much time with just the two of you, is that because your dcs are around too?

Because if so I would say it was waaaay to soon for him to have met them after just 6 weeks together, you hardly know someone after this amount of time, let alone love them.

LittleDonkeyKong Tue 18-Mar-14 17:20:26

I did wonder about the butterflies having something to do with the bodies flight or fight reaction. He has met my children my baby is only 6 months old so she doesn't really have a clue bless her and my DD is 3 and a half but she just knows his name and we go dog walking together and he comes round for brews. We don't even hold hands in front of her. If I was to meet a male or female friend there wouldn't be a problem introducing them to my children and doing day to day things would there?

LittleDonkeyKong Tue 18-Mar-14 17:23:11

lesbican I never feel nervous when I see him but when I know he's coming over I just feel well kinda nice lol

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Mar-14 18:51:00

littledonkey I wasn't going to introduce Mr X until I was certain it was going somewhere but in reality it makes life very difficult. He has now met DD several times. She thinks he is my friend. He comes round for tea once a week. We walk his dogs. Like you we are not affectionate with each other in front of her. She is not attached to him, just thinks he is my friend.

BOFtastic Tue 18-Mar-14 18:54:27

Everyone is different- just don't mistake Irritable Bowel Syndrome for love...

skyeskyeskye Tue 18-Mar-14 19:04:54

grin at BOF

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 19:07:39

is butterflies REALLY your body's way off warning you off a person?

I don't know, really, but I have seen it mentioned as a possible red flag on MN.

I suppose it may depend on whether it is good butterflies, as in a warm feeling, or more like when we are worried.

Lweji Tue 18-Mar-14 19:08:31

I think meeting people as friends works well. Introducing as a partner is different.

louby44 Tue 18-Mar-14 21:47:26

When I met my now exP there was definite butterflies...for a long time. It developed very quickly into a sexual/romantic/passionate relationship. The sex was brilliant - bloody miss it! Whenever I kissed him my tummy would do a 'flip-flop'. I truly loved him very deeply - he didn't think I did!

I can't remember how I felt with my exH, it's so long ago (26 yrs) but neither relationship was meant to be.

I shall see what the next relationship brings....

galaxy81 Wed 19-Mar-14 08:45:20

I had butterflies for my ex immediately when I met him...I thought it was love at first sight and we were meant for eachother. I thought he was the most gorgeous man I'd ever seen. However, while we had our good times (in bed mostly) he turned out to have addiction issues, was emotionally turbulent, jealous and terrible in terms of long-term potential. When I first met my partner now, who I have been with for just over 2 years, he was a an acquaintance and I never saw him in "that" way. One day out of the blue he asked me out and I agreed, because he seemed like a nice guy. On our date I thought - "nice guy, but not my type". Then a friend suggested I go on a second date with him, and a 2nd turned into a 3rd and a 4th and the more I got to know him the more amazing a person I realised he was. While initially I thought his looks/style weren't what I'd usually go for, I found him increasingly attractive and continue to adore him to this day. He's intelligent, funny, kind, conscientious and we have a great time together. I still don't get "butterflies" as such, but I love him, he makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, we have a great physical relationship and I never want to be with anyone else.

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