Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why does he do this?

(14 Posts)
jayho Mon 17-Mar-14 18:45:16

Not the classic Bundy but can you give me some insight?

I left financially, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive ex 3.5 years ago. We are divorced, all matters dealt with and resolved.

He continues to try and harm me - social service allegations etc. Everytime he comes to an impasse he tries a new tack, our children are suffering.

Twice in the last week I've been asked ,why do you think he's doing this?'

My 'because he wants to destroy me' response seems a bit dramatic.

Why is it oh wise mumsnetters?

KidsDontThinkImCool Mon 17-Mar-14 18:51:32

Someone recommended a book to me on Amazon recently, I'll see if I can find it.

hamptoncourt Mon 17-Mar-14 18:53:47

Power
Control
Basically he has ishoos and cannot accept the fact you have escaped his evil clutches. I am sure you are minimising contact but is there anything else you can do to protect yourself and the DC? Can you move further away?
I wouldn't waste too much time trying to psychoanalyze the fucker. He is vair vair odd and you have done extremely well to get rid.
Keep your distance. Stay safe.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Mar-14 18:54:42

He's never let go of needing to abuse you, not even now. And he wants revenge. You got away, so you have to be punished.

KidsDontThinkImCool Mon 17-Mar-14 19:01:34

I think it was called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft

Clutterbugsmum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:07:46

Because you got away from him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Mon 17-Mar-14 19:10:25

Because you escaped, but most now be brought back into line. Any remaining link between the two of you will be exploited by him to try and control you.

If you're looking for a non-dramatic answer to tell outsiders, you could use : "Because he wants to regain control."

jayho Mon 17-Mar-14 19:15:41

Fuck, hoped would get 'well, he'll get better' type responses.

He won't will he? He's been in a new relationship for two years and it hasn't diminished sad

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 19:21:23

I have also found that Ex has 'upped' his game. I find that the best response is none. If I don't fuel his and OWs antics by reacting, the fire goes out sooner.
I have a separate mobile number and email address for him. I only switch the mobile on when the children are in his care. I read the first line of any email when I have someone with me and if the tone is hostile, I delete straight away.
I too hope that this will all end someday soon.

jayho Mon 17-Mar-14 19:37:46

wish he'd put the effort into getting a bloody job so he could support his kids....

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 19:48:53

Mine has a job and still doesn't support them. It's just another way to try and control in his case.

chateauferret Mon 17-Mar-14 21:11:59

Because he is pond scum. It's his nature.

KidsDontThinkImCool Mon 17-Mar-14 21:51:46

I'm sorry jayho, it is really shit. On good days you will think, 'well thank fuck i'm no longer with the bastard.' on bad days it will still get to you. I started a similar thread a while back where I got some really good advice. Sorry, I tried to find it to link but I think it may be gone. But basically:

You are not responsible for his behavior towards you

Nothing you do will stop him being an abusive person. He will always try to threaten and control…don’t give him anything to push against

Hi Anger and his Agression are His Problem. Nothing you can do will change it.

Try and stay strong. Set good boundaries for yourself. Minimise contact as much as humanly possible. And when all else fails, have a drink! ;)

jayho Tue 18-Mar-14 21:29:30

thanks kids smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now