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DD, counselling and unhappy ExH

(135 Posts)
FushandChups Mon 17-Mar-14 16:45:22

Since my separation early last year, DD has been coping less and less and following the recent implementation of 50/50 care, seems to have got worse. I decided that i can't bear to see her so unhappy and after speaking with her teacher who has also seen a change, arranged to see the school nurse. This is to get some advice and ultimately, i would like to use this as a way to access some counselling for her. She is in reception.

H is absolutely adamant that this must not happen. He doesn't want me speaking to the nurse and if i do, she's not allowed to speak to anyone else. DD can talk to him (as its obviously me making her sad because she's fine when she's with him) but no way is she to talk to anyone else.

In brief, he doesn't want her labelled and no matter what i say about there being no possibility of her being labelled, it can only help her, she needs to talk to someone that is completely separate from the situation, he is stating it is not happening.

I don't know what to do other than just plough on as she is really hurting and i don't think me or him is enough for her at the moment. She needs some extra help in coping with what has happened but he is obsessed with this label issue.

He is her father so obviously has every right to say no but on this occasion, i think he is not looking at the big picture. I want DD to be happy with herself and her situation and think this could be a hugely helpful step.

Has anyone been through this with their DC post separation? Did it help them? Or should i just carry on, watching my DD just get sadder and sadder?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 17-Mar-14 16:49:28

He's thinking of himself not her.

Which is a huge red flag waving right under the nose of '50/50' care, isn't it?

Is it court ordered? Because if not I'd be stopping it right now.

He may love her, but him saying all this shows that he doesn't really have her best interests at heart - only his own.

If it's clear that 50/50 isn't working - change it.

And yes, speak to the nurse, and your HV, and your GP, and document the fact that a. your DD has got less happy since 50/50 was implemented and b that your H is trying to prevent you getting help for her.

You may come to be very thankful that you did this documenting.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 16:57:21

What ? Your dd's father is attempting to block some help for her ? Ignore him, and do what you think is best. What is he frightened of exactly ? I think it's less about "labelling" and more what he thinks she may say about him.

dogsnfrogs Mon 17-Mar-14 17:15:55

^ ^
What Bruno & AF say.

What would she be labelled with, other than being unhappy after her mum & dad have split up?

This seems to be much more about his fear of what she might say about him.

Please go with your instinct and get professional help for her as soon as possible. And stop the 50/50 care if you can.

Twitterqueen Mon 17-Mar-14 17:24:11

Huge red flag here:
"DD can talk to him (as its obviously me making her sad because she's fine when she's with him)"

How do you know this? Is this what your DD has said or exH? Perhaps it might be that your DD feels she can only be herself with you and has to put up a front with exH?

This sounds to me like you are blaming yourself OP, whereas it is your exH who doesn't want to take proper responsibility for the welfare of DD.

Please don't beat yourself up. Trust your instincts and do what you feel is right.

fifi669 Mon 17-Mar-14 17:34:53

Don't stop the 50/50 care, you've already made that step and it's a fair one.

However, DD isn't coping well with a split family and so outside help could be useful. Children will adapt, some take longer and some need a nudge but she'll be alright in the end.

I think your ex is panicking that you're trying to stop the contact he has and that's why he's acting negatively, saying DD is fine with him etc.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 17:36:27

I think there's something he's frightened she's going to tell the counsellor about him. Agree with everyone else that you should go ahead and argue the toss later.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Mar-14 17:53:54

Some men are terrified of talk, particularly what women might say about them when they're not there. What might his daughter say to a woman he doesn't know and he's not there to control the situation. Ho hum.

Your daughter is very young, and may be she's too young for 50:50 custody not to be unsettling.

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 17:56:12

Hang on, I think his response is a valid one.

It has been suggested by the school that my DD would benefit from seeing the school nurse for similar reasons and I am loath to let this happen as I think she could be labelled negatively by the school as a consequence.

I also think there are a lot of bad counsellors out there.

The term 'school nurse' also rings alarm bells for me as I imagine them to be a bit like health visitors who in my experience are pretty useless.

I have not said a definite no, but am very, very wary of the whole thing.

People saying 'ignore him' are being ridiculous and you riding rough shod over his feelings is not in your DDs best interests.

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 17:57:44

Bruno you sound like a terrible scaremonger.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 18:05:42

You would deny this young girl some help in processing the end of her parents marriage, Qix ?

I think you are the one scaremongering to imply she could be damaged further by the very people that have been professionally trained to guide families in dealing with emotional upset

Yes, these days "school nurses" are the school age equivalent of HV's. What of it ?

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 18:10:52

I don't know the OPs DD, so I don't know if I would think it better in her case for her to see the school nurse.

I am saying that the husbands opinion is a valid one and I am shocked at everybody saying that he should be ignored. That's no way to co parent.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Mar-14 18:14:11

Of course he should be ignored. The child needs some extra support. He wants to deny her it to protect himself.

That is no way to "parent" at all !

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 18:18:56

Trust your instincts OP. My Ex also hit the roof when the school suggested extra help for the children. I pushed ahead and am glad that I did because getting that outside help uncovered some horrible stuff and I was able to take steps to protect my kids.
You have an unhappy little girl who is being treated like a possession to be divided up by at least one of her parents.
Be her voice and get her the help that she needs.

Peacesword Mon 17-Mar-14 18:19:51

My dd really struggled when xh moved his gf and her family into what was the family home within a matter of weeks. She suddenly had to share time with her Dad (which had stopped as the new family were the priority for him), share her bedroom (which she was then told wasn't her room anymore she was a visitor) and loads of other nasty stuff from stepmum.

She was so unhappy that she told me she wanted to run in front of a car sad. I encouraged her to speak to the school's "listening ear" and she found it really helpful. She was Y5 then, your dd is younger so I think if dd had been that age I would definitely had talked to the school pastoral care worker.

It is really awful to have your child go through this, so you have my sympathy.

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 18:22:18

He wants to deny her it to protect himself

WTF?! Where do you get that from?

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 18:24:14

Monet who is treating her as a possession? What on earth makes you say that?

Handywoman Mon 17-Mar-14 18:24:35

To me it sounds like 50/50 is not in dd's best interest. Her life has been split down the middle - that's a lot to handle. Don't think my youngest could deal with that and she's 9. I think the first port of call should be making it 2 nights a week and see if this helps her.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Mar-14 18:25:24

after speaking with her teacher who has also seen a change, arranged to see the school nurse. This is to get some advice and ultimately, i would like to use this as a way to access some counselling for her

This is what the OP actually said ^^ There is no implication that her daughter will be seeing the nurse for counselling, but that the OP is going for advice and to access counselling from there.

The OP would have total control over who her daughter sees and can make sure to find someone good.

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 18:28:37

Just because the child is going through a big change in her life, so it would be normal for her to be less happy for a while. I don't think you can say that is evidence that 50/50 isn't working without a heck of a lot more infomation!

Handywoman Mon 17-Mar-14 18:31:51

Well Qix I think getting more stability in the dd's life is an obvious start. To me, anyway.

Qix Mon 17-Mar-14 18:32:57

Yes. And that would mean keeping custody arrangements as they are for a while to allow things to settle down.

Peacesword Mon 17-Mar-14 18:33:19

If your child is unhappy and the school have noticed a change in them and are suggesting what might help why wouldn't you want to get to the bottom of it?

Twinklestein Mon 17-Mar-14 18:34:50

The OP didn't say her daughter was less happy, she said she was 'coping less and less' with the 50:50 care, and her teacher has also noticed the change.

That is a problem. So the solution is to change the care arrangements for the foreseeable future to let her daughter find her feet again.

Monetbyhimself Mon 17-Mar-14 18:36:40

Any parent who insists on a 50/50 split when the child us clearly not happy is very much treating that child as 'their' possession. Something that they must have at least half of. It's not that difficult a concept to grasp.

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