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Controlling partner, verbal abuse

(37 Posts)
Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 14:53:34

Firstly please let me apologise for this extremely long winded post and I hope you manage to stay awake: /
My partner and I have been together for 8 years and have a 10 month old son. My partner has always had anger issues but nothing quite as bad as they are now.
He owns his own company and is very ambitious. I have never really had a job that pays well. The house we live in is owned by him so he pays the mortgage however I have always paid the household bills.
He has always stated that I don�t contribute to the house and that I am not a real women because I don�t put any input into the look of the house which has never been true. This is an argument that he will never let drop
I went on maternity leave to have my son in April last year. We came up with an agreement that if I help with the admin for his business that he would contribute, what would be the missing part of my salary to the bills. The bills being Council tax, Electricity, Internet, Telephone (This is used for his company) Water, TV licence this was before food shopping, my car payments, mobile and my credit card. When it came to him paying me there would be an excuse like I didn�t invoice correctly or small things so he wouldn�t pay me. My maternity was the standard �136 per week so needless to say I got myself into a financial pickle. It took a court letter for him to actually acknowledge the o/s council tax although I had literally begged him for the money and when he did actually realise we could be in trouble he actually blamed me for burying my head in the sand.
Fast forward to the end of my maternity leave and I have come back to work, part time, albeit at the disapproval of my partner as he tells me that my job is shit and by me going back to work his company will lose money. Although my salary will never set the world alight it does cover the household bills and my son�s childcare.
Prior to coming back to work our contract ended on our previous car and was time to look at something new, something suitable for a family. I had always stated that it would be more practical to look for something cheaper however my partner being the person he is, doesn�t do cheap. We agreed (My stupid naivety I know) that we take the car in my name on the credit agreement however he would pay the deposit and the monthly payments. I paid the deposit on my cc and he would give it me back! So the delivery of a new expensive car arrived and to date I haven�t received a penny from him and my first d/d of over �350 will come out of my bank next week. This is on top of my bills and childcare and of course we have just received our extremely high council tax bill for this the next year just to make things more worrying. If I express my deep concern over the bills he just says that it�s my fault because I should help him get the payments in from his customers and if I wasn�t such a mong we wouldn�t have to worry about car payments and childcare.
This is just the financial control he has over me.
He hasn�t spoken to me properly for a couple of weeks now because I didn�t fill out some staff time sheets properly for him. This just escalated into a barrage of verbal abuse but this time it is worse than ever. He got so angry with me that he smashed a mirror in the bedroom thankfully my son was at nursery. He stomped around the house pulling up every little fault. I don�t clean properly, the house is filthy and I am a scrubber. He loves to think that I lie in bed all day when I�m not in work but I can honestly say I haven�t done this since before my son was born. I clean the house every day when I�m off including doing all the washing and making sure there is a hot meal ready for him every night. He doesn�t do any of the household chores and I can only ever recall one time when he cooked me a meal. He even tells me that I�m a bad mother I do my very best for my son. Although he intermittently is hands on, he has never looked after him on his own for longer than a couple of hours and he never got up in the night with him. He went to sleep in another room because had to get up for work.
Yesterday he called me a farm animal and said that he hates me and he is sick of carrying me and wiping my ass. He said I am a moaning bitch and it�s my fault that he is stressed. The strange thing in when he is screaming these things at me it�s like he is describing himself. He even sent me a text message this morning saying that he can�t take my abuse anymore!! I can honestly say I have never ever caused an argument with him once if anything I have tried to keep the peace.
I have realised that this isn�t an environment that I want my son to grow up. It scares me the damage this may cause him with the constant shouting and bad atmosphere. I am under no illusion that this man can love me and it will get better. I want to leave right now but I don�t even know where to begin. I have no close family near and going to stay with them is not an option but I have nowhere to go. My financial situation is so poor right now, I am stuck with a car that has no reflection on my salary and to which I am probably going to struggle to pay for. I just don�t know where to turn. Is there any help out there that I can get or support? Although I don�t expect to be carried and I have always paid my way in life I feel I am going to struggle immensely if I have to get my own place.
Sorry I just had to let off steam 
Thank you in advance for any shared similar experiences or advice

LavenderGreen14 Mon 17-Mar-14 15:01:25

contact Woman's Aid - he is financially and verbally abusive. Can you return the car I wonder. And after you have left him you can make him pay child maintenance, and with Working and Child tax credits I am sure you will be better off.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 17-Mar-14 15:10:39

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 can help you here get free of this abuser.

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 15:13:37

Thank you guys smile

No Unfortunately I cant return the car, I have signed a 2 year agreement sad

Dahlen Mon 17-Mar-14 15:17:58

Your P is a bastard who is shamelessly manipulating and abusing you and feels no love nor respect towards you.

I'm so, so sorry to be so blunt about this but you need to understand that and you need to leave.

Unfortunately, as you're not married and have no proof of contribution to mortgage, I don't think you'll be able to walk away from this with anything other than your self-respect and your son, although please check that out for yourself and don't just take my word for it.

HOwever, assuming that's case, in your shoes I would try to cancel/end as many bills in your name as possible. I would transfer over responsibility of what is left, as much as possible, to your P. I would cancel all the direct debits/bills in your name. I would do this without his knowledge until you can no longer keep it a secret. I would be ready to leave before that point. In the meantime I would make copies of all relevant paperwork, gather up birth certificates, passports, etc and keep them in a safe place away from the home.

Then I would leave. Away from this man you will be eligible for housing and an income you have control over. Even help with childcare. All without some nasty piece of work breathing down your neck, criticising you and undermining you at every opportunity. You will be free to build the wonderful life you and your DS deserve.

Please call Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse service (if you don't know it, try the links page on your local constabulary's website).

Dahlen Mon 17-Mar-14 15:19:57

RE the car: there will be a cancellation period in the agreement, although you may well lose the deposit. If you can suffer the embarrassment, you may find that telling the truth about your situation and explaining you were coerced into the agreement by your P, may result in them cancelling the agreement if it's only just past it's cancellation period.

irrationalme Mon 17-Mar-14 15:21:09

is it a limited company he owns, if so you can google company check and look to see what money he has.

That said, get out; if you have nothing, it will be a small price to pay to be free of this vile and disgusting man.

You can do it; after all what could be worse than living with him

LavenderGreen14 Mon 17-Mar-14 15:21:32

good point about the car - yep, speak to the garage and throw yourself on their mercy. Cancel any direct debits today to stop any money being taken or any charges being incurred.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Mar-14 15:24:43

As others have said - first call is to Womens Aid.
Then CAB
Then CSA
You will need to start gathering proof of his earnings.
Make sure you get all paperwork in a safe place, i.e passports, birth certificates and other stuff like that.
This is terrible abuse and it will only escalate.
WA will help you get out safely.
You will certainly be financially better off away from him.
You alreay know this is damaging for your DC so you both need to get away as quickly and safely as possible.
I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 15:29:30

Another one suggesting you contact Womens Aid because I actually think you need refuge as a stepping stone to a new, independent life. Unfortunately, because you're not married and because he sounds like a complete shit, I don't think you should be too optimistic about getting your money back out of the house. But good luck

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 15:58:29

Thank you for your advice. No I knew I wouldnt get anything out of the house but didnt really expect anything either.
I also believe he is highly secretive with his money and I will never know what he actually earns. Its all rather confusing because although he owns the company he claims he pays himself a salary so I know it seems on paper he earns much less than I think he actually does. He also owns more than one house so he is most certainly a lot more flush than I am. And last week when we were arguing I told me that he wouldnt have to pay CS because he doesnt earn enough wink wink!! I really do believe he will get out of paying what he can and also a huge part of his sick personality is that he enjoys watching me suffer so he would happily see me on my ass. In a rage last month he went and switched off the electricity and locked the cupboard so I couldnt switch it back on then went out and left me in the darkness because he got such a pleasure out of it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 16:08:24

Of course he'd get a sick pleasure out of seeing his child and their mother reduced to begging on street corners. We already know he's a controlling wanker. Goes with the territory

So when you plan your fresh start, go through the usual channels, get the legal advice, go for the cash and see how far you get. But, at the same time, make your goal to be self-reliant and self-sufficient. It's a cliché but, in his case, the best revenge really will be to get on perfectly well without him. Emasculate the nasty little shit.

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 16:19:06

Thanks Cogito. I do believe you are right and the very thought of me being able to survive without him would be like throwing holy water on a vampire. He cant stand to be out of control thats why he goes through staff like a callcentre.

Atbeckandcall Mon 17-Mar-14 16:24:16

He's a piece of shit. Sorry to be blunt but I think you already know this. Scrape together as many pennies as you can, along with all of your vital paperwork.
You're absolutely right, you can't allow your child to be brought up in this kind of environment.
I do want to ask, if I may, why you can stay with your family? Can you at least talk to them about your situation?
Or do you have any good friends hat would help you?
Don't vanish from us because you'll have a million things whirling round your mind and we can help put them in a bit of order so you don't feel too overwhelmed.
You've taken the first major step by speaking out, well done x

scornedwoman67 Mon 17-Mar-14 16:38:18

if you occasionally do work for the company, try to get copies of the accounts etc before you leave. Any correspondence with his accountant's etc. He will try to minimise his income for the CSA & it will be beneficial if you have proof up your sleeve that he has lied to them. I wish you loads of luck. Keep us posted x

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 16:55:23

Thanks again guys

Atbeck - You are absoultely right he is a piece of shit.
Unfortunately I cant stay with my family because they dont have the room. They live in a one bed flat plus its too far to commute for work everyday sad I have just a handful of very close friends but with having a baby I couldnt stay with them as they bar one are child free and dont have the room.
As he tells me so many times he cant stand me, I bloody well wish he would do soemthing about it and piss of to his mothers for a few days so I can sort my life out without him breathing down my neck

dogsnfrogs Mon 17-Mar-14 17:04:30

He's clearly been making sure that all the assets are in his name, and as many liabilities as possible are in yours - and making the history appear as if you have not contributed to the household, while buying yourself a flash car! What a wanker!

I left my exP last week after 9 years of escalating financial, emotional & verbal abuse. It was incredibly difficult to do because the bullying stepped up a level every time I tried to assert myself.

Please do take the good advice from the wise women of MN. They gave me the courage to act. Plan it carefully so that you can get all the evidence together that you possibly can, and talk to Women's Aid as soon as possible. Then get away and never look back. Don't let your DS grow up thinking this is how men treat women.

Sending you strength and a hand to hold.

Papaluigi Mon 17-Mar-14 17:28:28

He sounds like a shitty, nasty, controlling, bullying wanker. LTB, and be happy without him. I can promise that in the short term it will very hard, but longer / medium term you & the kid will undoubtedly be much much happier. Bollocks to him and his stinking cash and dodgy moral code. Good luck and sending you strength

scornedwoman67 Mon 17-Mar-14 18:27:31

Another thing that just occurred to your local Police & tell them you are being financially & emotionally abused. It can be sometimes proved that financial agreements have been signed under duress and are invalid. The police should put you in touch with the local Family Justice Unit who will be able to help you with legal advice in this respect. Remember knowledge is power. Arm yourself with as much info and advice as you can before he twigs what you're doing. You're doing brilliantly x

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 18:51:59

Wow I am really overwhelmed by all your support and words of experience and advice. Thanks smile
Dogsnfrogs - well done you for making that move smile it's very inspirational.
It's very strange because a while ago when we would argue and him say bad things to me I would literally break. He wouldn't speak to me for days and weeks at a time and wouldn't be able to sleep or eat but now although I literally am so angry at him and so desperately want to hit hi. With a rolling pin, I don't feel that weakness anymore so leaving might not be as emotionally bad I think. It's justs the practical/financial obstacles that I need to overcome now .

scornedwoman67 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:05:31

well done sue
we're all here for you flowers

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:19:55

Hi all, I tried to take your advice and start trying to gather as much info as I can. The slimy worm has taken his laptop with him today. I think this is so I don't transfer any funds into my account from his.

Charley50 Mon 17-Mar-14 19:35:18

Hey KurlySue I just wanted to say good luck. It really sounds like you are ready to leave this horrible horrible fucking vile man. You might have a hard few weeks or months ahead but years of happiness without him.

paxtecum Mon 17-Mar-14 19:44:03

Sue: Some good advice on here.

The only thing I can add, is if you think he is not putting all the payments to the company through books, ie, getting cash payments, the Inland Revenue and the VAT would be very interested.

But first concentrate on getting away from him and getting out of the car contract somehow.

Best wishes to you and you baby.

Kurlysue34 Mon 17-Mar-14 20:02:55

Thanks again.
Also forgot to mention earlier I am also paying for 2 3 piece suites. There's no way I'm going to let him stay farting on them when I'm gone.
I'm not sure how I will retrieve these though after I'm gone :/

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