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going no where.

8 replies

millymollymandy28 · 17/03/2014 12:35

Dear MN..I am looking for advice on this one as I am having some issue's within my relationship with my partner. We have one 2.5 yr old daughter and currently live in SW Uk and is on a single income. It's been difficult for us as my partner has had inconsistent work for the past two years due to him making the wrong decisions and we don't have a supportive family. However I feel that my partner does not offer the commitment I am looking for. For example he does not arrange any outings for us, I am still not engaged/married, we have not been on holiday for 2 years, don't own a car, can barely pay the mortgage and the property we live in is falling apart around us. To make things worse the area I live in is "v middle class" and I feel isolated by people judging us as we don't have their means. . I have suggested to my partner that we move to down size as then we could afford to maintain a garden for my daughter to play in and move to an area were we would feel happier however he is refusing to do this. I did contact the council to see if I could get on a housing list, however it will take many years before this can happen. I feel really sad as I wanted two children which is out of the question as my partner wants to send our daughter to a private schools as the local one's are not good. I did work however my income was low and if I went back to work we could not afford private childcare..so I am at home all day with my daughter doing the 'housewife'role and I'm feeling stuck in a rutt and feel like I am wasting my life away. none of the mum friends I have met would not understand this as they seems to be very aspirational and don't want to hear about someone's mis fortune. I have thought about going to relate, however it does not solve the financial issue or my parnters lack of focus.

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iggy155 · 17/03/2014 12:49

Not meaning to be rude, but it sounds like your DP needs to get his head out of his backside and realise 'keeping up with the Jones'; does not put food on the table.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 12:57

I think your core problem is that you seem to want different things. You sound quite practical and realistic about your income and outgoings and the idea to downsize and relocate makes a lot of sense. Although I'd question how much your aspirational neighbours really are judging you. Is that your own insecurity talking or are they genuinely snotty snobs? For his part, for someone with no job and who makes poor decisions (financial? career?), his ideas about private education and living in a smart area seem to be very pie in the sky. Is he from a privileged background?

My view would be that you have to decide what direction you want to go (which sounds like the smaller property, state schooling & you earning your own money again), do your research on any state top-ups available for lone parents/couples on low incomes, set it out for him very clearly and tell him that it's his choice whether he joins you or not. I think you have to lead the way because he has no clue.

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Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2014 13:00

Erm, has he given any thought to how you would afford private school if you can't even afford nursery for your little one at the moment? Having trouble paying the mortgage? Can't afford holidays? Private education is not cheap! Sounds like moving to an area with nicer state schools would be an improvement all round. What is tying this man to an area he can't afford to live in?

I do think you need to start looking for work yourself, even if it's effectively for nothing at first. It's unwise to depend financially on someone who doesn't seem to have a good foothold on Planet Earth.

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Anniegetyourgun · 17/03/2014 13:01

Or, what Cog said.

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BeforeAndAfter · 17/03/2014 13:06

I won't comment on your relationship per se but I will comment on your partner's desire to send your daughter to private school as I think you need to talk to him and give him a stark reality check.

If you cannot afford a car, how on earth will you afford school fees? Has your partner actually looked at the level of fees? If you can scrape together the fees you then have to pay for the uniform, the school trips, the meals, so many extras and so it goes on. Each year gets more expensive too - over and above inflation.

Also if his income is unpredictable and you can't pay the fees one year do you intend to shift your daughter between the private and state sector in accordance with income flow?

Has he considered how your daughter will feel when her friends are dropped off in the 4x4 and go on holiday at least once, if not twice, a year? I know life shouldn't be about keeping-up-with-the-Joneses but I think it's hard if you're the one that's left out.

Wouldn't it be better to look into where there is a good state school and work towards moving into that catchment area? I honestly don't think that private primary school achieves that much when weighed up against the cost and at the local primary your daughter will be able to make local friends.

Maybe once she gets to secondary school age your finances will have stabilised so that private school can be considered then where it may (only may as it depends on what she wants to do) impact her choices IF she wants to go to university.

It just seems very pie-in-the-sky to me on his part based on the facts you've presented here. Perhaps he's saving the pennies as I type which is why you're so hard up now...

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millymollymandy28 · 17/03/2014 16:07

Thanks for the support-the private school idea comes from him being a teacher( he went to a private school)and knowing the schools in the area v well. His father has paid part fee's for his brother's kids so he is hoping DD fee's will be paid for. the people around this area are total snobs..one was even bragging about her house extension and private school, husbands big job (big yawn) when I bumped into her in the Supermarket the other day etc . women like this I tend to avoid but typical of the type in the neighbourhood. I am going to seek counselling for the relationship as I think am just going round in circles with nothing really changing. I do want to move house and find somewhere more suitable, less aspirational and more balanced.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 16:11

Go for it. Find the house, start the ball rolling and tell him you're going with or without him. Just knew he had parents with cash. Are you familiar with the expression 'shandy money and champagne tastes'? :) He's in the wrong job if he's planning to be rich.

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millymollymandy28 · 17/03/2014 16:33

thanks Cogito. it's true he does have these fantasies about making money which have failed in the past and his father has bailed him out a few times. he has had snr teaching posts but could not handle the responsibility and now he just does teaching tho still has and talks about 'hairbrain' ideas which I find frustrating.