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If you made the decision to go how did you cope?

(11 Posts)
HaribosForBreakfast Mon 17-Mar-14 11:47:58

Called time on my marriage after lots of fence sitting, 2 rounds of Relate and no real change. I was the one to actually start the 'it's over' conversation. Agreements have been made re housing and shared care of the DC's. No abuse, no affairs it just wasn't working/didn't seem to working for either of us.

The relief of the decision to split was amazing. 2 months on I've fallen off an emotional cliff and wondering what more I could do to carry on being a 'normal family' for the sake of the DC's, where the love vanished to, regretting not going to Relate before crisis point was reached and guilty for upending DC's and STBXH's lives.

Is this normal and how did you get through it? I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel like it would be better to be back with my head in the sand.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 12:15:43

I don't think it particularly matters how a marriage ends or even who ended it. It's always traumatic, disruptive, very sad and there are going to be huge regrets. You're in a grieving process now and it will take as long as it takes to go through the phases of 1.Denial/Isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression to 5. Acceptance. They can happen all at once or far apart, in no particular order and they tend to go in cycles... particularly the depression aspect which IME can pop up long into the future.

My best suggestion therefore is to be kind to yourself, deal with the low days best you can and make the most of the good days.

MrsAnonymousYummyMummy Mon 17-Mar-14 12:51:15

Hello Haribos

Just to repeat what Cog has said really. You are going to get days/times when you feel like this - it is just part of it but it will get better. Try not to get too caught up in the negative feelings though, try to just let them sort of wash over you if that makes sense.

Keep busy and focussing on plans for the future also helps

HaribosForBreakfast Mon 17-Mar-14 13:38:02

Thank you. I am feeling so nostalgic for the good times and I am overlooking the bad, it's the loss of hopes and dreams for what the future would be. I realise I am also angry that it is me feeling all of this - DH just sees me as the baddie because I initiated the split and so it is 'my choice' and has thrown himself wholeheartedly into the dating scene. I appreciate that may be his coping strategy but I feel battered, sad and guilty and can't imagine wanting a relationship with anyone for a long while.

I tried so hard to keep the show on the road and meet his needs and it feels like for nothing and like I am being selfish in saying 'enough is enough' and it doesn't feel ok to be selfish when DC's are involved.

I phoned the GP for an appointment as I am struggling to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other through the tears but they can't see me until late next week.

BeforeAndAfter Mon 17-Mar-14 14:01:07

For me just knowing that a good day would turn up helped. Knowing that I was going through a bad patch to get to the good patch helped. Slowly but surely the good days blend together and push the bad days out. You are grieving and grief is a process. You are grieving not only because your present is not as you thought it would be but for the future that will look very different than the one you thought you had.

MN is full of great advice but there were two things that really resonated with me. Firstly, treat yourself as you would a friend - that is, do nice things for you and the other is that the human mind is programmed to forget pain and remember the good stuff - if we didn't do that there'd be no brothers and sisters around - so right now you're nostalgic for the good times which is one hell of a mind trick.

Actually there are three - it's easier to stay left than to have to leave all over again because you went back.

Stay strong. I know how hard this is.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 14:11:30

Unless you reached the conclusion 'enough is enough' on the flip of a coin or for frivolous reasons - which you clearly didn't - then it is unfair to label the decision as selfish. It takes courage to make tough decisions, you're clearly trying to follow through responsibly, treating people fairly or you wouldn't be feeling so stressed. If you've spent years 'meeting his needs', keeping the show on the road, enduring Relate sessions and getting nothing back then you've nothing to feel guilty about.

Give your surgery a call back and tell them it's an emergency.

BertieBotts Mon 17-Mar-14 14:20:01

I don't think it would have mattered if you'd gone to Relate before, it still wouldn't have worked out. Marriages are right or wrong, I don't believe that hard work can save the unsalvageable.

If it's all you can do to get out of bed, get out of bed. That's all you need to do. It will get better.

HaribosForBreakfast Mon 17-Mar-14 15:32:09

I just can't stop worrying about the DC's. I'll put up with all his stuff to keep the home intact for them. I wish I'd never worked up to telling him it was over. I'm scared and panicking and feeling sick but there's no going back, he's dating, house sale is going through, mortgage arranged.

I was so strong and in control and certain. Why this now?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 16:16:24

There's a thing in my field - sales - which is known as 'buyers' remorse'. Roughly speaking it's the 'OMG what have I done?' feeling that follows a big purchase. The bigger the outlay, the bigger the doubts. A good sales team will anticipate this and follow up a big sale just to make sure the buyer is reassured they made the right decision.

You're experiencing something similar. You've made a very big life-changing decision, you're bound to have a few doubts and this is the time to seek support from people who can reassure you that you're doing the right thing and help you make the transition for your DCs. Do you have someone you can talk to?

HaribosForBreakfast Mon 17-Mar-14 16:37:55

I cired on my DM earlier and at her suggestion I have made an initial appointment to see someone at a local counselling service on Weds. Apart from Relate I have no experience of counselling so not sure if this will help. I feel stupid, and ashamed it was my decision and one I agonised over.

I don't have a big circle of friends and virtually all are happily married and I don't know how to talk about this to them.

I need some reassurance that DC's can come through divorce without too many consequences. They are the ones who really suffer here and I hate that I'm going to be hurting them.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 17:32:02

A counsellor is a great idea but don't assume happily married friends wouldn't be able to understand. I expect you looked happily married to them not so long ago and you've only to read few threads on this board to realise the misery that goes on in a lot of 'happy' marriages. If there's one friend you can trust, confide in them perhaps and see what they say.

Your DCs will be affected by the divorce in different ways but whether they actually suffer or are hurt or not will be largely down to the attitude of you and your STBXH going forward. What matters is not where you live but whether you can cooperate, remain civil and be considerate. FWIW ask anyone who grew up in a house where Mum and Dad stayed married and lived under the same roof 'for the sake of the children' but were miserable and bickering all the time. They'll tell you that's a very damaging environment that can have long-lasting effects.

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