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Bird nesting

(25 Posts)
forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 00:02:02

When both parents share and external home and stay in marital home (alone) 50:50 at pre arranged times. Therefore kids stay in family home 100% of the time. My DH are thinking of trying this as a trial separation whilst having couples counselling. We would rent a small flat and take turns to stay there. Does anyone know of a couple that tried thishmm?.

BeforeAndAfter Mon 17-Mar-14 00:08:37

Not exactly but...

In my old life when I had a DH we owned a house in the country and a small flat in the centre of London. As I worked in central London I would stay at the flat a couple of nights a week. That's when he played away. We're now divorced and he's married to OW.

I appreciate that your circumstances are different though. Sorry - I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 04:51:14

Short-term it could have merit but I think long term the set-up you're describing would be very confusing for the DCs and almost reduce your parental role to that of 'visiting carer'.

Optimist1 Mon 17-Mar-14 06:44:04

I can see the logic behind this arrangement but the fact that both parents would in effect be sharing two homes has massive potential for added discord. I'm thinking of domestic-based niggles - who neglected to stock up on loo rolls, who left the heating on, and so on. And more importantly, neither parent will actually have a space that's exclusively theirs to represent a haven in troubled times.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Mar-14 06:59:02

My friend did this for a while. She managed ok with it, although it did involve quite a lot of continued contact with her ex. She's got her own place now and she seems much more relaxed and the kids adapted fine.

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 07:53:49

We get on really well. Just don't have any real affection anymore. Both really sad about this as been together 18 years. Neither want a the other to have time away from children so decided that we do 50:50 each for a while and take not from there. Hence 'bird nesting' we r both at hm at the moment though and I really feel my life is on hold until we take a step in some direction. This is making me quite depressed too.

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 07:56:40

Forgot to add that DH can't afford anywhere at the moment and hasn't anywhere to go. I pay 70% if joint bills as I earn more. So alternate is HIM leaving which I feel is horrible considering I am the one who wanted to end the relationship initially.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 07:59:54

'Afford' is relative, as is having somewhere to go. Probably means significantly lowering expectations, downsizing, relocating or something similar. The danger is trying to hold onto an unreasonable status quo ... family home, lifestyle, particular location... against all commonsense. Work out what's possible and make that happen best you can rather than trying to cling to impossible.

Lovingfreedom Mon 17-Mar-14 08:01:56

I think you will continue to have that 'life on hold' feeling until you separate properly, including your property and possessions.

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 08:12:12

We have hung onto living together for last two years. So this feels like best next step as neither of us want to live the kids right now. And DH says he can't bare the thought of sleeping away from them. So we agreeds 50:50. I known in the future we have to plan a better move and maybe sell etc. but need this breathing space to think

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 08:28:06

Go for it. You both need time apart to see how you both still feel about each other and this is the best solution you have at the moment. You will each have breathing space and you never know, you might actually miss each

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 08:33:03

I am secretly hoping we miss eachother as I think I started to feel very claustrophobic in this relationship and this was a contributory factor to wanting out. But for now it's very emotional for both thinking of leaving kids so we want to share the burden initially IFYSWIM.

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 08:55:09

How long have you been

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 10:23:31

18 years. First love for me.

Dahlen Mon 17-Mar-14 10:34:31

I know it's probably the last thing on your minds at the moment, but what happens if either one of you meets someone else and it becomes serious? Or are you both planning to remain single until the DC have left home?

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 11:52:04

Eighteen years is a long time isn't it. I think that time apart is a good thing for seeing how you feel but as Darlene pointed will you feel if he meets someone else ....would you feel jealousy.....maybe that is what your trying to find out. smile

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 11:52:53


sorry on phone

forevermore Mon 17-Mar-14 12:19:24

I have low self esteem. I say this because I always think he will meet someone and I won't and become a spinster. DH is good looking in shape tall and a nice man. I feel he is much more desirable than me. Not in a jealous way just feel low about myself. I am professional working mum. Juggling a thousand tasks and can't imagine where I would find another mate to take me on much less kids in tow. Sorry feeling sorry for myself at the mo and really sad that I couldn't just get on with it and ride what may be a blip in our marriage. But in all honesty I just don't feel that I love him anymorehmm so don't want to stay together because of fear of going it alone.

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 12:41:16

Forever sorry your feeling so sad. Take the time apart and go from there. I've been with my DH for 30 years now, married for 28 years. We had a blip ten years ago when we were in a place where we had lost each other and I had lost myself. Separating for awhile made us both realise that we still loved each other and reawakened lost feelings of desire and that " in love " feeling. We dated again before moving back in together. We are happier now than we were before and realise how we had become "parents" rather than "lovers" and had lost each other. Although the time apart was heartbreaking as we didn't know what the outcome would be, it was the best thing for us. smile

Lovingfreedom Tue 18-Mar-14 10:39:54

Why do you want to separate? Is it to do with your low self esteem? What are you hoping to achieve by separating?

forevermore Thu 20-Mar-14 19:28:40

Returning to this thread after a couple of days of talking. I am hoping to achieve a sense of self back and going it alone without coming home to tension and a feeling of doom. Hopefully the headspace will give us the energy to talk. Which at the moment we don't do. We have first appt at relate next week

Millyblods Thu 20-Mar-14 20:35:22

Hi Forever glad you have made a decision. The time apart will do you

forevermore Thu 20-Mar-14 20:50:59

Thanks Milly. The other place isn't available for six weeks. So wondering what we do during this time?

pinkflaming0 Thu 20-Mar-14 20:55:31

There was a good post about this with a link to a positive article about the effect of this type of arrangement on the children in the Divorce & Separation section - putting them first, not disrupting where they live or go to school, the adults adapting to moving home twice a week not the kids and so on.

I think that if you are going to share childcare 50:50 then this is far better than making the kids have two homes. Provided of course that you can both behave like responsible adults.

Meeting someone else could be an issue but then it might stop things progressing too quickly 'on the rebound'.

It's something I'd thought of before I realised it was a recognised concept.

Another positive for me is that I wouldn't be depriving DH of his home (which is also his workplace) either.

Would be interested to hear from someone who's actually done this.

Snoozybird Thu 20-Mar-14 22:15:47

My DH did this when he and his ex first split up. It worked ok at first and was a good way for the DCs to get used to their parents' split whilst having the stability of one home(although of course ot other DC's it might have giver them false hopes for a reconciliation).

However as time went by things became strained with both ex and DH wanting to move on emotionally from each other and both feeling unsettled as they had nowhere to call home. Then as soon as new partners came on the scene the situation became untenable.

To summarise, it can work in the very short term but have a plan to move on from that arrangement before bad feeling forces your hand.

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