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How to help my mum?

(15 Posts)
jennyfin Sun 16-Mar-14 22:48:40

Hi there, just looking for some advice really.

Me and my younger sister have both recently moved out, my sister nearly a 2 hour drive away. I love spending time with her, we go out for lunch, days out etc. The problem is everytime I leave to go home, I can't help but feeling terrible - I think its the thought that I'm leaving her by herself and I know that she does feel quite lonely.

She hasn't really got any friends that she would spend any proper time with and hasn't got a partner. I don't really know what to do, or how to help her - I know that she is lonely and it honestly breaks my heart to see it.

Dirtybadger Sun 16-Mar-14 22:55:34

Does she have any hobbies? Does she work? Have any pets? Volunteer?

I would be very bored at home alone all day. Even as an introvert. But working and having my trusty furry companion and regular visits from dcs I feel would keep me quite content. That's a hypothetical, though.

How often do you or your ds visit?

drudgetrudy Sun 16-Mar-14 23:21:14

How old is your Mum?
If she's nice I don't think she would want you to feel bad for having your own life. If she's reasonably young and mobile you could gently nudge her towards some activities you know she would be interested in, but she really does need to take some responsibility for building up her own life.
If she is much older or has serious health problems it is more difficult. Not everyone likes the sort of activities that are organised for much older people. Although she's a little lonely she may actually prefer more solitary activities.

Millyblods Sun 16-Mar-14 23:35:04

Point her in the direction of MN. Lots of us older Mums on here . O and what about showing her some Blogs. There are loads out there covering all subjects and you can make lots of online friends in the blogging world.grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 05:28:38

There's a phrase.... 'necessity is the mother of invention'. If she's lonely and finding it unpleasant she'll be motivated to scare up some company. All the time you and your DSis lived with her she didn't have to bother. By all means ask what she's up to but you're really not responsible for her social life. How old is DM?

maggiemight Mon 17-Mar-14 07:38:17

You need to come to terms with the fact that your mother's life is her responsibility and not yours.

I guess she is in her 50s? If so she has another 30 or very possibly 40 years to go. Are you happy to be her best friend for all those years, fitting your life around hers? The more you help her the more she will depend on you.

frazmum Mon 17-Mar-14 08:46:08

It's a transition phase for her. I'd keep in touch and be supportive of the choices she's making. But at the end of the day she needs to do this herself. She's lucky she has a family who cares.

jennyfin Mon 17-Mar-14 13:24:38

Thanks for your responses smile

She's in her late 40s, I see her near enough everyday as we work next door to each other. My sister probably sees her every couple of weeks so we are always around. She comes from a big family so is used to always running around for people/having people depend on her, but slowly this has all started to stop and I think this is the problem.

We've tried talking to her about online dating not only for the meeting someone aspect, but also thought it might be a good way of finding people with similar interests, but I think she is too embarrassed. I will try to find some groups that's she's interested in! The idea of blogs sounds good, thanks for that smile maybe I do need to stop worrying about her so much!

Anniegetyourgun Mon 17-Mar-14 13:30:47

40s! Good lord, she's just a spring chicken still.

Millyblods Mon 17-Mar-14 14:22:22

Late 40s, children grown up and left , yes it can be a difficult time for her while she adjusts but she will .smile

Hissy Mon 17-Mar-14 21:11:45

What a kind and considerate daughter!

Your mum is young. She will have plenty of opportunities to make her own life her own.

Her life is her responsibility. It's not fair on you to take responsibility for your own life and hers.

Yes she'll be a little lost now, but she will need to address that herself.

Charley50 Mon 17-Mar-14 21:24:01


drudgetrudy Mon 17-Mar-14 21:38:43

Its nice to see someone concerned about their Mum! Really she is a young woman. She will miss you and your sister being around all the time but she will soon adjust and find new things to fill her life. Its great that you are friends but life is an ever-changing pattern for all of us and we are responsible for ourselves.
I'm quite a bit older than your Mum and wouldn't like to think my grown-up children were worrying about me.

maggiemight Mon 17-Mar-14 22:27:48

What a wonderful opportunity for her - life without the previous responsibilities and people to look after or worry about.

The world's her lobster - take a step back jenny you might be trampled in her rush for freedom!!!

50ShadesofGreyMatter Tue 18-Mar-14 02:36:10

I'm in a similar situation to your mum in that my last dc and only girl is about to leave home (to live 5 mins down the road), she is my baby blush and I am really really upset about it, even though I know it is right for her and it's not about me.

It's a huge adjustment when last dc leaves home, menopause may be upon us and we can feel without purpose in our lives.

About a year ago I joined, as I knew I needed to get out there a bit more. I've really enjoyed it, going to events and meeting new people.
Depending on area there can be a lot of different activities going on.

It will be a difficult time for your mum, as it is for me.

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