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Eight months on

(21 Posts)
Whoaminow1 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:09:47

Does anyone else feel like me. Some days I feel slightly better, some days just completely destroyed.My H left me and three DCs suddenly saying "we had grown apart" etc. truly shocked, we had been very happy for over 20 years. Months later I found out he is in a relationship with a very close freind of mine( bridesmaid, Godmother, childhood freind of mine)

Does the physical pain ever go away, the memories of all those happy years.

Just yesterday I was feeling reflective about how all this happened,I was going out with girlfreinds who were outside waiting for Ex H arrived bringing a child home.As I walked out he was standing smiling chatting away saying hello, kiss kiss .Not a care in the world. I could hardly speak, I felt physically destroyed.How could he continue to act in this way as if my feelings ment nothing.I wanted to scream F Off .of course I said nothing,no one did, I just cried inside.

This is what's so I abnormal.I have had so much love and support from Freinds and family , now I feel they just can't cope hearing my pain any more.I have to be strong for my kids and family "yeh I'm fine" "yeh life goes on" but I'm not and I don't think I ever will be

He is so charming, polite etc to everyone but he has never said sorry.He won't tell the kids that he sleeping with my best freind,so they are acting like we should all move on.i won't slag him off to them as they adore him.He acts his normal loving charming self with them so they don't see the whole picture.Sorry to ramble on, just need someone to talk to.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:11:55

No you aren't abnormal at all - 8 months is a very short time after 20 years together. The sad days will get fewer and further apart. And of course he wants to make himself look happy in public, otherwise how else would he justify destroying his family for his own happiness. Am sure it will all catch up and bite him on the backside at some point - it generally does.

Whoaminow1 Sun 16-Mar-14 19:52:26

Thankyou Lavender Green, sometimes I feel very lonely with my thoughts. I really want to block out all the pain and move on.He was the centre of my life for so long, I wish I could just" switch off " from my memories and let go of the reality I once had. I feel so changed and and disillusioned .
Probably because I really thought he was my sole mate and we would grow old together.I need to redefine life.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 16-Mar-14 20:04:43

I could have written what you wrote 2 years ago - am a different person now. Old cliches work, keep busy, lean on your mates, exercise maybe (I bought a bike), sign up for some study maybe? I redecorated from top to bottom, bought a new car - new clothes and started a degree, would never have done any of those things with him. Doesn't have to be expensive, but they are all steps to your new life and to help you discover yourself. It is a long hard road but there can be happiness at the end of it for you.

Handywoman Sun 16-Mar-14 20:20:44

You have had a double betrayal OP. Please be kind to yourself. I can relate to your feelings as I want to scream at my STBXH when he asks about me... as if nothing happened... as if ha ha!!! Please look after yourself. Could you consider counselling OP?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 20:33:11

IME eight months is not very long at all to recover from having your heart surgically removed with a blunt spoon... FWIW I think you should lose your temper occasionally. I also think you should tell your DCs the truth about Dear Old Dad if they're giving you a hard time on the strength of false information. It's not your job to keep his grubby secrets and it's not 'badmouthing' if you're simply stating facts.

Keeping an unnatural calm in the face of this kind of thing does you no good. Express yourself. It's therapeutic.

wyrdyBird Sun 16-Mar-14 20:47:49

So sorry you're going through this. It's not long after the split, and it's bound to hurt. You're not abnormal at all.

You've been treated quite coldly, without even an apology for the sudden breakup after such a long time. He's quite happy, and you feel you ought to move on. But it's not so easy in circumstances like that.

If you feel the need to redefine life, and you want to talk through what happened without having to squash down your true feelings, then it might be worth looking for a counsellor now.

I do share Cogito's view that the DC need some matter of fact truthfulness about what's happened. No need to slag him off, but the charming, everything's always fine approach of your ex can be just as damaging. They may get the idea that life must always be fine and unpleasant feelings can simply be airbrushed out of existence.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Mar-14 20:50:44

8 months is very early days

and he is a complete shit to ask all "normal" like he never put a bomb under your life and detonated it without a thought

well done you for keeping your kids welfare at the forefront of your mind, what a pity he couldn't do that

he is an inadequate person who will never be truly happy whereas one day you will realise that you have moved on with conscience clear

good luck and godspeed x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 20:59:11

Cautionary tale about what happens when you don't tell DCs the truth. My friend's DH left her with two DDs for an OW. Because my friend kept up the pretence of Dad being a decent man a little too well, they decided that Mum must have driven this paragon away and made her life complete hell as a result. They're older now, they know the full story and fences are being mended. But that was 10 years of misery and anger just to protect the reputation of a man that really didn't deserve it.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Mar-14 21:03:34

too true, cog

OP, don't do yourself down for the sake of a man

that is good advice no matter what situation you find yourself in

Whoaminow1 Sun 16-Mar-14 21:08:57

Thanks for all your support, it really helps
I did tell the kids that I thought dad was having an affair with my BF. Their response was we don't believe it and will only believe it when they hear it from him.They are 12, 16 and 18.I asked him to tell the kids as I thought
The truth from the start is important. As they got out of the car he said to them, you know ....... Well we have always been Freinds and still are., I will be living on my own. My youngest walked in and said Dad isn't seeing.... Their just Freinds. I texted H who responded " we're is your instinct to protect the kids" I was left speechless

So he sees kids once a week, never in his own home, takes them for a restaurant meal.Acts like a caring,cheerful same old Dad.

The ex Bf never made contact since he left. I carry on working, caring cooking loving the kids. Increased my hours working in a profession
Caring for other people. Have no idea about my finically future- court case pending.Basically two of the most important people in my life have just
Ripped my life apart.

I once thought I was a pretty cheerful confident person.Now I can't ever imagine loving again, let alone meeting someone!!!! 15 til 50 is the time I
Was Friends with her and Friends with my husband.lifes cruel

And on a light note , forget having a loving relationship, what about sex !!

KidsDontThinkImCool Sun 16-Mar-14 21:14:13

You are not abnormal, it will get easier it may just take longer than you think. Keep leaning on your friends, you need them. I'm 2 years down the line now and the bad days are fewer and farther apart. But keeping a smile plastered on your face all the time isn't going to help. If you want to start to heal it will help to let some of that pain out. Let some anger out. And by all means - do tell your kids what's happened. You don't have to tell them what a dick he is, but you aren't doing them any favours by lying to them. It's no longer your job to protect him. It was at about the 8 month mark that I finally told mine about their dad's affair. They were upset at first. DS cried for a bit. Then he came back and gave me a big hug and thanked me for telling him the truth. I told them they didn't have to be angry with him, that that was my job, but that I would always be honest with them. I think knowing the truth helped them to come to terms better with everything that had happened and now my relationship with them is vastly improved.

KidsDontThinkImCool Sun 16-Mar-14 21:18:29

Sorry, x-posts. Look, the truth will come out eventually and then they will realise that you were the one who was honest with them. As for your ex's reply, fuck him, he's just trying to protect himself and make you feel bad in teh process. It's so typical. Ignore him.

As for sex and relationships - why not have a bit of a fling? You may not be ready to trust someone in a relationship yet but a FWB could do wonders for your confidence. Sorry you're going through all this, it's really shitty but you will get through it.

Handywoman Sun 16-Mar-14 21:19:05

This is food for thought. I grew up in a family where negative stuff was not openly discussed. Have been trundling along 8 months after kicking STBXH out after 10yrs of crap/inadequate behaviour/low-grade abuse. After letting rip and telling him just how exasperated I was with him/hurt/let down he let me down some more by simply sloping off with no comment, and now just looks all happy and relaxed when I drop the kids to him. Mind you he has lots of time to relax now that he has them one night per 14 days.

I can barely look at him and want to lay into him. I try to be smiley and relaxed back for the same of the kids. But maybe some of my hurt should come out directly now and then. Don't want the kids drawn into it but also don't want them growing up feeling that bad stuff gets swept under the carpet. Hmmm dunno....

Sorry for hijack

Whoaminow1 Sun 16-Mar-14 21:36:55

I agree about being open with kids, but until this friend of ours entered the scene we had a happy time, and they love him. Should the pain he caused me stop with me

The friendleft her husband. She had nowhere to live, no money . She used to ring me crying and depressed. I helped her find a rental near by and even got her a job. Invited her and her kids for Christmas. Slowly over two years she leant on my husband, told him how wonderful he was etc etc.she withdrew from me, texted my husband constantly. He told me I was paranoid and he was just being supportive etc.

It's irrelevant now. I just no life's very cruel and people can have complete
Personality changes.

How now to put all of my marriage behind me. All that love and commitment.

I hate what he has done to me, it's like he's destroyed who I am

I want to see her suffer and even though I know I need to protect my kids
I want them to be angry for me. Yet I don't want them to know this pain.
Shit isn't it.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Mar-14 21:41:05

Shit is an understatement, love sad

cakehappy Sun 16-Mar-14 21:50:24

Sorry that you are feeling so terrible OP... I'm with everyone else though, your kids deserve to know the truth. I would want to know in their shoes. They are old enough to deal with it, he's completely taking the piss! Makes me cross! Sorry you're hurting.

BeforeAndAfter Sun 16-Mar-14 22:08:59

It is shit. No question about it. To lose two people that you care about most with such deceit is horrific.

I honestly think that you need to stop protecting him and OW. You don't need to bad mouth them but I do think the children should know the truth. My ex refused to tell his children (my DSDs) that he had had an affair and tried to introduce the OW as a new friend. Inevitably the truth came out and his lies damaged their relationship to the core. He was and still is a cowardly bastard - sounds like yours.

You could just say that you know that Dad and OW are now together as a couple and you think they're able to cope with the truth. If they refuse to believe it say that you will show them proof (presumably you have a text or something from him) and let them know you will answer any questions they have truthfully but they have to remember he's their Dad and loves them blah blah blah. Given their ages (especially the elder two) I don't think he's "protecting the children" by not telling them. He's just protecting himself and OW and it will backfire when the truth outs.

Eight months is no time at all especially when you've lost your BF too. It took me two years to stop feeling the pain of what happened. During those two years, however, I was moving forward and building a life for myself and making my home my own and - yes - dating and having great sex. I hope you are building a new life for yourself. It's not easy and sometimes you have to fake it till you make it to go on a night out but it is essential to make sure you move on.

Notnastypasty Sun 16-Mar-14 22:10:47

I'm going through something similar and have just read a book called 'Runaway Husbands' by vikki stark after seeing good reviews on amazon.

It's really helped me and is so helpful if your marriage has ended as yours (and mine) has - out of the blue when you thought you had a good marriage and usually another woman involved. I'd recommend giving it a look.

Whoaminow1 Sun 16-Mar-14 22:23:01

Thanks for your advice. To be honest I Definately get the feeling the kids
Don't want to talk about it. I feel like the baddy bringing it up. When I asked my 12yr old how he was,re dad and I, and all the changes, he said he didn't want to talk about it, his eyes filled with tears and he left the room. I gave him 5 minutes then said it's ok but I'm always there if he wants to talk etc. later he cheerfully left to spend a couple of hours with his Dad. I can hardly tell him dad is having a relationship with close family freind.its like he knows but refuses to talk about it.Dad can do no wrong!

And guess what ,his best friend ow brother
Said brother is very wealthy and paying for his ,husbands, legal fees
Said brother and I once lived with me, cheated on me and left me
We were very young so it's in the past .i then went on to marry my husband
At one time my husband thought this guy a complete D..k

You couldn't believe it I should write a bloody book

KidsDontThinkImCool Sun 16-Mar-14 22:45:20

Whoami we should all write a book! These fuckers always think they're so special and unique when actually they are just pathetic cliches. I know what you mean about wanting her to suffer and wanting the kids to be angry for you. I came across something DD wrote the other day about how much she loves the OW. I keep wanting to blurt out - but she's the bitch who helped to ruin our family! She's not a good person, she pretended to be nice to me then slept with my husband. You CANT like her, you have to hate her for me! Of course I said none of that, but it's hard. I keep biting my tongue hoping the urge will pass.

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