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Sorry, it's me again

(15 Posts)
EverythingsDozy Sun 16-Mar-14 12:13:35

Have done a few threads on here, tried to find my old one to carry that one on but I couldn't.
My husband has had an emotional affair, he left me on NYE for the OW, told me he loved her etc.
I'm just really struggling today, thinking of the things he was telling her whilst telling me the same thing. Telling me he loved me while telling her that he loved her. How can I get through this?? I'm feeling really low at the moment, it makes me feel sick. How could he do that to me? I'm his wife. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 12:30:17

Sorry you're having a low day. Find things to keep you occupied if you can. Anything's better than sitting tormenting yourself with chick-flick style ideas of who-said-what-to-who romantic stuff. He lied to you, probably lied to her, lies to himself..... he's a liar and a wedding ring was never going to change that.

So think of something nice to do that will get you out of the house, preferably interacting with other people. Drive the negative thoughts out with something more fun. Good luck

EverythingsDozy Sun 16-Mar-14 12:41:34

I've just had a little read of the divorce/separation threads. I can't believe how many there are who have had situations like mine.

What is wrong with these men (and no doubt some woman) who feel like they can treat people like this? And what is wrong with the OW/OM who want people like this???
I recently realised that the OW in my case has got herself a massive loser! He is no prize catch, no money, no qualifications, crap job, debts, no house etc. He quite easily walked away from his wife and his children, his biggest commitments and she thinks she's got the prize and she hasn't! I think she probably thinks she's the cat that got the cream, flaunting him because she managed to snare a man away from his wife. I'm sure her friends are oh so impressed, and he's acting like the big I am because he's 25 and they're all 19/20 ish.
I know all this in my head, why can't I feel it in my heart? He might be a loser but he was my loser and I resent the fact that someone has snatched him away from all of us. He picked her over his children, how could he??

Finola1step Sun 16-Mar-14 12:48:56

Because he is a shit. Pure and simple.

What you are feeling and thinking is all very natural. It's part of the grieving process, you are grieving for your marraige, the future you wanted, and the relationship you wanted for your dc and their father.

He is the loser. But he is not your loser anymore, thank goodness.

You are the winner here girl. I know you don't feel it now, but you really are the winner. Stay strong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 16-Mar-14 13:45:41

If you are the poster I think you are, didn't he have months to get to know her at work and when you were suspicious about her angling to take your DCs to play he scoffed at your concerns. ..? That bell was ringing loud and clear so your radar was spot on. He was flattered by a younger female and persuaded himself he was missing out on a life without domestic responsibilities.

She fell for how he portrayed himself at work. She could only go by physical attraction and what he told her. Posters on these threads say "It's like he's a stranger, I don't know him any more". This man you knew and loved reinvented himself. Attention and ego strokes are addictive!

The good news is, you will grieve a while yet for what you had but it will get better. From how you describe him it sounds like you expended a lot of energy propping him up. Loser or not I wonder how much of your upset was frustration at the realisation that you invested more in your marriage than he did.

It's a painful way to stop and look at what you had. But it isn't just H who gets a fresh start. Look at how many people who had depression for years find with a dramatic shift in relationship status that instead of struggling with the trauma they actually get back in their stride quite quickly and even feel better.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 16-Mar-14 13:54:37

Sorry you are feeling so rubbish. He did it because he isn't nice - you are right, she hasn't got a wonderful prize, her life will now be full of insecurity knowing he is an unfaithful man.

Please be kind to yourself - you may feel rotten today, but tomorrow you will feel brighter. Give yourself time to grieve, not just for your future, but for the past you thought you had. Do not try and understand him though - when my ex did the same my Dad told me not to waste energy trying to understand the behavior of someone with no morals whose brain doesn't work like mine. Good advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 14:06:31

If the best you can say about someone was 'he was my loser' you've really lost nothing worth keeping. Keep the wallowing to a minimum because it does pass eventually. Stay angry... smile

EverythingsDozy Sun 16-Mar-14 14:50:46

You're all right, as usual. I have a real hard time remembering all the things people say. I feel low and then get stuck in that negative thought pattern until someone can shake me out of it! I think it's why CBT never worked properly for me.

I don't want to stay bitter but I really hope either he turns back to his normal self and she gets fed up and wonders why she ever took him off me or she turns into crazy psycho bunny boiler and he thinks how good he had it with me!!

I do still want him home but have decided I have to say no, if he does come back. I can't allow him to hurt me again and that's all he would end up doing.
I hate being alone, I just want somebody to treat me nicely!! I've never been wooed, I've never felt like I was good enough to be. He was the best I could get because I'm ugly, overweight and moody. I'm still ugly and overweight but I now realise I was moody because he put me in a bad mood! Always the dark cloud.

LavenderGreen14 Sun 16-Mar-14 15:31:59

You will get to the point that he could come home and beg (most of them do) and you won't feel anything but pity towards him. You want the old him home, but sadly that person has gone.

Being alone can be grim at times, but it can also be grand too. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than spend 1 moment with my ex - and you shall reach that point too. It may take a while, but you will get there. And you will emerge a stronger, happier person. Just hold onto that for now. And you are not ugly, overweight, moody or any other negative things. And yep, you deserve someone who will woo you and treat you with kindness and respect and honesty. The OW is welcome to him.

EverythingsDozy Sun 16-Mar-14 15:50:36

She is welcome to him but I would love nothing more than for him to beg me to come home just so I can say no. I know it's terrible but I want him to hurt like I have been.
I honestly hope his mum and dad are thoroughly ashamed of him. I hope him and the OW break up so he has to move back in with his parents properly. They will end up with 3/4 children living with them, two with their own children at home because they can't keep a decent relationship going. (The other being his sister who I love and is in uni so she's allowed to be at home!!)

I have bought his mum a Mother's Day present and have bought his nephew a birthday present because I know he is useless and won't bother (and will probably forget like he did with his brothers and dads birthdays!). I hope they realise that I was the only reason he was half decent to them!! They're certainly seeing how much of a shit he is now!

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 16-Mar-14 16:05:34

The things you are feeling are completely natural. When my STBXH left for OW, I initially wanted him to beg me to take him back, and I would have done, then I wanted him to beg me to come back so I could tell him to jog on. I wanted his family to be ashamed of him, I wanted him to hurt as much as I hurt, I wanted him to treat OW badly and regret what he did every day of his miserable life while I rebuilt mine.

The truth is, 6 months down the line, I don't care! I no longer want him to beg to come back, I don't care if he's happy or not, I don't care if OW is going to stay with him. I have spent so much time concentrating on rebuilding my life that in the process, I have pushed him right out of it.

You will get there too, many of us have. My goodness, if you had read any of my threads, I was the last person to come out of this. I actually can say I am happy and excited for my future.

I think the bigger problem is how it has enhanced your feelings of self respect. He wasn't the best you could get, he is a lying cheat who has treated you terribly and you deserve so much better regardless of what your weight is. Personally honey, I think you need to focus on how you feel and what you can do to make yourself feel better.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 16:07:56

She didn't 'take him off you'.... he walked out entirely voluntarily.

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 16-Mar-14 21:55:47

It's still early days Op and what your feeling is normal , and will pass.

I know your upset , but comments about being ugly and overweight will only effect your self esteem further. Plus I bet it's not true.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 16-Mar-14 22:26:59

'self-esteem' that's what I meant to put instead of 'self respect' sorry blush

EverythingsDozy Mon 17-Mar-14 15:50:41

I have felt better about myself since he left. I have had days where I feel fat, ugly, useless etc, but then there are more days when I feel better in myself, feel better about my parenting and the children.
Thank you all smile

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