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Scared to leave

(13 Posts)
Emptyeggcup11 Sun 16-Mar-14 10:31:06

Can anyone please help me. I'm in a two year old relationship with my partner who is asking to move in to my house with my children and I think want marriage eventually. I am very find of him but I don't love him. I'm divorced and it is my second relationship in eight years. We do argue quite a bit with him sulking a lot but I'm find of him and miss him when he's not around. I don't feel that it is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I'm too scared to call an end to it because I am so lonely on my own and terrified that I won't find someone else. I live in the countryside and don't work as I'm financially independent and still being a mum to three preteens so I don't meet new people often. I feel like I'm trapped in a relationship I know is wrong but the fear of experiencing that loneliness again never fades. Any advice appreciated.

Squeegle Sun 16-Mar-14 10:35:17

I do understand where you're at. But sulking is awful to live with- please please please don't have him move in.

And that's aside from you saying you don't love him! I think you have to be honest with him. Tell him the truth.

There will be other chances. And honestly it is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. Especially when you have 3 kids- you would be exposing all of them - recipe for disaster!

BillyBanter Sun 16-Mar-14 10:36:13

Can you investigate activities that are available to you in your area and draw up some sort of plan of what to do with your time once you don't have him for company? Is there a hobby you can take up or rekindle?

Things like drawing and crafty stuff can be very absorbing and pass the time really quickly for evenings in on your own (except for the kids of course)

It's not going to get any easier to find someone new in a year or five's time...

pictish Sun 16-Mar-14 10:40:20

Ditch the fella, and resolve yourself to fill up your time with other things I think.
It's not fair to keep him on as wouldn't like to be regarded like that.

Do the right thing and let him go. Don't use people like that.

Ps. Sulking is one of the most unattractive traits in a person isn't it? Ugh.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 10:41:17

I agree with the PP. If fear of loneliness and independence is causing you to stick with someone who is clearly unsuitable then tackle that fear head on. Build up your social circle and find things that make the most of your independence. If you live in some kind of backwater, consider relocating somewhere more lively. Don't settle for something shoddy...

tribpot Sun 16-Mar-14 10:57:17

It sounds like there are opportunities for you to meet new people if you put your mind to it - your children are in school and you don't need to work, so could volunteer? Study at university?

You really need to build up your confidence, and I don't think this relationship is going to help you do that. Please don't settle out of fear. He deserves to find someone who loves him - and so do you.

Emptyeggcup11 Sun 16-Mar-14 11:07:47

It's the constant sulking that is bringing me down I think. It's easier said than done finding new social avenues particularly when I'm so remote but I can't relocate because I can't take the children far from their father. I volunteer for several groups but the people I meet are not people I would necessarily socialise with as nice as they are. Finding an intellectually compatible partner is difficult at the best of times. I suppose I seem like I'm moaning and not doing anything constructive but the fear of being alone again is unbearable. I don't ever want to be in that place again.

Squeegle Sun 16-Mar-14 11:11:05

What about Internet dating? Tried that?
The sulking is such a red flag. My ex did this, it got worse, would last for days- like living on the edge of a cliff or something. Definitely don't let him move in, even if you keep seeing him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 16-Mar-14 11:35:49

"It's easier said than done finding new social avenues particularly when I'm so remote but I can't relocate because I can't take the children far from their father"

Who has stated that you cannot do that; their father?. Why can't you relocate?. Why can't he travel further?.

How did you find yourself so isolated in the first place?.

New man needs to be ditched; you do not love him and you really do not want to show your children that a loveless relationship is actually normal. Is that what you want to teach your children about relationships; the nonsensical notion that it is better to have somebody, anybody male for company no matter how unsuitable they are than to be on your own?.

You and this man are already both arguing and his way of solving things is to sulk. That is a horrid trait in a person. Please do not flog this dead horse any longer. Children also need a more suitable stepfather than this man.

Love your own self for a change and work on rebuilding your self worth too as that seems to have taken a real battering.

By remaining where you are (and to my mind you should relocate to a more urban area) you remain trapped in a situation partly of your own making.

tribpot Sun 16-Mar-14 12:17:36

I don't ever want to be in that place again.

What, alone? I think you need to face that fear and overcome it - you will be doing yourself a disservice if you put up with someone purely because you're too scared of being alone. No way to live, is it?

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Mar-14 12:19:47

Oh god, OP, I live on my own and it's far, far preferable to living with a sulker.

If you have to stay near to your ex, does that mean he has them overnight at all, so that you can go out?

Have you thought of doing something like Open University so that you can meet people in that way?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 12:24:57

Of course you can relocate. I don't know where you are in the UK but nowhere is so remote that you couldn't travel 20 or 30 miles before hitting some kind of civilisation. I think you're not quite in the independence mindset yet. This is your life on your terms where you are #1 priority... and that means standing up to The Incredible Sulk, ex husbands and anyone else that gets in the way of you finding happiness and fulfilment

When you say you're financially independent and don't need to work, do you mean you inherited money at some point, live on your savings or do you mean your exH funds your lifestyle?

hamptoncourt Sun 16-Mar-14 14:40:47

OP why do you find being without a partner "unbearable?"

I think you should explore and examine that or you are at risk of repeating the same mistakes over and over, getting involved with any bloke just for the sake of it.

Do you feel sorry for single women? Do you consider their lives empty, or is there some background as to why you feel you need some kind of emotional prop?

I guess what I am trying to say is, what is it you feel you are lacking that means you find your life unbearable if you don't have a man in tow?

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