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Shall I leave him to it?

(23 Posts)
Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:02:03

For the last 7 years I have followed my DH around the world while he swapped jobs every 2 years ago. He came home last Friday and said he may be made redundant soon and is now talking about returning to a country we left 3 years ago. I've had enough we have 2 DC both at secondary who have each gone to 4 schools in 3 countries and I think its time to put them first. I am now making plans to return to the UK and let him get on with it. I don't know what effect it will have on our marriage . I doubt it will survive but do you think I am wrong to sacrifice our marriage for the sake of the DC stability or would you put your DH first? For the record he is not entertaining looking at any Uk jobs at the moment purely focussing on international jobs although in his defence there are not many opportunities available at his level and field in the UK.

Offred Sun 16-Mar-14 09:03:28

Dc first always.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 09:06:02

I don't think it's unreasonable for the DC to come first for a period of time whist his career has been put first for 7 years.

I don't think it should ALWAYS be dc first but under the above situation yes for the rest of their secondary education and teenage years being settled etc is so so so important and he can bide his time for what 7 years at the most?

Only you know if all this moving around is good or bad for your DCs. Presumably they are picking up language skills and a really varied perspective on life, but on the other hand now they are in secondary they really need to make sure they get some decent qualifications under their belt. But it does sound as if it's the DCs turn for a bit of focus and stability.

Casmama Sun 16-Mar-14 09:08:42

You are going to move the children anyway. Is it because you can be sure that a move to the uk will be the last move for the rather than another temporary one?

Have you discussed this with him?

elastamum Sun 16-Mar-14 09:12:40

I think you are right to put your DC first. I know a number of people in your situation. If he gets a new job there is no guarantee you won't be doing the same again.

A lot of corporate employees children end up like middle class refugees. There was a study some years back that looked at the effects of this on older children and it wasn't positive.

Why not try to see if there is a compromise? I know a number of people who now mon-fri in Europe and come home weekends to avoid moving their Teenage DC

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:13:10

Thanks Offred and Randommess for replying . I do feel guilty that I will be taking the DC away from DH and vis versa and I think this was largely why I went along with the last move even though I wasnt happy about it but I have had enough. I am dreading telling the DC they will have to leave their friends again and I am just not prepared to do it again after this . They need some security and I need to start my life again . I haven't been able to work in this country due to visa problems but the 2 other countries I had to give up jobs both times when we moved.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 09:15:39

It sounds like you need a very honest discussion with your dh and to get through to him that the constant moving is not good for the dc and it is turn to compromise and let the rest of you have a turn at what you want. Good luck getting through to him.

Hissy Sun 16-Mar-14 09:17:50

Would the country he is considering going back to enhance or erode your dc chances at life.

If their education was from that country, how would it stack up against a uk education?

Would you all be able to live there legally and to a comfortable level?

Could you settle there? Do you still have friends there? Would you be able to pick up/establish your career there?

Only you know the answers to these questions.

Or is it that your relationship has hit the buffers, due to your life and that of your dc being shunted down the list of importance in comparison to that of your H?

Hissy Sun 16-Mar-14 09:19:30

I also think your dc sound old enough to participate in the discussion. This needs to be a whole family decision.

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:24:12

Casmama that is exactly my point I am almost certain if we moved again with DH the youngest DC would almost certainly end up moving again as he has another 5 years of education ahead of him . They have benefitted from international experience but I think we are definatley on Diminishing returns and the country my Dh is talking about returning to we have already spent 3 years in. I am unlikely to get them into the same school again as it is massively over subscribed so may have to compromise on schooling for the DC and yes they still have friends there but I am just over it all now . We have a house in the UK, can afford to send the DC to private school and choose the school I want them to go to here. I have deliberately ring fenced the money so know that we can afford to finish their schooling here in the UK it's just I will have to do it without DH.

slartybartfast Sun 16-Mar-14 09:26:45

if they are secondary i think they shoudl probably stay put. one place or another.

Hassled Sun 16-Mar-14 09:29:50

I think you're absolutely right that the DC need to be settled for their Secondary years - but yes, discuss it with them. You say the youngest has 5 more years of schooling - could you cope with staying in the current country with or without your DH for another 5 years?

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:29:54

Hissy I do think a family discussion is needed Unfortunately DD is about to start her GCSE's and we don't want to mention it yet in case it upsets her and disrupts her studying. I wouldn't mind 4 months ago she wanted to go back to the UK and I spent ages persuading her how it was better to stay in her present school for continuity!

higgle Sun 16-Mar-14 09:31:06

Could they board in uk so you can stay with dh and work on your marriage? I also think the children should be involved and decisions made as a family.

CadleCrap Sun 16-Mar-14 09:33:59

Would boarding school be an option?

Lweji Sun 16-Mar-14 09:35:47

I'd be discussing possibilities with the dc and getting a feel for what they actually want, as a family, and you two to sort it out as a couple.
Is it really for the children or are you fed up of moving or of your husband?

For such a move I think you need to be very sure of your motivations.

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:36:18

Hassled if I could I would love to stay here for the DC they love their school but the cost of living is higher here than the UK, also I would have visa problems and I personally for my own sanity need to work which I can't do at the moment although there may be ways round this with the right visas . If I only had my eldest I would definatly look into this as she only has two years left of education but the youngest has 5 and its just too high risk . Also I am not sure how I would feel being here by myself , safety is an issue and although I do have friends they are fellow expats and likely to leave themselves

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 09:45:01

We have discussed boarding school for my eldest but she was definately against it . I think my main problem is the lack of control over my life people change jobs all the time and if you were back in the UK it wouldn't impact on the DC or possibly even you but as an expat my DH's job rules our lives as its his job which provides our visa,education package, housing package etc. it's a nightmare . I think I just want to claw some control back over my life but mainly I worry that we are ruining our DC's future

BeforeAndAfter Sun 16-Mar-14 09:51:25

Thought I'd give an expat brat's POV.

I was an expat child due to my dad's job. I went to 10 primary schools. When I was 12 we moved to Saudi and I was sent to boarding school in England 'for a settled secondary education' which was the most miserable time of my life. I thought it utterly pointless to be banished from my family when I'd always been to good schools wherever we lived. I became deeply unhappy and Mum came home and then I went to day school and Dad returned shortly after. Any sign of me being troubled just vanished once I was back home.

I loved my childhood. It was secure and filled with love. Mum made every place a home so it didn't matter the town or country I was in - I didn't notice - it's what I knew.
Home was where my Mum and Dad were.

Discuss all the alternatives with your children - I would have hated it if my parents lived apart because of me. If you do leave don't make their education the reason - they'll blame themselves and think it pointless.

Your children are probably outgoing, confident and able to make friends easily, not to mention open-minded and adaptable. There are a lot of positives to a childhood like theirs.

RandomMess Sun 16-Mar-14 09:58:04

So you need to be telling your dh that the current lifestyle does not suit you at all and you need to have a say in your life again - that is completely valid! If he doesn't take that on board and discuss alternatives then is your marriage over?

BeforeAndAfter Sun 16-Mar-14 10:03:37

I would just add that if you want to move because of your personal needs/desire to separate then be clear that that's the reason.

For the record, my education didn't suffer at all other than when I returned to the UK and was a year ahead of everyone.

Expatedout Sun 16-Mar-14 10:18:14

I would like to return to the UK but my ultimate drive is the DC and their education . I just can't stand continually turning their life upside down. . Having to be the new boy/girl make new friends, gaps in their education etc . If they weren't in the equation or were younger I would definately have been more receptive to another move . The DC are confident but I know my eldest finds change difficult and the age they are they need stability. Thanks for your input beforehandafter it's good to hear your expat experience was enjoyable. I definatley won't be sending my DC to boarding school as I would miss them too much (obviously more than my DH by the looks of things! Who I am quite happy to send to another country!)

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