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What kind of relationship is this?

(614 Posts)
annaomar Sun 16-Mar-14 01:16:16

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

saffronwblue Sun 16-Mar-14 01:18:58

This does not sound like a marriage. You are providing him with sex and money at his convenience and being completely exploited.

Abbierhodes Sun 16-Mar-14 01:22:52

Why don't you live together?

Doinmummy Sun 16-Mar-14 01:26:04

I certainly wouldn't call it a marriage that's for sure.

Did you expect to live separately ?

What did you expect when you married him ?

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 16-Mar-14 03:09:30

Three and a half years of this weird half-marriage and you don't want to 'leave' even though you wouldn't actually have to leave because you don't live with him because it might hurt him. What about your feelings; thoughts; needs; dreams? He could be married to someone else.

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 16-Mar-14 04:28:58

Hi op. I was married to an Arabic man who was by no means great but that's a different thread. But your post shouts of being taken for a ride. Not living together? Him spending little time with you, angry when questioned? Accepts money from you?
Of course he can seem genuinely caring and attentive for limited amounts of time when it suits him. Some people are very adept at this and, without tarring all Arabic men with the same brush, IME there are some Arabic men who seem to have this skill particularly well honed.
Can I ask why you got married so quickly and live apart? Do you have children/ any plans to have children? Feel free to PM me as it sounds like you are losing yourself in this situation.

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 16-Mar-14 04:32:23

btw, he is hurting you. Why put value on his happiness above your own?
Laughing at your feelings is not an act of love.
Not all Arabic men are like this, I have met some lovely Arabic men who are great friends and partners to their wives, and have honest relationships.
Listen to your radar too..if you think there are other women, there probably are.

NurseyWursey Sun 16-Mar-14 04:34:42

Where did you meet him OP?

He's taking you for a ride sad I'm so very sorry but this isn't a marriage.

GoldfishCrackers Sun 16-Mar-14 04:36:19

Getting angry when questioned is very bad. It's designed to shit you down. Why are you worried about his feelings more than your own?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 06:09:32

This is not an 'Arab man thing' this is a 'taking you for a complete fool thing'. You're a wife in name only and it's a marriage in name only. You're a convenient woman, he's using you, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has a few other gullible females on the go at the same time. Wake up and smell the coffee... hmm

SavoyCabbage Sun 16-Mar-14 06:12:58

So who is he living with? His mates? Or his mother?

I don't think you can 'blame' it on being an Arab either. Being a twat, yes.

ItIsAnIdeasGame Sun 16-Mar-14 06:56:10

Are you for real? This is not a marriage.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 07:03:04

Out of interest, what would happen if you said you were going to move into his place for a few weeks? Give a more traditional marital set-up a go? What would be his reaction, do you think?

AFishCalledBarry Sun 16-Mar-14 07:16:15

OP why did you marry him? How old are you? Have you been married before? I'm sorry, but this is no marriage in any culture (that I'm aware of).

ihatethecold Sun 16-Mar-14 07:16:19

Why did you marry him?
Talk about him having his cake and eating it.

He really has the best of both worlds.

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 16-Mar-14 07:21:19

Op I hope that you come back and post. I found some mums net responses quite, er , direct when I started posting, but I needed it and it helped me get perspective back

twofingerstoGideon Sun 16-Mar-14 07:21:29

Marriage of convenience?
(Sorry, OP, if this is way off the mark.)

akaWisey Sun 16-Mar-14 07:27:26

Eh? hmm

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 16-Mar-14 07:28:47

And in my experience, the staying up late with tea drinking friends transpired into casinos, weed and hanging around with opium smokers that were using prostitutes....not my ex h, of course, hmmmm...

FanjolinaJolie Sun 16-Mar-14 07:28:50

Are you legally married?

lavenderhoney Sun 16-Mar-14 07:33:14

Why did you marry? He sounds awful whatever nationality he is, tbh. What do his/ your family think of this bizarre arrangement?

You've put up with it for a long time. Stop giving him money, why would you do that anyway? He doesn't even live with you! You aren't being over sensitive. Quite the reverse!

Logg1e Sun 16-Mar-14 07:35:09

What form did your marriage take?

ravenmum Sun 16-Mar-14 08:35:47

My aunt lived for 15 years with a man who spent a lot of time travelling for business purposes. He did not like to give her information about exactly where he was or what he was doing, making her feel as if she was being unreasonable for asking. One day she found the passports of three young children he had with his wife. My aunt could not understand it, as he lived most of the time with her. Is there any chance that you could unknowingly be in a similar situation? Did you have a Nikah marriage, for example?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 16-Mar-14 09:00:06

OP you say you 'love him very much'...... what exactly do you love? The anger when you ask where he's going? The way he takes money off you to spend on self-indulgent crap? The Saturday nights he generously allows you to spend in his home? hmm

You say he's an Arab man. Are you in his home country and he's selling you a load of horse-shit about local conventions? Or are you in the UK and it's a different type of horse-shit? Also, do you have friends or family that you can talk to? Surely they'd tell you this set-up isn't normal?

Hissy Sun 16-Mar-14 09:33:04

Love, sorry, but he's treating you like a retained hooker!

Who the fuck taught you that this is all you're worth?

I suggest if in the uk this was for papers, or he's gay and wants the marriage as a cover,

Do you go out as a couple? Do you know his friends?

This isn't right. Pull back and get out of it.

Sorry, but this is all wrong. You're worth SO much more than this.

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