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Are there any decent men out there ?!

(260 Posts)
lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 15:13:22

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

MaeveTheRave Fri 17-Mar-17 21:24:37

So true. Married friends have reprimanded me for OLD !! Ive been told "the way to meet men is through friends". I felt l8ke saying :"which friends? Cos you're my friends. A lovely single colleague fixed me up on a blind date with her brother! We liked each other as friends. But I appreciated it.
It is very hard to meet men "through friends" confused
It's OLD or stay single forever I think.

PollyPelargonium52 Fri 17-Mar-17 07:19:14

I get this too as a single parent. Couples and wives shun us socially but generally I find single parents and single women without children far more interesting company to start with. In general that is.

I am always up for hearing from people who live near me and are single women or single parents if anybody wishes to message me! I am in my early fifties have a 12 year boy and live in the middle of the country. Without stating exactly where I live.

Perhaps we could meet as I scarcely know any independent women who don't have a boyfriend where I live. They don't seem to know how to function without one, even if they choose not to live with them they see them an awful lot. Up to them of course but does not leave me with any social options. Also meet up is a bit limiting where I live so that website isn't an option.

Sorry if I am going off the point of the thread!

oliviaoatcake Fri 17-Mar-17 06:50:08

17/03/2014 15:44 MadeMan

"...but when I ask them to name me some decent single women they know and could introduce me to, blank faces."

It could well be why men go for younger, less encumbered women but I think it's down to looks personally.

Ive noticed though that if you take any sample of friends, they all seem to be similar, so all single or all married - it's very rare that couples mix with singles (unless the single person is newly single where previously they were in a couple). It's the same with the child-free and thise with children. People just dont mux because their lifestyles are different.

That's why as a single childfree woman, I know lots of other single childfree women. I dont know any single childfree men though and couples wont socialise with singles.

Anybody else feel this?

Loving dogman by the way!

PollyPelargonium52 Fri 17-Mar-17 05:26:38

There is also an occasional man out there who has potential but needs coaching and steering in the right direction on a subtle level.

If you can be bothered that is.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 15-Mar-17 19:32:45

I was losing the will last year - another idiot guy who didn't know what he wanted messing me about. Was about to give up then went on a date with my now BF - hot, lovely, bright, thoughtful, fun, feminist (!!!) and just utterly wonderful! Just celebrated my 40th together back at my parents and they think he's fab too.

I think there are good guys out there but it takes perseverance and that means having rock solid boundaries and not putting up with crap so you are in a good place when a nice guy does come along.

(Obvs this could all go tits - but it's been brilliant so far!)

PollyPelargonium52 Wed 15-Mar-17 10:51:41

The problem is some of these single men do not branch out and mix/socialise so they do not realise they need to work on themselves and just generally cheer up. Of course a bereavement will run its own course but if they aren't ready they shouldn't just rush after a woman to fix them they should take time to recover and join something. Meet up dot com or gym/squash anything.

HebeBadb Tue 14-Mar-17 11:20:49

Give me a divorced man any day of the week. Sorry for multiple posts there. That experience totally changed my perception of widowers.

HebeBadb Tue 14-Mar-17 11:19:45

ps, wriggled out of that after about 6 or 7 dates and blocked him on WhatsApp and POF. A while later he created a new POF account and contacted me with a sneer to ask if I'd met somebody better than him yet.

HebeBadb Tue 14-Mar-17 11:18:23

I went on a few dates with a 'new' widower and it was awful. (She'd died about 15 months earlier) After about 5 dates he was really clingy and suffocating, and made me feel like I was being too fussy not to continue dating him. I tried to end it and he managed to persuade me that as I never got past 3 dates I just didn't know what real life/relationships were, unlike him of course. I know all widowers are different but he needed a raft and therapy. Even though I hadn't considered introducing him to my kids he was implying that he would have to think carefully about whether he wanted to be around somebody like me confused He made me feel like some malevolent female presence his kids would need to be protected from whilst simultaneously trying to lock me down through guilt and inferences that I was delusional not to cling to him.

merville Sun 12-Mar-17 16:28:23

Just for extra info. one guy was cheated on by his wife. The other man is a widower (long-term) and while he seems to be a good partner in many ways, it does appear that recovering fully from his bereavement is still an issue, it's not been all plain sailing for them.

merville Sun 12-Mar-17 16:24:48

WFTW (wait for the widowers) - I couldn't read that without commenting that I went out with a widower for about 18 months and he was the most controlling, jealous, possessive, insecure, prejudiced, sexist guy I've ever tried to have a relationship with (also explosive & verbally abusive when annoyed - which was almost everytime I socialised on my own). He seemed like a dream at first, took 3 months before the facade started to drop. Should've ended it when I first started seeing it but subjected myself to another year or so, due to loneliness and putting myself under intense pressure to be in a relationship.

In fairness though, he had been widowed approx. 11 years and had had several (failed obviously) relationships, so perhaps the above is still true, but only if it's relatively recent.

On the general subject I know a couple of women who've met good partners in their 40's and 50's - it's a numbers game. One met hers when she added an entirely new hobby to her life. The other socialises in a very driven way. It takes time and opportunities; my view would be if you're not meeting someone; keep expanding and diversifying your activities & circle ... what people have said about fining someone when you're not (desperately) looking is also prob'ly true.

Mathena Sun 12-Mar-17 15:04:28

So true esoteric. Im sure my x looks wonderful on paper

BoringUsername17 Sun 12-Mar-17 14:57:58

My experience of my STBXH and dating other men in their 40s is that they are selfish and self-obsessed. Us girls were brought up to be considerate and helpful (I think the Brownie motto included wording about helping other people?) and the boys weren't, IMHO.

Esoteric Sun 12-Mar-17 13:27:25

This is very difficult to say. I'm sure if my DH came 'on the market' many of you would think he was heaven sent, the problem is it's a rare man or woman even who tells you the bad shit and why someone left them immediately, so you get around to discovering someone is a bit of a shit many years down the line in some cases

Mathena Sun 12-Mar-17 13:20:04

"I have dated two VERY good ones though. One just didn't feel I was right for him, and the other I felt he wasn't right for me. "

This is the worst that happened to me OLD! and I learnt a lot from it.

Mathena Sun 12-Mar-17 13:17:27

I enjoyed OLD though. I just see it as a night out. Only met one WANKER in 18 months. He was a pilot. So I asked for it.

Mathena Sun 12-Mar-17 13:15:19

how does a man define a 'decent woman'?

I'm seeing somebody who is not perfect, he talks incessantly but he is definitely a good guy and I am happy to listen to him make a short story long so long as it's not about football. But I read this thread and I think about how decent women seem to outnumber men by about 100 to 1. I feel like me and this new guy are equals and we are but if there's a scarcity of good men and no scarcity of good women I don't want to risk getting attached to somebody I'll end up losing. Scary stuff innit.

JK1773 Sun 12-Mar-17 13:10:00

Yes they are out there but not easy to find. I was single about 18 months, tried OLD but was just awful, I mean truly bad. I read a post on FB from an old school friend complaining about women on dating websites baring too much flesh etc. I happened to comment on it, conversation flowed, been together about 4 months and it's going great. Weird way to get together and I don't think we would have otherwise as we don't (didn't) socialise in the same areas or live too near each other. It really does happen when you least expect it. Do you connect with old school friends? That might be somewhere to start

PollyPelargonium52 Sun 12-Mar-17 12:01:32

I think it is virtually impossible to find somebody viable in our forties and fifties at least that is what I have found. I am 53 attractive and educated but most single men have support needs too high for me to be remotely drawn to them in the relationship department.

An occasional one may be nice out there but he is invariably spoken for or in an unhappy relationship and cannot get round to leaving the wife for a variety of reasons so it is still hard work/bit depressing. It is also quite risky getting involved with a married man needless to say. Since you will always be on the fringe/potentially left out a good lot of the time etc.

All in all quite shit. sad

littleunderdog Thu 25-Jun-15 12:04:14

If you want to find lovely men in your forties and fifties you have to try very hard, look in unusual places and be willing to settle for someone who is kind and wonderful company but not necessarily incredibly handsome or wealthy. They often have awkward body-language, too, from years alone/difficult twenties, that you have to ignore. It changes when they become happy. Why not try a folk festival? For instance Sidmouth? If you go along by yourself total strangers will be friendly and single men will dance with you.

Janette123 Thu 25-Jun-15 09:24:48

lemonbabe,
"Are there any decent men out there ?!"

Yes !

I had to wait years before I met my second husband, but it was worth the wait.

Why are you "separated" and not divorced? IMO until you have let go of one relationship you aren't ready for the next one...

Trills Thu 25-Jun-15 08:06:16

They don't have the same depth of emotion that we possess

Do remember that we are a very self-selecting group here.

Your exes might not have the same "depth of emotion" as a group of women:
# who choose to participate in a conversation abut relationships
# on a website known for its in-depth analysis of such

That doesn't mean that the distribution of feelings is not similar in the male and female poopulations.

Also "depth of emotion" sounds reallly wanky. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who claimed to have a higher-than average "depth of emotion", I imagine they would always make everything about them, because they feel things more than other people.

Loobyloo15 Wed 24-Jun-15 08:44:50

Short answer. No there arnt. You just have to find one who has the least issues confused

Holowiwi Tue 23-Jun-15 22:26:57

Nothing wrong with looking for someone slim if that's what your attracted to, there is no point pretending otherwise. It's not like you can't find slim people with all those positive personality traits listed.

britneyspearscatsuit Tue 23-Jun-15 19:53:53

I'd agree a lot with Velvet

I have been single (ish) for a while and find that there's efinitely a higher proportion of men who fit into a few categories:

1) The ones with big flaws that mean no one snapped them up yet
2) The ones who were awful to their FIRST wife and are dovorced for a reason
3) The ones who are bitter from their divorce / have unimaginable baggage that's more than you can cope with

I have, in the last couple of years I have been on dates with maybe 20 men.

A large portion fitted into each of the above categories.

I have dated two VERY good ones though. One just didn't feel I was right for him, and the other I felt he wasn't right for me.

I think there are good men, just a much smaller proportion than there was when we were younger :/

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