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Are there any decent men out there ?!

(282 Posts)
lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 15:13:22

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

KidsDontThinkImCool Wed 19-Mar-14 08:32:17

Relaxin OD is hard! I tried it too for a while with some success (ie a quite a lot of dates and one guy who I ended up seeing for couple of months) but ultimately I'm still single and really not sure OD is for me. I think speaking to someone by text and then saying you've met someone else isn't so bad. Until you've actually met and know if there's any real chemistry it's ok to keep your options open. BUT..then being nasty to you about it is horrible. Big red flag and sounds like a lucky miss with that one!

Like Alice I would much rather be with someone that I get to know through other channels and have as a friend first, but having male friends at this stage of life doesn't really seem to happen.

I definitely think there are a lot of men and some women who need to attach themselves to someone else very quickly! The guy I was seeing briefly last year WAS lovely. He was kind, we enjoyed each other's company, he cooked for me, he adored me, he was a good dad to his kids....I could so easily have said, yep, this will do. But, I knew I would never truly fall for him and chose to go back to being single. I think some people in that situation would have happily carried on.

FolkGirl Wed 19-Mar-14 08:32:42

If my experience... is anything to go by.

Really need to proof read better...

PollyIndia Wed 19-Mar-14 08:44:59

I met a lovely guy at a wedding in January. Early days, but he is definitely a decent guy whether or not this works out. He lived with my friend getting married so am surprised we hadn't met before.
And every time I see him I like him more - pretty sure the feeling is mutual.
Whatever happens here, this has given me faith in a) my ability to fancy people (I thought that might be broken!) and b) that there are lovely men out there, just as there are lovely women. And you only need 1!

olathelawyer05 Wed 19-Mar-14 10:18:30

"They don't have the same depth of emotion that we possess...."

You mean like how women don't have the same capacity as men for logical reasoning, and so just spout nonsense based on what they 'feel' - as per what you did with the above statement?

CrushedCan Wed 19-Mar-14 10:24:08

Men....... I am SICK of men. Met a guy at the gym nice guy, muscles, good looking and HE wanted MY number BUTTTT I overheard him saying to his friend the next night that he just needed 'sex' and that he 'didnt want a girlfriend' safe to say I am keeping away.....far far away! UGHHH why do I attract mosquitoes?!

KidsDontThinkImCool Wed 19-Mar-14 10:25:41

Yeah I'm not sure I agree that they don't have the same depth of emotion. But I do think many men (and some women) will accept something that ticks lots of practical boxes in order not to be alone even if it doesn't tick all the emotional ones.

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 10:45:50

he just needed 'sex' and that he 'didnt want a girlfriend

Yeah, obviously some guys just want to have free sex - which I suppose is why it's worth waiting till after a few dates to get a better idea of what type of a guy you're dealing with.

If he's only after sex, he won't be 'entertaining' you, and you'll know it's time to move on - fast !!

FolkGirl Wed 19-Mar-14 10:51:39

They don't have the same depth of emotion that we possess....

I don't know. I see the sort of person my 15yo son is and I can't believe he's going to turn into one of these arses. But who knows. Maybe once he's got his full complement of testosterone it'll make a difference, but he's very sweet and sensitive; possess great depth of emotion and likes sweet 'natural' girls.

And I know a few married men who've been married for years, who say the most beautiful things about their wives and who have never cheated, even when it's been offered to them.

I just don't know many of them and the ones I do know have been married to the same person for a very long time. I just don't think there are a huge number of decent single men after, say, 30 or so.

I know 2 men who've been with their wives since they were 18 and 19. They are now 39 and 47 respectively, and another who's been with his wife since she was 16 and he was 19. They clearly still love each other very deeply.

niceupthedance Wed 19-Mar-14 11:07:36

I'm not even looking for a 'proper' relationship and I am despairing of the men I've been in contact with this year. It seems there is a real problem with flakiness, they say one thing and do another, I am finding it hard to even get a date with someone I fancy.

OD guy asked if I would meet for a drink, I said yes, asked him if he was free at the weekend (on Tuesday), he ignored my message until Friday afternoon (!) when he had apparently exhausted all other avenues. Great, no thanks.

Guy at a gig, practically forced me to take his number (his phone was dead so couldn't take mine), then ignored me when I got in touch.

My shag buddy who I have been in contact with for a year increasingly behaves like he is doing me some kind of favour, makes plans then blows me out (he's in the bin now).

I despair of meeting someone I fancy who fancies me back. Surely it shouldn't be this difficult??

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 11:29:00

It seems there is a real problem with flakiness

I too am seeing a lot of flaky men - no substance at all. Couple of weeks ago I guy practically hunted me all the way through a business event. Chatting, asking questions, seemingly interested, complimenting me - you name it. Next day, he sent me an email to which I responded, then..... nothing !!!!!!

I'm wondering is this an ego stroke exercise for men who've been 'out of action' ? They pick a woman and see if she responds to their (bad) courtship displays - I just have no idea.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 19-Mar-14 11:39:36

I met someone in January and, so far, the signs are positive. It is still early days, things might not work out but he is renewing my faith in men. As I have had two long term relationships where i've picked complete arses, I am on high alert for red flags and such like and so far there is nothing. The one thing that sticks out like a sore thumb is how incredibly easy everything is between us :-)

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 11:44:48

Fingers crossed PURSUIT...... sounds promising :-)

Not sure how long you have to wait for red flags ??!! I started a relationship last year, it was lovely - all good. Red flags started after 3 months in and I'm talkin' B-I-G bright red flags that'd have you running for the hills.

KidsDontThinkImCool Wed 19-Mar-14 11:55:01

so lemonbabe were there no signs at all before that? Nothing you looked back on and said, 'oh yeah...' ? Or was he just on best behaviour up until then?

KidsDontThinkImCool Wed 19-Mar-14 12:08:50

erm teacher replied, "X was in front of you, he does therapeutic work that's how I met him. He's a really nice guy and good fun." Now what? I'm so bad at starting a conversation with someone I don't know. I'm fine once I get going but terribly shy with folks I don't know. Best I think I could manage is to try and make sure I'm near him in class and smile. That's not going to cut it, is it? confused

(plus I looked totally dreadful last night, one of those my face & hair are in a complete state & i don't give a f*ck so of course here's a nice handsome man. typical)

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 12:25:14

KidsdontthinkImcool He was lovely before that. I thought I'd died and gone to heaven. Never had that kind of complicity or fun with a guy.

One friend said he was 'too keen' ?! Apparently that was a sign ?!! He was thoughtful, said lovely things, did lovely things (sent flowers to the house), put his hand in his pocket always.... 3 months later and I thought I was in a low budget bad movie with his behaviour.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 19-Mar-14 14:32:27


I know...The problem with having arses for ex's is that you are almost waiting for the bubble to burst hmm Towards the end of my last relationship and in the gap between my ex and my new man, I have done a lot of soul searching and reading (Codependent No More, How to Heal a Broken Heart to name but a few), sought advice, have had counselling etc etc as I was aware the common factor in my previous relationships was me and that I made bad choices. In doing so I identified the reasons for the choices I made, tried to address those as best as I could, and also what I wanted from a new relationship and the type of person most likely to offer that.

Quite out of the blue, I met someone who, on paper, ticks some of the boxes I earmarked but also there is great chemistry. The one good thing about my situation is that as much as it feels right, we can't jump in (which would be easy to do) as I am in my final year at Uni and I have live in childcare so I can't get carried away and have him move in or whatever. My situation at the moment is self-moderating how things progress and he is being really supportive about my studies, ambitions, kids etc and has a life and interests of his own. Both of us are being cautious as we do feel positive about meeting each other but want to go in to things at a deeper level if/when the times right with our eyes wide open.

PS. I've been there (what you said above) and it took me 3 years to get rid!

lemonbabe Wed 19-Mar-14 16:24:46

Pursuit It's difficult not expecting the worst I know, but you have to keep an open mind and most importantly be optimistic. We've all been moulded by our experiences good and bad and I think we've all probably had our fill of @r$es !!

Taking things slowly is the best option - get it right, don't rush things. I know it's difficult when the relationships new and you're maybe wanting to speed things up, but I don't think it is the best option either.

I'm so glad for you, you seem to have found someone sincere and lovely. Hope it goes from strength to strength.

geezerhere Wed 19-Mar-14 16:50:43

Are there any decent women out there?

FolkGirl Wed 19-Mar-14 17:03:33

I think I'm decent geezer. smile

I suppose it depends what a man's definition of decent is though...

The defition of a 'decent man' upthread seemed pretty universal so I'm guessing there'd be a similar pretty universal definition of a decent woman.

geezerhere Wed 19-Mar-14 17:19:29

And Im sure you are decent!

I like to think most people are decent.

BeforeAndAfter Wed 19-Mar-14 17:32:05

Geezer, don't be too judgmental/defensive. This thread is a snapshot of the (mainly) bruised and battered (typically by men). That's all. Your comment is a bit like someone going to AA and asking if there's anyone there who's not been blind drunk once in their lives.

The one thing that most all of us have is hope. Hope that we will find a partner who chimes with us, hears us and reassures us when the pain resurfaces so that we can love again. It's a primal human need. That's all.

RandomInternetStranger Thu 20-Mar-14 20:51:35

I would love to sit down & have a frank discussion with each of my ex's for research purposes.

Questions like:

"When you contacted a mother in my daughter's school class whom you had never met asking her for a threesome, are you that stupid, inconsiderate, disrespectful, immature and that big a wanker to all your girlfriends, or is it something about me that gives of an "It's ok to treat me like shit, go ahead" vibe?"

"When you stole approximately �7000 from me, what was it about me that told you it was OK to do that, or have you stolen from all your previous girlfriends and been a sponging leech all your life?"

"When you threw me down the stairs, broke my nose and hopped on top to have your way knowing I was crying & in pain, was that me, did I somehow ask you to do that without knowing, because your previous & current girlfriends all claim you never laid a finger on them so what is it about me that said this was OK?"

"When you shagged my only friend in a 300 mile radius when I just moved to the area, for you, so I ended up here completely alone, was that me, did I somehow give off some sort of "I don't mind if you fuck my friends" vibe?"

"When we split up and you went to my boss and clients telling them I was an alcoholic annorexic kiddy fiddler and I lost my job working with children, were those lies you tell about all your girlfriends and you really are that evil and twisted, or is that behaviour reserved for just me and what is it I did to deserve that?"

At some point I have to accept that either all men are a waste of space and should just have their sperm harvested for procreational purposes then shot in the face to rid the world of a major blight on society, or I have to think it must be me and I'm giving off a vibe that tells men they can treat me like this. I honest to god can not work out which it is because seriously I'm a lot of things but I have never deserved the above. I haven't cheated on these guys, I don't beat them, I never spread shit about them, I'm not high maintenance, demanding or a nag, I'm very laid back actually, and when I'm with someone I am loyal, supportive and kind to them... I do not know what I am doing wrong. So it's either me, or the men. I have asked friends & family & they all say I am not perfect, I have my faults, but I don't deserve that and they can't work out why I attract it.

KidsDontThinkImCool Thu 20-Mar-14 21:52:01

Hey Random, of course you did not deserve any of those things. If the men in your life have treated you this way it is because they are abusive, manipulative men. But just as it is not you, not all men are abusers either. I'm so sorry for what you have been through, but it sounds like you could really do with some counselling to work through what's happened and get to a better place. Right now I sense so much hurt and anger and self-doubt (and I suspect that men who are abusers will play on that). You need to get to a place where you know the only man who deserves to be in your life, is one who is going to treat you with kindness and respect.

RandomInternetStranger Thu 20-Mar-14 21:58:36

I give up Kids, whether it's me or them I'm just staying away from them from now on. I'll use donors for procreational purposes and avoid anything more than an occasional casual unemotional purely physical fling. In all honesty I don't think any amount of counselling with the best team of phychiatrists in the world is going to sort this mess out after all that and those are just the main ones, over 20 years of dating there's been a lot more. I just give up!

lemonbabe Thu 20-Mar-14 23:21:12

Random that's a lot of very bad stuff. At what point whilst all these events/things were taking place did you think 'this is very very wrong ?

I certainly don't want to judge but when you accept bad stuff from bad men they'll lay it on even thicker. Were you scared of this man ? Rule no. 1: when a man scares you he shouldn't be anywhere near you, if you can't handle it yourself, get the law involved. If he doesn't scare you, take his sorry arse and kicknit out of your life... Forever.

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