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Are there any decent men out there ?!

(282 Posts)
lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 15:13:22

I'm in my early 40's and separated. At first I was quite excited by the thought of meeting a normal, loving man and building a future together. Fastforward a couple of years down the line and a trail of failed relationships/dates and I'm becoming more and more disillusioned with men. It seems virtually impossible to meet someone who's not already taken, gay or mentally unstable. Is it the age ? Is is modern life ? Is it men being @rses ? Or all of the above ? It's hard being a single parent, doing everything alone. Friends are great of course but I'd love to meet someone special. I just feel too young to throw in the towel and begin imagining the rest of my life alone. Anyone feeling the same ?

anapitt Sat 15-Mar-14 20:14:01


NearTheWindymill Sat 15-Mar-14 20:17:06

I haven't been single for 25 years. When I gave up looking I found one - in fact rather like buses I found when I didn't need or want one three turned up at once.

I think you have to enjoy what you have and develop your own interests and life and grab it if it happens but make a lovely life for yourself just in case it doesn't.

It isn't the be all and end all. If anything happened to DH I really don't think I could be arsed.

MamaPingu Sat 15-Mar-14 20:18:32

That's what I'm working towards, making a gorgeous home and lovely life for me and DS smile

I'll be so proud once I've done it all by myself! Then like you say when you're no longer interested someone pops up out of nowhere grin

MamaPingu Sat 15-Mar-14 20:36:52

I want to hear single success stories grin

Where people have thrived and made a really good life for themselves. I worry I can't make it on my own financially and emotionally at times!

flower909 Sat 15-Mar-14 20:49:44

Nearly right velvet spoon, only you seem to have replaced the word "people" with "men". Most single people in their 40s have a lot of baggage that would normally be offputting to prospective partners. You may get lucky but invariably the older you get the more both partners have to compromise on their "ideal partner" list (or stay single).

lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 21:22:35

ha ha ha ha ha "single for sex years..." That's a long time !!! I've been single for just over sex weeks and it's bloody killin me !!!

Maybe men have always been this flaky, pathetic, unreliable. It's just that a generation or two ago, most women didn't have a choice to get up and ditch them, so they shut up and got on with it. My ex was as emotionally stunted as they come - big time, which is why things went awol. He caused me a lot of emotional pain - I don't miss him one bit, but I still hope for a loving partner and family life.

greenviews Sat 15-Mar-14 22:24:01

I feel the same and it's depressing.

I've got friends and some of them say what do you want a man for? You're doing all right on your own, got your independence. Funnily enough they are all the ones that have that loving supportive relationship with their partners. They've got it, why can't I hope for it too? I just don't want that feeling of always dealing with everything on my own.

I don't necessarily want to live with a man, I have a young child and they are my priority. It's just knowing that someone really cares for you isn't it?

I've had awful relationships all my life. I take responsibility for it, I should've picked better and bailed out as soon as I saw the red flags, although I didn't know of that term at the time, unfortunately.

I met someone a year ago who was so different. Very attentive, gentle, no temper, all the positives. As it turns out instead of the mad rows, dramas, etc his speciality is ignoring me totally after a disagreement. It can go on for weeks. Now it's over, I'm very sad, I thought I'd chosen wisely this time, but no.

It doesn't help when you look at the photos on dating sites and all the men look so unappealing one way or another, I feel it's not even worth joining up.

I'm pushing 50 and it hit me today that actually, this might just be it, single forever.

lemonbabe Sat 15-Mar-14 22:41:35

"I just don't want that feeling of always dealing with everything on my own" -
Feel exactly like that. I'm financially independent, have a wonderful lifestyle, fantastic kids, great friends, stable job/income, loving family, blah blah blah, but there are times I feel so bloody alone and just out there. Doesn't help hearing about friends in couples doing this and that at weekends ... where's the family life I was promised ??!!
Last time around I chose for the right reasons. Nothing physical or shallow. Seemed like a good, caring person with depth. In fact he turned out to be a bitter, twisted, feckless liability. Not sure age actually comes into it though.... reading here it seems right across the board. More like modern attitudes to relationships and lack of stamina to see things through when things become a little less than rosy.

greenviews Sat 15-Mar-14 23:06:30

Same here, you'd think they'd be queuing up wouldn't you?!

I really think a lot of the men on the dating sites are just after a succession of shags, making up for lost time. Or if they're not, they are emotionally stunted in some way and just not thoughtful, kind and really after long term. As you say, they're off at the first hint of a problem, in my case anyway. It makes me seriously wonder about trying again, it's all such a gamble with our hopes and emotions. When I split with dc Dad, I was happily single for 4 years. Now 2 relationships down the line, 3 years and 1, I don't think I've got the heart to try again, much as I would love to have someone there for me, I'm wondering if it's worth all the agonies!

hoboken Sat 15-Mar-14 23:11:00

Too busy enjoying freedom to think about wanting a man in my life.

greenviews Sat 15-Mar-14 23:14:38

Lemonbabe, sorry about your ex. I too chose for the 'right' reasons this time. I wasn't swayed by looks alone, he seemed kind and really went out of his way to 'court' me. It was lovely, just what I needed. It turned out he was kind, very kind to his bloody ex, running after her non stop and I ended up way way down the list, and it all got too much. Then he shut down and the silent treatment kicked in. Why do these men put themselves up for a relationship if they can't cope with one? How are we supposed to know all this about them?!

VelvetSpoon Sat 15-Mar-14 23:16:58

There's an awful lot of crap out there.

And the ones who are lovely, intelligent, sporty, handsome like the one I just broke up with and pretty much the perfect man, are then not perfect due to some fundamental flaw (in his case, that he wants to be on his own. Possibly for ever).

When people express amazement at how I, with so much (apparently) going for me, can be single, I have to say ^^ this is why. The lack of any decent alternative.

Beckamaw Sat 15-Mar-14 23:33:46

Must be!
I bagged a fabulous one. You can't have/ borrow him grin, but there must be others.
I have a twatty ex-H, proper Mumsnet red flag bingo! Seriously, DP is a complete legend.
Men with kids are a better bet, IMHO. Childless men are usually cocklodgers, especially 40+. Avoid!

susiedaisy Sat 15-Mar-14 23:39:55

I agree op. It's seems to me that all the decent ones are spoken for.

JamRok Sat 15-Mar-14 23:45:59

Having tried online dating and speed dating for a year now i've experienced my fair share of time-wasters, photos that are years out of date, odd characters, even the odd nutter! (Male perspective to bring some balance wink )

Darkesteyes Sat 15-Mar-14 23:58:04

I will never never internet date.
Interesting article in Psychologies last month agreed with me. You cant gage chemistry through a computer screen.

MamaPingu Sun 16-Mar-14 00:07:59

Yeah I was having a think about the crazy and difficult women nice men will have to put up with grin

Maybe instead of just wanting sex, not wanting to commit and running off at the first sign of trouble there are women who've planned the wedding before even meeting the groom, have extreme trust issues and are possessive! There will be women out there with just as many flaws as the men wink

aroomofherown Sun 16-Mar-14 00:09:58

I think there are. I'm 42 and been single most of my life.

Met a bloke - he's separated - a year ago through a friend. Thing is, he's not perfect. I have my doubts. But he is def a good guy, kind and giving. But: got to insist., he's really not perfect. However, he is always there for me, is kind and is consistent.

There are good people everywhere. Single or no. Depends what you are looking for. Don't give up.

NB; internet dating, in my experience, is a bit like searching for a needle in a haystack and has to be treated like an adventure

aroomofherown Sun 16-Mar-14 00:19:50

greenviews there will always be men! Age is nothing. You are not too old to consider a relationship, if you want one.

I half expect to be starting a new relationship when I hit the retirement home, seriously. We might age but we don't change that much I reckon. Everyone likes a bit of flirt, attention, companionship. There will always be men.

maleview70 Sun 16-Mar-14 00:53:34

Internet dating to men is like the worlds best shop that ever opened....why buy one car when you can test drive a new one every week! I actually heard that quote from a recently separated colleague.

Men in their 40's who are newly single are often from relationships that started when they were very young. It was quite normal to get married young in the 80's and early 90's and some of these fellas want to sow the oats they never did when they were younger. Add that to mid life crisis, loads of baggage and fading looks and I can see why it is so troublesome for you ladies!

People often say men get better with age but I disagree. I think women look after themselves much better. I was looking on a dating site recently with my wife (her sister had just joined so we were having a look for her) the blokes were not an appealing bunch on the whole with little to catch the imagination and looks that let's say were fading. The women on the other hand, on the whole were witty, intelligent, many good looking and had more interesting things to say about themselves. I actually felt sorry for the choice they had.

I am sure there are some decent ones out there but in general it's a world that stacks heavily in favour of the man.

AcrossthePond55 Sun 16-Mar-14 02:43:35

All I know from being around my DH's friends is that some men in their 40s look WAY ABOVE their level when they are looking for a woman. Two of DH's friends, lovely men really, became single in their early 40s. All they would look at were 20-something goddesses with no kids. Seriously? Both of them were solid 5s on the 1-10 scale & no 20-something was going to give them the time of day. I tried to fix them up with perfectly nice single friends in their 30s-40s. But this one 'had kids', that one was 'too chubby' (yeah, and you aren't, Mr Beergut?), this one wasn't 'that hot'. Sheesh! I finally gave up.

So yes, there are nice men out there, but I think a lot of them don't really know what a 'quality' woman really is. They only know what they think they want.

Frankly, I've decided that if I should ever become single again, I doubt very much if I'd want to marry or live with someone. It's taken me over 25 years to get the one I have trained right. I don't have enough lifespan left to train another one!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sun 16-Mar-14 07:01:47

I don't think anyone really expects a man to be perfect. I'm not perfect, I certainly don't expect it from someone else.

I do, however, expect a fair level of decency, kindness, and honesty, among other things.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Mar-14 07:27:26

I have to add to this thread. I have so many gorgeous, intelligent, funny female friends all mid to late 30s like me who are completely disillusioned with the dating scene.

They do a lot of online dating and the difference in calibre really is unbelievable. So many lovely women and a long line of awful weird guys to choose from. Maybe one decent guy who is probably only there for a laugh.

They tell me that the guys have v high expectations when it comes to looks and treat the women like crap although they are b interested in the sex. They basically want supermodels with money!!

If DH and I split god knows what I would do. I think I am with him for the fear of the alternative sometimes...

MamaPingu Sun 16-Mar-14 07:28:38

Does anyone else feel like they can't be bothered incase it turns out they've lied to you the entire time?

I have a DS to think about so I don't want the depression that inevitably comes when I get an inkling they've cheated then they promise and promise they haven't until I pluck up the courage to send them packing! hmm

arsenaltilidie Sun 16-Mar-14 07:29:05

In general decent men don't stay single for very
They have to be single for more than 3 months and less than year give or take.

Outside this bracket they tend to be players or are single for a reason.

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