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Can't carry on like this...can't find the strength to change either(12 Posts)
DH has got a temper.
He's always had a temper.
Things have escalated recently and he's becoming more and more abusive.
I want to make things work but I can't do it anymore. I'm no angel but with 3 dc the eldest being 3 yo home life is hard.
He will leave if I ask him to.
I can't imagine how I will cope. He is very hands on and does more than his fair share of the house hold tasks. Ie he does all the laundry, half of the shopping, walks the dogs twice daily, and whatever else needs doing he just mucks in. I can't fault him there at all.
Financially we are not rich, but he happily leaves me to sort out the finances, and say what's left in the pot.
He won't take any responsibility for his actions...classic victim blaming, saying I drove him to it, it's all my fault.
Once he goes past the point of no return, it's frightening.
I could deal with the verbal, but now it's changing to throwing things at me, and or a shove. Physically intimidating me by squaring up and shouting in my face "go on hit me"
We have been together 12 years.
Financially I won't be able to stay in our new home which we bought 6 months ago, and I'm due to to return to work in 6 weeks from mat leave, but wouldn't be able to if I ask him to go now, as I earn less than the cost of child care for 3.
I can't cope on my own and have no RL support on a day to day basis.
It's a mess.
I feel cold, broken and numb.
Would he go to anger management counselling via his GP?
Previously his attitude is that counselling won't make a jot of difference, "I am who I am" type of thing. He had some counselling after his father died for depression, and he thought it was bollocks, but did it as he was signed off work.
I've arranged for someone to look after the DC tonight, and need to find the strength to say he needs to get help or we need to split.
I am going to do this somewhere public, so there is no risk of him flying off the handle.
You can't make it work. Only him.
He also doesn't care because he knows you don't want him to leave. You do need to find a solution, even if you have to leave your job and stay with the children.
Rent out the house, whatever.
If you have a chance for him to change is for him to know that you will kick him out. Even so, I suspect it won't last.
Anger management won't help someone who is abusive.
Does he only lose his temper with you? If you say you'll tell the police does he stop? Does he only do it when you are alone?
If any of that is a yes then he isn't losing his temper, he is choosing to be angry at you and make you a victim.
No matter how hard the practical stuff is, it's a lot easier than dealing with physical abuse and he is escalating his behavior.
This is do hard for you to deal with and I am very sorry for you. The easiest book to read on this is Bancroft's why does he do that? You should also google how to have a safety plan and an exit plan as these may become relevant.
If he loses his temper with everyone all the time then you will have to think about how to deal with things like him losing his job or friends or legal problems from fighting.
Take care of yourself.
You're absolutely right OP, you can't go on like this. It's not a healthy or safe environment for your children to grow up in and if it's deteriorating, you're right to address the problem now.
You would be entitled to some benefits if he leaves, which may ease the financial situation and enable him to find somewhere else to live.
Having said that, your later post shows you're actually scared of him - I wonder if that feeling would ever actually go away even if he does agree to some sort of counselling.
My stbxh claimed it was an anger management problem and depression, that I (and the kids) wound him up, pushed his buttons, stressed him out. He only went to counselling initially because I demanded he go while we were together - then came home and told me that the counsellor had told him that until they sorted out why he behaved that way and came up with a plan to fix the behaviour, that I would just need to "put up with it." I think not. Soon after he stopped going to counselling, as he realised I wasn't buying the nonsense he was telling me.
If it was anger management issues alone, he would be raging at everyone or anyone - at work, in public, as well as at home. Funny enough, it was only when we were alone at home or in the car that it happened. Never anywhere else or at anyone else. That is abuse that he can control, he just doesn't want to.
Make sure you have your finances (if joint account) lined up properly before you tell him, and any important paperwork put aside where he can't find it (passports, birth certificates, and so on), so he doesn't just flit out with it all.
I agree if you're afraid of his reaction, then either do it at home with another person present or do it somewhere that he might be less likely to make a scene.
OP it was always my fault too..like alice said, I was pushing his buttons or deliberatly winding him up. I asked him once why on earth would I do that, knowing that he'd fly into a rage and scream at me or throw things, push me (once while holding DD1), why would i deliberatly 'push buttons'. His answer was that I obviously liked him to act that way. He not only lost me and our DC because of his nasty, arrogant, abusive behaviour, he lost his job too.
They can only change if they choose to change. Mine didn't think he had anything to change..because in his warped mind it was all my fault he was like he was.
Agree the best time to tell him is in public if you're worried about his reaction. Good luck x
He is in complete denial about what has happened. The children where very much planned and we went through years of fertility treatment and iVF but now hes rewritten history and it's my fault that life is chaotic.
He is mostly kind, generous and considerate, and although its a cliché a great dad.
To answer the question above it is mostly when we are alone. My sister once witnessed his behaviour and it was only mild and she was shocked.
Hope your talk went ok tonight, OP
Your sister's reaction is all you need to know.
You have become desensitised to his behaviour. Speak to Women's Aid ASAP if you have not done so already. I wish you well.
Kind, generous and considerate people don't abuse other people. The real him is the one who verbally abuses you and is violent.
Get legal advice and contact Women's Aid OP. And call the police if he kicks off again. You and your kids deserve better. NONE of this is your fault. He abuses you because he chooses to. I second the recommendation to read Lundy Bancroft, it was a huge eye opener for me.
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