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Aftermath of emotional affairs

(3 Posts)
Mefeelinglow Sat 15-Mar-14 10:49:10

DP had a EA last year, which I discovered in the summer. This was on the back of another EA about 3 years previously, which had totally destabilised me. It led me to panicky checking of text messages and emails all the time, a horrible feeling of anxiety that was around all the time. Eventually I got over that EA and things were much better till the second one started. This EA was an old (married and straight) friend of hers that she had met at a reunion. There was a constant stream of communication between them which I couldn't handle. That time, I told her that she had to leave, and we lived separately for about 3 months during which time she was devastated and desperate to come back. We got back together at the end of 2013. Things moved on a lot when she was away, in that I became a much more confident person and more independent (funny, I'm a professional W in my 30s but somehow still felt emotionally dependent on her). I felt I could cope well on my own, which seems the best basis from which to want to be together IYSWIM. So in the last 3 months I have actually felt great, thriving at work, much happier with her. BUT I realise I have done that through shutting down a part of myself, being more self-contained etc. Which makes me feel as if I really don't need her, and at the same time, I miss the sort of closeness and emotional vulnerability that I used to have with her. I have also completely shut down sexually and haven't approached her for several months (she has said she is leaving this bit to me, which I respect and appreciate).

Also despite this feeling of confidence, every 4 weeks or so (PMT probably) I suddenly get feelings of anxiety again and desperately have to overcome the urge to check her emails again. Yesterday I did and found long messages to and fro the EA (now friend).

Not sure where this ramble is heading. I know she and the EA aren't intending to have an affair (she lives the other side of the world anyway), but there was stuff that DP had said about me that made uncomfortable reading. But of course I shouldn't be reading her emails anyway, and if she was sounding off about me in the pub (which is normal) I wouldn't know about it would I? She probably thinks sounding off in the pub is more disloyal than private emails to an old friend thousands of miles away.

I know DP loves me dearly and is making huge efforts to make things work. I also know she needs her release valve of friends as I do. So what is troubling me so much? She doesn't want to leave or she would have done, she doesn't want to be with this woman. I think I'm just mourning a closeness we have lost.

Sorry about ramble.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 15-Mar-14 16:28:46

DP may love you dearly and may be making huge efforts etc but when trust goes out of a relationship, something very important goes with it. Sometimes that can never be recovered no matter how enthusiastic the people involved may be. Yes you're mourning a closeness that has been lost to someone else, but it's clear you're also anticipating a repeat performance... hence why you checked her mails and why you're keeping an emotional distance. If you're troubled it's because I think you realise that you are making too many compromises in order to be with someone that you no longer feel the same way towards.

She may not want to end it - why would she when she can behave as she pleases and you will always cave? - but, for the sake of your own self-respect, you probably should.

Finola1step Sat 15-Mar-14 20:16:07

I'm not sure that your DP is actually making a huge effort to make things work. She is still in contact with the other woman involved in the EA and is still sharing personal thoughts, including comments about you. Have I got this right or has all contact with both EA women ceased?

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