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What do I do now?

(107 Posts)
Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 03:41:05

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

papaonedge Tue 24-Jun-14 21:15:06

I just don't see the point anymore... I'm so confused, frustrated and hurt by it all.

We changed the childcare arrangements due to her wanting to accept a promotion even though it meant she'd see the children less but be more financially well off them. The judge finally signed off on our legal seperation 5 days ago which includes the child arrangements.

Then today I heard from my 4 year old that mummy wants a "new" baby, I asked how he knew this and he said her mummy talking on the phone. I called her to tell her what ds said to me and if any of it was true, she told me it's no longer my business because I'm the one who ended things and then hung up on me. I called her mum and she said she thought I already knew and had no qualms about it. Said ex-w and OM have been TTC for a couple of weeks now. I'm shocked.

I don't understand it. I don't understand her deluded and sudden thinking to have another baby with OM.

I feel so frustrated and annoyed with her, she has two beautiful children who she now only sees on a weekend and has an amazing career. Wouldn't having another baby contradict this?

Am I right to feel like this? Do I have say in this? Or at least when it comes to telling the children? She's like a different person; I don't think I know her anymore and I'm terrified that our children are going to be pushed out or caught in the middle of this vendetta she seems to have. I have no doubt she's a great mother but I just don't get her need to subject them to more change, more drama so quickly and cause more confusion.

I just needed to vent. Sorry.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Jun-14 07:03:56

Well that's something you need to work on I think. Keeping busy. I know Sundays are hard but what about inviting friends round for a BBQ. Or to watch football (there'll be lots on very soon and I'm sure your team will be involved right to the end!!). Take up a hobby or a new sport and join a group (I'd love to join a running club but most meet on Sunday mornings when I have the kids).

Keeping busy will help. It really will. But you need to put in the effort to get it organised.

It's really hard I know but you've done so well so far

Papaonedge Mon 02-Jun-14 00:45:58

I hope so!

Sundays are the worst (changed work days around so I have at least one whole day off with them a week). The house is empty without the children there. I clock watch until 5pm when I can finally pick the boys up. I've missed so many family meals because it feels wrong to have a gathering without the boys. I sit and watch TV or I'll bring work home with me. I've become a sad case.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Jun-14 00:14:04

Oh god it's the most awful pain. It is. But I promise you that if you keep going. And you keep doing good, positive things kind you are doing, you will come out if the other side. You will. But it's hell while you're in the middle of it.

Papaonedge Sun 01-Jun-14 18:57:36

Yes, she had been lying to me. She did not cheat on me twice, but had been having an affair with OM since last July. I still don't know who he is as she refuses to even discuss it. She has become very tight lipped and angry. It's like she's done a complete 180; she blames me for the loss of her baby, saying forcing her out caused her to stress and overwork herself.

My marriage feels like a sham. It is a sham. The kids are the only thing that are keeping me sane at the moment. You know, I thought that if everything was sorted, got into a new routine. I would be fine, that I'd just move on but honestly, I feel worse, I feel angry and frustrated. We received bad news about ds2 4 week ago and the person I wanted to lean on, and talk to, blames and hates me for it.

Counselling is helping but how do you get over losing not only your wife but your best friend too. If only a magic wand existed.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 30-May-14 09:44:14

Hello OP. Glad to read such a positive update from you. You sound like a good dad and a good man and I'm sorry your wife has done this to you.

I'm sure you've thought this yourself but it's highly unlikely she "only" slept with him twice before she told you, especially in light of the fact that they are in a relationship now. Not sure what that adds to the mix apart from the fact that she is more of a liar than you thought.

Good luck to you and your boys. I hope you can move forward and be happy again

papaonedge Fri 30-May-14 09:26:57

Thank you. It is so hard to smile and be polite but like you, I do it for the children and she's the same. Outside the children she refuses to aknowledge me and in a way I'm glad. I have my life and she has hers.

She never would have been able to pass the child off as mine, we always used extra-safe condoms so a split was highly unlikely and if it did she would have told me for health reasons (she was also supposedly back on the pill) and we journaled (date) whenever we had sex. I have no idea what she was thinking I am still unable to get an answer from here but my guess is, she hoped I would forgive her and raise the baby as my own.

I cannnot understand people like that either but life goes on as they say.

RollerCola Fri 30-May-14 08:43:45

My heart goes out to you papa it really does. I know the pain you are going through and it's so hard to put it aside and stay amicable for your children's sakes isn't it?

I do it, I paint a smile on my face at handover times and never say anything bad about exh to the children. It kills me but I do it so that they don't have to be any more upset.

Your ex-wife really is a nasty piece of work. She obviously knew she was pregnant then, and told you she'd slept with OM hoping you'd forgive her? And what if you had? When would she have told you about the pregnancy? Or worse, would she have passed the child off as yours?

I really cannot understand how people can treat others like this hmm

You have acted with strength and dignity and I admire you because I know how awful it is.

Good luck, stay strong, take all the help you can. It will get easier in time but look after yourself in the meantime.

papaonedge Fri 30-May-14 00:06:59

Hello, just back to say thank you to everyone for their support. A lot has happened/changed since I last updated. I spoke to a counsellor at work and still going once a week.

I found out that ex-W was pregnant with OM's baby and she was keeping it because it was her chance to have "normal PG & baby" (our children were meticulously planned due to my health status). She was only 7 weeks pregnant when we had that "discussion", sadly she lost the baby at 11 weeks. She is planning on starting a relationship with OM but she wants to wait until the relationship is serious before introducing the children and wants me there when she does.

She is now living in a 2 bed apartmant and has taken on a promotion at work which has increased her hours so the childcare agreement we had had to be changed at another mediation. We are on civil terms for the children's sake but we have filed for a legal seperation signed by us both, and discussed at mediation and lawyers we are just waiting on a court to approve it which could take a while.

As for our beautiful children. They live with me during the week (due to ex-w promotion and I've had to change hours slightly) and ex-w has them every weekend which suits us all and is working really well.

The children were very confused and upset as expected and could not understand what was going on but with outside help we are all in a good plave but it's still early days.

It's hard and heart wrenching but I'm getting thete, we're getting there.

Papaontheedge Sat 29-Mar-14 00:10:01

I have family to talk to but I'm thinking of seeing the counselor at work (my boss suggested it), not now as I'm busy with everything but later...

badbaldingballerina123 Fri 28-Mar-14 23:46:13

Hi there papa , with regards to emotions I think it very normal. Do you have support , someone to talk to ? It's important not to bottle things up.

Papaontheedge Fri 28-Mar-14 23:14:23

Thank you, everyone, for your advice. These past couple of weeks have been the hardest of my life and life decided to throw another curveball at us. We have miles to go and those emotions I was trying to hold back during this process are starting to show themselves.

We are seeking mediation (she chose who) and had our first appointment Monday. Regarding what's happening; W is still living at her parents but I am no longer helping her look for an apartment. The children are still with me and she sees them everyday after daycare and has them saturdays. At our next appointment we plan to talk arrangements.

Thank you, again.

VoyageDeVerity Mon 17-Mar-14 16:19:19

"Gender struggles" confused

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 17-Mar-14 14:37:25

Papa... Ignore the gender struggles that some posters seem to be having on your thread. I think you sound very calm and rational and in spite of the pain you must be feeling, you're putting your children first. That's all you need to do, that and look after yourself.

I think you're moving forward at a pace that you might want to reflect on at some point, to slow it down a bit, but perhaps you are a problem-solver and need to be 'doing something' to bring this to an end? However you feel about it though, you can review your circumstances at any time and if your wife is being reasonable also then you can set your own timetables for your course(s) of action.

I wanted to comment on one bit of your post that made me think that your wife isn't really ok with her decision and what she has done - and the consequences of that - that was this bit: Basically, she wants nothing to do with me (aside things that include the children) if I refuse to even try at this relationship. So, that's made things clear...

I believe that what your wife is trying to do is to push you into forgiveness by 'upping the ante'. By telling you that she wants nothing to do with you UNLES you're willing to try again, she's hoping that you will be so shocked that you'll stop and think and give her time to make it up to you, to make it right somehow. It is clear, but perhaps not in the way you might think.

I don't think that you'd regret divorcing her; some spouses just will not see a way through a cheating partner - and neither should they feel made to do so. It's your life and this is about you and her. Put the children aside for a moment as you're both looking out for their welfare - this is about your marriage and what it means to you in the longer term.

In your position I might well feel the same, wanting a clean break, decisive action and a clear-cut strategy of what will happen next, pushing my feelings deep down out of the way. In your wife's position, I'd probably feel sick. Deeply sickened that I was now a flawed person in your eyes, the person I'd made vows to, and deeply shocked at the disappointment and betrayal I'd caused. I might well do/say exactly the same thing because I'd want you to forgive my selfishness and weigh it up over the 5 good years we'd been married.

Obviously, I have no idea what's going on in your head beyond what you've posted and no idea at all of what is in your wife's. I'm just saying how I might feel in that position.

You have it all mapped out; it's clear and reasonable. You haven't allowed for the onslaught of emotions that will kick in when you've finished 'mopping up' the arrangements for your children. They will kick in though and you will need support and yes, time to rationalise exactly what your next steps will really be and how this will translate to your life from that point on.

I advise you to make no massive decisions right now, either way; they are often difficult to unpick and you don't need the extra complications and pain that that can bring.

I wish you well, Pappa, you sound like a wonderful dad, part of a team of two wonderful parents, and I'm so sorry that this has happened.

MultipleMama Mon 17-Mar-14 12:56:13

I'm sorry you are in the position.

I think 2 weeks is too long also. I hope the mediation works out. I do believe you are thinking of the DC and preffering things which do seem to be in their best interests.

Have you thought about a legal seperation instead of divorce? (For now anyway) I think you have to be seperated for a certain period of time before you can file for divorce in Germany. It's like a divorce agreement i.e child arangements, housing, money etc and if a judge signs it, it's legal binding. You file it on your own, or together. You should look into it.

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 16-Mar-14 20:01:41

He's not posted asking for opinions on his marriage. Some people say they won't tolerate infidelity and they mean it.

FabBakerGirl Sun 16-Mar-14 19:46:30

Nowhere does it even hint that Papa is letting his pride make the decisions.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Mar-14 19:38:43

That's fair enough do what you want. I'm just giving you a view that's all. You posted about it on here you are going to get various opinions.
All the best.

Papaontheedge Sun 16-Mar-14 19:35:32

Why is it so hard to understand that I don't want to be with someone who cheated? The trust is gone.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Mar-14 19:15:56

Look I just think he is jumping the gun a little that's all.

Decisions made in the midst of pain. I get the feeling it's the OPs pride that is stopping him from just taking a step back here.

FabBakerGirl Sun 16-Mar-14 17:38:24

Come on then voyage, tell us what he is doing wrong in your opinion, and what he should be doing.

Papaontheedge Sun 16-Mar-14 17:26:17

Voyage - my children come first. Always.

Signing off.

badbaldingballerina123 Sun 16-Mar-14 17:26:07

Whats your suggestion then voyage ?

Should he slink off to sleep on his friends sofa ?
Should he send the kids to the in laws and have them shuffled about until she's settled ?

Papaontheedge Sun 16-Mar-14 17:19:49

Thanks, Tribpot. I didn't see your 2nd reply until after I responded. It's difficult but I am trying to make this as easy as possible for both of us as parents not a couple.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Mar-14 17:14:52

I'm not sure he is doing what's best for the children.

But it doesn't seem like he wants to hear other opinions. Understandably, he is very upset.

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