What do I do now?

[Papaontheedge]

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

[2Retts]

You have not failed your children Papaontheedge, you were not the one who betrayed the family unit.

Who normally takes principal care of the DCs? What is their routine and how will this be affected by the current turn of events? Is she likely to fight for residency?

My best advice would be to try and keep things as civil as possible. Children need to know they are loved by each of their parents and as long as you are prepared to accommodate this, it should all be well for them.

Your mind seems to be decided about the relationship and now it is time for damage limitation for the DCs.

Routine is so very important to DCs of this age; can you maintain this (perhaps with help)? That's the real question.

Wishing you well

[EmilyJane86]

Do you still love her? Could you maybe still work through this? You've only just found out so don't rush any decisions or take any actions just yet. I would have some space from her for a few days. I know this might be difficult given your children. Just cause she cheated on you doesn't mean she has any less right to see them/care for them. I think you two need to chat. See how you both feel....maybe you can work it out. Marriage therapy may be an idea. Not condoning what she has done and I think the way you found out was horrible but the fact you both want another child together gives me hope that there might be a marriage worth saving.good luck and I am hear to talk to if you need a non biased ear to bend.

[EmilyJane86]

Also just cause she's agreed to move out now cause she cheated doesn't mean she will keep to this. Chances are she will fight to keep house and have the girls there once dust settles and age sees a solicitor. I know it's it fair but 9 times out of 10 women get to keep house and their children. Unless she is an unfit mother and you do the majority of the child care. If the house is owned she's entitled to half regardless on whether she cheated (unless your in the USA, dome states have laws that penalise cheats)

[EmilyJane86]

She* not age

[EmilyJane86]

And its not fair* sorry about typos I'm tired

[EmilyJane86]

Some* not dome

[2Retts]

Also, how about 'the boys' as in '2 DS who are 4 & 3' and 'I am filing for divorce. This is certain...'.

I don't mean to be inflammatory EmilyJane86 but I am wondering how thoroughly you have read the OP.

[wannabestressfree]

It is four in the morning!

[EmilyJane86]

Thanks wannabestressfree I was half asleep. I thought I read daughters. People divorce far too quickly these days. Also it's fair to say he shouldn't think that just cause his wife has agreed to move out now that she's actually going to stick to that. No solicitor is going to advise her to do that. Things can get very ugly in divorces. I wonder how much experience of divorce 2Retts actually has. Unfortunately for myself I have lots of experience in this department. My parent's have been married 6 times between them with 5 children produced through out these marriages. I also have two close friends going through divorce at the moment. The wife cheated numerous times and the husband was faithful but he's the one living back with his parents and she has the children. Not right but that's how it is.

[EmilyJane86]

Sorry Papaontheedge I know you have not asked for advice so the women on here can start bickering Luke children. I was just trying to say let your feelings settle before you make big decisions. I don't believe in staying married for the children but if there is still love between you then sometimes it's worth investigating time into a marriage and seeing if it can be solved. I'm sure you didn't go into marriage lightly. I hope your not feeling too bad today

[EmilyJane86]

Like*

[EmilyJane86]

And you can't just decide when she sees the kids or has them. You can't even kick her out as she has legally as much right to be there. You need to see a solicitor as does she. That's if you want to go through with divorce.

[Joysmum]

It's the usual from me, get legal advice. You can have your ideals of what and when regarding contact but you need to be compliant with the law. Make sure that you know your rights and follow procedure 100% to give the best change of achieving the outcome you want with the least risk of fuss and issues.

Of course this is a tough time for you, but it's also a time when you need to be emotionally detached and base decisions on facts rather than emotions. That's not so say you can't be emotional of course, just not whilst you're in decision making mode.

[Gudgyx]

If this was a woman writing this about a man, all we would hear is LTB.

OP, she cheated on you, she ruined your family unit, she's broken your heart. From your OP, i cant see that you even want to forgive her. If you want the kids to stay with you, tell her. Surely she'll see that not uprooting them and keeping them in as good a routine as possible is the best thing for them?

Take some time out for you though. It appears you have a good support network in your family, make sure you make use of it. They are going to be your rocks for the next wee while.

Good luck with everything.

[Lweji]

Regardless of what went on between you two, it's not for you to "allow" her or to "let" her see the children or whatever. You are showing some red flags here.
She has every right to share custody, be with the children, even to have the children live with her, as you do. In fact, your rights, or hers, do not count for much. It should be about what is best for the children.
Who does most of their day to day care? Who keeps doctor's appointments, buy clothes, feeds them, etc? If it's her, then she should be the one with them.

Get legal advice, yes. I'd advise her the same.

And I'd try to work out what is best for the children rather than your rights.

[whattoWHO]

All I would say is don't rush into agreeing anything.
Get legal advice, get your head around how monumentally different your future looks from how it appeared 24 hours ago.
Take your time.

[Papaontheedge]

Thank you everyone. To address posts.

1. We both work full-time. She works 7-3 and I work 8-4. I take them to daycare, she picks them up and on Monday my parents have them and on Friday her parents. We share the care in the evenings i.e both cook, clean and do bedtimes.
   
   
2. Cannot be with someone who has cheated. The doubts have been planted. I certaininly can't entertain the fact of having a child with her. We also both signed a prenup agreement which included certain things when one has cheated - doesn't solve the problems and we still have to sit and talk but it's a fall back.
   
   
3. I did not say she can't have contact with them and I am not stopping her from seeing them, she's their mother, they need her too. But if she still agrees to leave then I would like her settled somewhere be it at home, her parents or in a new house before she could have the children for more than a couple of nights. Is that really so unfair to ask?
   
   I just don't want the children waking up in umfamiliar places or having no proper bed. I want joint custody and this is what agreed and what will happen, I will not deny my children that. I'm talking about what happens if she does really agree to move it and has yet to find a place basically the inbetween stage.
   
   I think I've answered most thing there. I do not want to be harsh to her, she did help raise 2 beautiful children and we have had 5 good years together. I do not want her back, period, but I still love her amongst the hurt and anger, and I want to make this seperation as easy as possible for all of our sakes and with little drama.

[Papaontheedge]

As for appointments etc who goes depends on which one of us can get the time off work. Usually my hours are more flexible so I go more often than not but we try to get time off together and go.

[ballinacup]

If you're in the UK a pre nup won't count for shit I'm afraid.

[wannabestressfree]

I would just go about your normal life and routine the next few days and let the dust settle. Your wife didn't just 'help' raise two children. You might find she is agreeing to give you space in the interim but you have no right to dictate 'terms and conditions' if your marriage isn't continuing.
It all sounds very clinical very early on (and yes I would say this to a woman)

[Papaontheedge]

Well, she did help raise them, as I helped her. We raised them together. Not sure on which proper term you want me to use...

She's coming back in a couple hours. I don't know how normal we are expected to act. I'll take the sofa bed, tonight.

I am not dictating anything, I asked her to leave so I could cool down and avoid saying things I would regret, she agreed. I know she also wants the best for the children also and "uprooting" them when the living situation isn't sorted isn't fair on them to be in limbo.

We'll talk and discuss things but we won't rush into things. The divorce will be put on the back burner if things can be sorted without interference, which is what we both want to achieve and apply for divorce further down the line - when things are settled. I plan to her I won't file if we can sort things out between us. After sleeping on it, I would rather avoid courts for as long as possible.

Feeling better today, more motivated, less angry and hurt. Inhale, exhale.

Also, we don't live in UK.

[wannabestressfree]

I hope it goes well for you both

[Papaontheedge]

Thank you, I hope so too. Never expected to be in this situation, so completely clueless and at a loss on how to deal with everything.

[mansize]

FWIW, OP, I think you are coming across very reasonably on here. Good luck.

[Papaontheedge]

Thank you everyone for your input.

She won't be staying tonight. She wants to fix the relationship, I do not, so she said she doesn't want to here because it hurts her too, even though I offered to sleep on the sofa. The children are at my DB's when they come home she will do the normal routine and then go to her parents and come back in the morning where we will explain to the children.

She has always wanted to live closer to her parents and has jumped on this oppertunity. To her it was either all or nothing. I cannot forgive her nevermind forget so she is leaving.

As for the children; she will stay with her parents until she finds somewhere to live, that way we both are happy that it won't upset the children anymore than possible. They will still attend daycare and visit grandparents.

Only thing that will change is that they will spend 2 weeks with me and then 2 weeks with her and Saturdays spent on a family outing somewhere. We plan to have an agreement written up and signed by both of us.

It was so hard to remain unemotional and having to bite my tongue on a few occassions. It was awkward, tense and downright awful. I love her but she always knew my thoughts on cheating.

She is subbornly financially independant and rightly so, she has worked at her career and me at mine. The house is rented so I will pay all the bills as I will still live her and she her own when she finds a place. The only thing she requests is that we still share bills regarding the children and that I postpone the divorce in case we can make it work (I highly doubt it) but I happy to comply.

Basically, she wants nothing to do with me (aside things that include the children) if I refuse to even try at this relationship. So, that's made things clear...

Does this seem reasonable? Are we asking too much or too little of each other? Everything feels cold and distant.