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What do I do now?

(107 Posts)
Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 03:41:05

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

papaonedge Fri 30-May-14 09:26:57

Thank you. It is so hard to smile and be polite but like you, I do it for the children and she's the same. Outside the children she refuses to aknowledge me and in a way I'm glad. I have my life and she has hers.

She never would have been able to pass the child off as mine, we always used extra-safe condoms so a split was highly unlikely and if it did she would have told me for health reasons (she was also supposedly back on the pill) and we journaled (date) whenever we had sex. I have no idea what she was thinking I am still unable to get an answer from here but my guess is, she hoped I would forgive her and raise the baby as my own.

I cannnot understand people like that either but life goes on as they say.

BitOutOfPractice Fri 30-May-14 09:44:14

Hello OP. Glad to read such a positive update from you. You sound like a good dad and a good man and I'm sorry your wife has done this to you.

I'm sure you've thought this yourself but it's highly unlikely she "only" slept with him twice before she told you, especially in light of the fact that they are in a relationship now. Not sure what that adds to the mix apart from the fact that she is more of a liar than you thought.

Good luck to you and your boys. I hope you can move forward and be happy again

Papaonedge Sun 01-Jun-14 18:57:36

Yes, she had been lying to me. She did not cheat on me twice, but had been having an affair with OM since last July. I still don't know who he is as she refuses to even discuss it. She has become very tight lipped and angry. It's like she's done a complete 180; she blames me for the loss of her baby, saying forcing her out caused her to stress and overwork herself.

My marriage feels like a sham. It is a sham. The kids are the only thing that are keeping me sane at the moment. You know, I thought that if everything was sorted, got into a new routine. I would be fine, that I'd just move on but honestly, I feel worse, I feel angry and frustrated. We received bad news about ds2 4 week ago and the person I wanted to lean on, and talk to, blames and hates me for it.

Counselling is helping but how do you get over losing not only your wife but your best friend too. If only a magic wand existed.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Jun-14 00:14:04

Oh god it's the most awful pain. It is. But I promise you that if you keep going. And you keep doing good, positive things kind you are doing, you will come out if the other side. You will. But it's hell while you're in the middle of it.

Papaonedge Mon 02-Jun-14 00:45:58

I hope so!

Sundays are the worst (changed work days around so I have at least one whole day off with them a week). The house is empty without the children there. I clock watch until 5pm when I can finally pick the boys up. I've missed so many family meals because it feels wrong to have a gathering without the boys. I sit and watch TV or I'll bring work home with me. I've become a sad case.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 02-Jun-14 07:03:56

Well that's something you need to work on I think. Keeping busy. I know Sundays are hard but what about inviting friends round for a BBQ. Or to watch football (there'll be lots on very soon and I'm sure your team will be involved right to the end!!). Take up a hobby or a new sport and join a group (I'd love to join a running club but most meet on Sunday mornings when I have the kids).

Keeping busy will help. It really will. But you need to put in the effort to get it organised.

It's really hard I know but you've done so well so far

papaonedge Tue 24-Jun-14 21:15:06

I just don't see the point anymore... I'm so confused, frustrated and hurt by it all.

We changed the childcare arrangements due to her wanting to accept a promotion even though it meant she'd see the children less but be more financially well off them. The judge finally signed off on our legal seperation 5 days ago which includes the child arrangements.

Then today I heard from my 4 year old that mummy wants a "new" baby, I asked how he knew this and he said her mummy talking on the phone. I called her to tell her what ds said to me and if any of it was true, she told me it's no longer my business because I'm the one who ended things and then hung up on me. I called her mum and she said she thought I already knew and had no qualms about it. Said ex-w and OM have been TTC for a couple of weeks now. I'm shocked.

I don't understand it. I don't understand her deluded and sudden thinking to have another baby with OM.

I feel so frustrated and annoyed with her, she has two beautiful children who she now only sees on a weekend and has an amazing career. Wouldn't having another baby contradict this?

Am I right to feel like this? Do I have say in this? Or at least when it comes to telling the children? She's like a different person; I don't think I know her anymore and I'm terrified that our children are going to be pushed out or caught in the middle of this vendetta she seems to have. I have no doubt she's a great mother but I just don't get her need to subject them to more change, more drama so quickly and cause more confusion.

I just needed to vent. Sorry.

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