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What do I do now?

(107 Posts)
Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 03:41:05

I'm new here. My DSiL thought this would be a good place for me to find advice. And my family are old fashioned and biased excluding my DB & DSiL and though they try to help, they are not.

Yesterday, I left my DW. I found out, well she told me, that she has slept with another man, twice. And the only reason she told me is because I brought up the subject of wanting another child.

She told she wanted another also but had to confess she cheated because she did not want to bring a child into this world for things to backfire later and me blame her for having the baby out of guilt. When asked why, she said it was in the moment and the impulse of something dangerous and feeling wanted.

We -have- had a great sexlife, we experimented and I never neglected her needs nor her mine. I do not believe it is my fault, she cheated end of, but maybe I wasn't doing something she thought I should me. It's a bloody mess.

I told her to find somewhere else to stay the night and that it was over. I do not condone cheating, it has left me with doubts whether she's done it before and if this man was more than just a 2-night stand. I cannot live like that, I cannot fix the past and I do not want to repair our marriage which she has destroyed and I do not wish to pretend for the children. I am heartbroken and clueless as to what I do now.

She is the one that cheated, she is the one who has to move out, she has agreed to this. Now to the sensitive issue; our 2 ds who are 4 & 3.

I do not want my children to leave, they have routine, they are settled in daycare and are happy. I do not want to cause them anymore confusion than I have to. How do I approach the subject of the children staying with me at home?

I am happy to do joint custody but not until she is in a stable environment, that's not to say I won't let her visit them and her have them, she can, just not for a few nights. Can I do this without sounding like the bad one?

My family say I should keep them with me and let her visit at set times but it's not that simple is it?

My DB & DSiL say they'll support me whatever but that's no help at all.

I am filing for divorce. This is certain but we need to sit down and discuss things involving the children.

Any advice on how I should talk to her about these things? And any advice on how to help the children? I feel like a failure as a parent - having been raised by old fashioned parents and having some of the same ideals, I feel like I have failed them.

Sorry for the rant. insomnia

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 18:11:39

Thank you everyone for your input.

She won't be staying tonight. She wants to fix the relationship, I do not, so she said she doesn't want to here because it hurts her too, even though I offered to sleep on the sofa. The children are at my DB's when they come home she will do the normal routine and then go to her parents and come back in the morning where we will explain to the children.

She has always wanted to live closer to her parents and has jumped on this oppertunity. To her it was either all or nothing. I cannot forgive her nevermind forget so she is leaving.

As for the children; she will stay with her parents until she finds somewhere to live, that way we both are happy that it won't upset the children anymore than possible. They will still attend daycare and visit grandparents.

Only thing that will change is that they will spend 2 weeks with me and then 2 weeks with her and Saturdays spent on a family outing somewhere. We plan to have an agreement written up and signed by both of us.

It was so hard to remain unemotional and having to bite my tongue on a few occassions. It was awkward, tense and downright awful. I love her but she always knew my thoughts on cheating.

She is subbornly financially independant and rightly so, she has worked at her career and me at mine. The house is rented so I will pay all the bills as I will still live her and she her own when she finds a place. The only thing she requests is that we still share bills regarding the children and that I postpone the divorce in case we can make it work (I highly doubt it) but I happy to comply.

Basically, she wants nothing to do with me (aside things that include the children) if I refuse to even try at this relationship. So, that's made things clear...

Does this seem reasonable? Are we asking too much or too little of each other? Everything feels cold and distant.

RandomMess Sat 15-Mar-14 18:17:07

I think 2 weeks at each house before switching is too long for the dc, I would say 1 week at most which could be midweek to midweek not necessarily at the weekends.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 18:39:06

We would be switching midweek, but meeting on Saturdays for a dayout if no plans have been made.

She wants more than a week with them, and posters have said I can't demand or make "terms and conditions" to suit me. Maybe 2 weeks are too long at first but I don't want to rock the boat, she already caused a fit when I suggested they spend the first 2 weeks with me to let everything sink in.

Onesqueakywheel Sat 15-Mar-14 18:43:40

Just a thought but rather than the children having to change houses every two weeks couldn't the two of you? If you both agreed on a flat then you could both each spend two weeks in the flat and two weeks in the house. It would be a lot less disruptive for the children I think.
Good luck though.

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 18:51:21

One week periods might work better because they are more regular. They would know that each weekend there would be a swap.
I'd forget about family outings, if that means both parents, unless you are in very good terms. It may end up being too painful and not necessarily better for the children.

Lweji Sat 15-Mar-14 18:55:00

Also, she can't lay out the rules any more than you can. A compromise has to be reached. And to be honest, taking the children away from their home for two weeks now, at the same time as they learn about their parents separating doesn't seem like a good idea.
If she's throwing fits, it looks like she's not that reasonable. You can insist on your point of view if it's for the children's benefit.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 18:55:20

We need our own space and I don't think sharing another property is high on our list. We are both angry. She is angry that I will not try and wants little to do with me and I am angry for obvious reason and for the fact that she has no bloody right to be angry at me.

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 15-Mar-14 18:58:05

I too would caution against family days out . I think your best bet is to proceed in a business like manner and get legal advice asap.

She is not to be trusted at the moment. Are you sure she was actually at her parents house ?

PortofinoRevisited Sat 15-Mar-14 19:00:54

2 weeks with each is far too long for such small children.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 19:04:35

Lwe - We were good friends before we married and hope to be again for the children and our own sake but like you say things are still very raw. She wants to be on civil terms as do I but it's hard right now.

We agreed that if she wants the two weeks, that they spend the first 2 at home. That's why we added trying to do the family thing to break things up a little - we may need to revisit and make things simpler...

Who knew how complicated just agreeing could be!

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 19:13:50

Yes, she was at her parents. Her mother called and demanded why her daughter was on her doorstep crying. Her parents said they would put her up.

I trust her with the children. I do not, however, trust her to be faithful again.

I'm afraid she would see me seeking legal advice as an aggressive move. I don't even know how to go about it...

Tiredstilltired Sat 15-Mar-14 19:37:53

What your dw has done will have minimal if any say on what happens now to your dc. Just because she had an affair does not mean you dictate what happens now.
You sound cocky and smug.

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 15-Mar-14 19:42:31

He's done what all women on here are told to do with a cheating spouse , make them leave so they have space to think.

He's hardly smug.

Gettingmeback Sat 15-Mar-14 19:56:17

Tired if OP was a woman who has just found out her husband cheated, she'd be encouraged to do everything the OP is doing like setting clear boundaries and keeping things business like. He's hardly smug. He's obviously hurting and your comment is nasty and inflammatory towards someone who's life is being turned upside down. Shame on you

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 20:00:00

I am neither smug nor cocky. Do you really think I take pleasure in upsetting my children and ending our marriage. Let me tell you, I don't.

I have been accomadating to her wishes regarding the children but trying to be reasonable. I don't want them my kids staying in random new places, I don't think this is inreasonable and obviously everything will be discussed. I am making suggestions and offering solutions, she does not have to agree but offer other suggestions.

I am merely asking for advice in how to proceed.

JonSnowKnowsNothing Sat 15-Mar-14 20:02:01

You sound cocky and smug
No, he sounds like someone who knows his own boundaries and self worth, and knows he's worth more than an unfaithful partner.
I wish I'd been so decisive when I had a cheating partner.

wannaBe Sat 15-Mar-14 20:04:41

If this was a woman posting she would be being told to ltb, make him realise what he's lost and to dictate when he can see his children. Double standards as usual on mn. (Hmm)

Op, what has happened doesn't dictate what happens wrt the dc, but neither can she. But even a week is too long and unsettling for such young children, they need regular contact with you both.

You need to seek legal advice, she lost the right to a day on that when she slept with someone else, and she will almost certainly seek advice...

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Sat 15-Mar-14 20:05:29

I sympathise, but you simply don't have the right to speak as if your children are yours to organise regardless of her wishes.

Your comments on 'letting' her see them etc. lose you a lot of my sympathy. Her having an affair won't prejudice issues of contact and residency, and neither should they.

She is probably more likely than you to get residency if it goes to court.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 20:16:28

I don't mean to sound as if I am dictating. Just like her, I don't want my children to be taking away from me. As for "letting" comment what other word would you have me use, whichever way I say it people will make it out as I'm dictating things. If I stood back and didn't say anything she would take them and "let" me visit. See?

They are her children, we are simply making arrangments regarding the children. It's what we both want.

If a week is too long, any ideas how care could be shared?

I'm thinking of contacting mediation but have to pluck up the courage and send them an email of enquiry.

hoppingmad Sat 15-Mar-14 20:21:13

I think mediation would be perfect for you. You sound like you want to be reasonable and put the dc's first which is great but emotions can flair up later down the line.
I don't think you sound smug or cocky. I think you sound like someone who's life has been turned upside down by events out with their control and that's left you detached and in shock for now.
Everything you suggested sounds like the best for the dc's. I'm sure a week at each place would be something they quickly get used to

My advice would be to sort mediation and legalities quickly before either of you move on or meet someone new as that can add unexpected issues to the mix

I'm really sorry for what you are going through and wish you all the best

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 20:22:01

I am just statingy wishes, she has stated hers, we just have to find common ground and agree on something more simple. It's not a crime to state what I want to happen even though I know it's very unlikely for that to happen because what she wants for the children count too.

She's a lovely woman and a brilliant mother. It's just difficult.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 20:27:22

Thanks, hoppingmad. All this advice is really welcome and useful.

As for mediation, do I have to ask her first, or can I enquire and then ask her if she wishes to be attend abd sort things that way? Or do they contact her? What do I do if she refuses?

Such a mes...

hoppingmad Sat 15-Mar-14 20:29:58

That I can't answer I'm afraid. My ex point blank refused to consider it and ended up not maintaining contact.
My dc's were very badly hurt. I'm glad that you are adamant not to let your dc's get hurt in the crossfire

FabBakerGirl Sat 15-Mar-14 20:37:21

She doesn't seem to get it, does she? Wants to work it out but if you don't forgive and forget she wants nothing to do with you hmm.

2 weeks with you, 2 with her is too long. It should be half the week or a week at the most. A family day each weekend is a really bad idea. It will get the children's hopes up and how is it going to happen when she has already said she wants nothing to do with you because you wont' be a doormat and accept she fucked another man?

As for sounding smug hmm. You do not. You sound sad, hurt, disappointed and calm.

Papaontheedge Sat 15-Mar-14 20:47:04

She's currently bathing the children and putting them to bed and then I'll make us a coffee and bring up mediation and get her thoughts on it.

Just speculation on my part but I think she's angry and because I'm refusing she is putting up a wall a between us. I think she thought if sje confessed, it would be okay and because that didn't happen she's hating me instead. Just a theory but could be completely wrong. All I know is that it's over but I would like to remain if not friends, civil with her. If not now, later.

I never thought about the false hope just thought it would be nice for us and the children to put everything aside for at least a day. Will rethink on that too.

Hopefully she agrees to mediation, it make it easier on us if someone is there to help us reach a medium.

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