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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Reader, I married him

21 replies

JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 22:23

I married him when I should have LTB.

Previously tried to leave, got hostel places booked, had threads on here supporting me to leave, but I got sucked back in and married him; whilst saying my vows I was internally screaming and the response in my head was "fuck no!", rather than "I do." Since the wedding, I can't bear even for him to touch me, when I haven't been able to get out of having sex I've felt like a prostitute- detatched and disgusted by it.

Am I ever going to be able to leave, or will I just spend the rest of my life wishing I could somehow escape him?

OP posts:

Report

CocktailQueen · 14/03/2014 22:26

But if you felt like that on your wedding day, why on earth did you marry him? Find that v hard to understand.

As for your q, nobody can answer that but you. Of course you can leave if you want to! What is stopping you?

mammadiggingdeep · 14/03/2014 22:27

That's sad.

Why did stay with him? Do you have dc?

babyphat · 14/03/2014 22:30

Sorry I don't know your backstory or anything but it's never too late. You don't have to settle for being miserable - you deserve someone who loves and respects you and makes you feel good. Was reading a thread earlier where people were talking about how fab their lives were since leaving exes. It's inspiring stuff. Best of luck!

lavenderhoney · 14/03/2014 22:31

Of course you can leave. Marriage is a contract, not a life sentence. How long have you been married?

Does he know how you feel? Do you have dc? And do you have anywhere to go, temporarily?

akaWisey · 14/03/2014 22:33

I think you have to leave despite asking those questions, in fact stop asking and just do it.

Hissy · 14/03/2014 22:34

So now you know, what are you going to do?

Please listen to your inner voice, please get out.

Every day with him is a day wasted.

JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 22:35

Without risking outing myself, not married very long at all. DC, SAHM, nowhere to go. Feel like I've sold my soul Faust - style.

OP posts:

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/03/2014 22:37

Does he have any idea how you feel?

Catsmamma · 14/03/2014 22:40

Have you access to any money now?

(unless I am muddling you with someone else)

JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 22:40

I don't know. He knows I'm not happy, and I've already taken off the ring saying I regretted it already, but I doubt he understands how desperately I want to be away from him. Even talking to him on the phone depresses me for hours afterwards.

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JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 22:42

I do Catsmama. Not a lot, but enough for emergencies.

OP posts:

PissesGlitter · 14/03/2014 22:43

Is there a back story or do you just not love him?

It's never too late to leave

JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 22:47

Long back story, which I think has led to me hating him. No matter what he does now, I can't imagine any future with him. I've completely lost any feeling I ever had for him.

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JugglingFromHereToThere · 14/03/2014 22:47

The marriage/wedding is more or less irrelevant in the scheme of things.
Recent family tragedy has brought life into sharp perspective here.
If you're not happy then leave and make a better life for you and your DC.
You only have one life x

Catsmamma · 14/03/2014 22:53

that's something.

Please don't waste your life and hopes

tribpot · 14/03/2014 22:54

You prepared to leave before, and made good progress before you fell off the wagon. You can do that again. Being married to him is no reason to stay. Did you do it deliberately to entrap yourself, hoping it would maybe take the choice away from you? Thank god, it hasn't.

JaneElliot · 14/03/2014 23:01

Don't know why I did it, other than to liken it to being on a moving train (a Veronica Roth Dauntless train that can only be exited by jumping out of the moving train carriage).

So much has happened that I am completely detatched from my own life, I can see it happening as though from a watcher's viewpoint, but I seem to be carried along rather than being an active participant.

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ThisLizzie · 14/03/2014 23:05

Hi Jane, you mention hostel places so I think I understand your situation and have that t shirt! Don't let him know how you feel. You need to make a plan and put it in place one thing at a time. You need to see a solicitor - then you'll have something to go on. I hope you can do this (financially) without alerting him. Then you need to make sure you have all your important documents in a safe place but I expect you know this already. You need to be strong. There is a new life for you but you need to reach out and find it. I felt as you did on my wedding day and lived with cruelty/abuse/alcoholism for 30 years until finally being strong enough to take action. There is help and support available but you need to make the first move. Good luck.

Twinklestein · 14/03/2014 23:39

This detachment sounds like 'dissociation' which is a coping strategy for stress, trauma, abuse.

The train analogy implies it felt safer to stay on the train than to jump, but that may only be your perception, not the reality. However hard it seems, the train may simply be a move to safety.

Twinklestein · 14/03/2014 23:41

^that's meant to say 'getting off the train may simply be a move to safety'.

Twinklestein · 14/03/2014 23:47

Why not think of yourself as an addict. Ok so you went on a bender, but in the cold light of day you still want to quit, so pick yourself up and get back with the programme.

Start again, call women's aid, make a plan, get social services involved if you feel you need the support. You can do this.

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