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Married men who repeatedly cheat

(47 Posts)
pillowhogger Fri 14-Mar-14 13:52:20

What on earth is going on in their heads? Particularly those who are fairly recently married and/or have young children. I am baffled.

How can you be ok to marry someone and have a child with them and continue to do that?

Why get married in the first place?

And what makes them think it's ok to lead other unsuspecting women along?

Someone I know has had numerous affairs, and in some cases people he has worked with for years have never known he had an OH/wife - let alone a baby! How can someone live such a lie day in, day out? And how can his wife not know?

Or do you think she does and turns a blind eye?

Chyochan Fri 14-Mar-14 13:58:19

God knows, theres probably many different reasons.

Kind of makes you feel almost sorry for them tho.

Its like a guy like that is barely even committed to his own life, well past the next half hour or so, must be a depressing existance imo.

Jan45 Fri 14-Mar-14 14:09:02

Flawed characters I'd say, probably want to stay faithful but it just isn't in them, get married to try and solve the problem but just carry on their cheating ways cos they love themselves more than their partners.

Rooners Fri 14-Mar-14 14:20:48

I concur with Jan.

Some people get married, have affairs as a way of separatign themselves from the commitment, then when it's all found out, go on to marry someone else very quickly, while still having the affair with the third party...they just can't commit to any one person.

No one is a winner there, unless it's the man himself. It's really sad. Their life has to be based on their having knowledge that their partner/wife doesn't have, or they feel...not sure how they feel tbh.

HelpfulChap Fri 14-Mar-14 14:28:50

Why limit it to men?

Off the top of my head i can recall 5 friends/colleagues/aquaintances over the years where it was the wife that did the cheating. Four broke up but one couple did get over it & another one (2 young DDs at the time) was prepared to give it another go but the W refused to give up the OM.

str8tothepoint Fri 14-Mar-14 16:11:28

They have no respect for anyone other than themselves, parasites that deserve to lose everything. But women chose to take them back that's what baffles me more

pillowhogger Fri 14-Mar-14 16:14:20

re: why men... it's kinda harder for woman to hide a pregnancy!

normalishdude Fri 14-Mar-14 16:35:19

Pressures to do things that people aren't ready for or want. Marriage is a social construction and a process that doesn't necessarily run congruently with people's personality changes throughout their life.

RedFocus Fri 14-Mar-14 16:56:09

Women are just a bad as men! My husbands ex left him for someone else when their baby son was only a few months old and my husband had just had a vasectomy and a car crash which had resulted in a broken back! She didn't give a fuck about him and their 3 kids. She cheated continuously throughout their whole sorry marriage. I got all the info from his ex's best mate who was just so disgusted at her behaviour she couldn't be here friend anymore.

LucyInTheSky78 Mon 17-Mar-14 14:14:24

Because they want cake.

Hedgehead Mon 17-Mar-14 14:20:33

I agree with all the above, plus money can also be a factor. Look at Wolf of Wall Street. Some wealthy men (and doubtless wealthy women) think "I have all these resources and could have anything I want - why am I limiting myself to one option?"

They find someone who they are emotionally compatible with and marry them, and of course do not want to ruin that because they want that as we'll. they want to have their cake and to eat it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 14:27:43

"What on earth is going on in their heads?"

Impulsiveness, risk-taking, thrill-seeking, attention-seeking, secrecy... Sometimes there's that self-justifying thing of 'normal rules don't apply to them'. Occasionally the rationale is that the fling is a bit of extra-curricular entertainment - a harmless hobby or relaxation activity - whereas the wife and kids represent respectability and 'doing the right thing'. I've certainly met a few men who compartmentalise this way.

NotNewButNameChanged Mon 17-Mar-14 14:31:33

Agree with other posters, it's not specific to men. In fact, I know more women who have cheated on their partners/husbands more than once than the other way around.

Johnogroats Mon 17-Mar-14 14:47:24

I have no idea...Cogito has a pretty good list. However I would agree with others this is not limited to STBX SIL is one of them... why has she gone off and had an affair and split up the family home...essentially it boils down to her being unbelievable selfish and beyond entitled. She wants it all.... I have not spoken to her in months, but apparently she is surprised that I can't remain friends shock with her.

I am just waiting for lover boy to find out what she is really like...

arsenaltilidie Mon 17-Mar-14 15:54:01

Number one reason is because sex was offered on the plate. Meanng no emotions and minimum effort.
Second reason is not getting the amount of sex they feel they 'deserve.'
Thirdly just want someone different.

All the talk of looking for a thrill, excitement, risky taking is the kind of things women would say; for most men it's just for sex.

normalishdude Mon 17-Mar-14 16:00:31

My married ex has been carrying on an affair with a married guy. They are both doing it as they are getting their (slightly unusual) sexual needs fulfilled- these needs are not met within their respective relationships.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 16:01:45

Men don't like thrills and excitement? What men are these then? LOL! One married guy I knew who was a serial shagger wore a suit & drove a very solid-looking Mercedes family saloon all week and swapped it at the weekends for an overpowered one-man motorbike and leathers.... I often thought his motoring choices were a metaphor for his love-life. smile

noddyholder Mon 17-Mar-14 16:02:06

Agree arsenal the lines men come out with when caught and wanting to repair the damage are waaay different to what they tell once divorced

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 16:03:30

One of my favourite films is Moonstruck. In it, the character played by Olympia Dukakis asks 'why do men chase women?'... and reaches the conclusion 'because they fear death'. If they're shagging, they're still alive!

noddyholder Mon 17-Mar-14 16:04:01

I think men who cheat are bored and a bit arrogant Think they can get away with it and just fancy a change. Most only stop when caught I haven't heard of many who see the light and come clean before they are caught out.

arsenaltilidie Mon 17-Mar-14 16:09:45

Men find their thrills in other things such as hobbys toys etc, they certainly do notlook for thrills in an affair.
They'd rather the ow needs as little effort as possible.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 17-Mar-14 16:13:18

Just because it's no effort doesn't mean it's not thrilling... hmm The illicit nature of organising the meetings, working out the cover story, hiding the phone, deleting the messages.... must add a certain frisson surely?

noddyholder Mon 17-Mar-14 16:14:58

I think it is thrilling to get away with it of course it is.

arsenaltilidie Mon 17-Mar-14 16:39:07

That's what women don't get, it's about the sex, End off. They maybe a thrill to the woman involved but to a man those things are just a hinderance.
When the OW decides she wants more effort ie. more contact then it's usually time to move on to the next woman.
The longest kept OW are the ones who are the quietest.

Dirtybadger Mon 17-Mar-14 16:40:44

On a smaller scale (young so no marriage, etc). My exdp pretty much flitted from one LTR to another. He had a few ONS's and such as a student but these were with people whilst in a LTR. I don't think from a young age he was ever single. Having a relationship, I'm guessing, was a defining thing for him. It's ironic really because he sabotaged the relationship with his idiocy, but really needed it much more than me. He needed a relationship, anyway, not particularly with me. And he needed it at quite an intensity.
I don't really even feel angry for all the shit he did, I pity him.
We were together 3.5 years and it's been 4 months. He's plunged straight into another relationship. Must have taken about 8 weeks off. Seems nuts to me!

I think for these people (not all serial cheats, more a sub section) their LTR's are props. They are vain people who give more weight to how enjoyable their life should appear to be than how enjoyable their life actually is. They need to be in a steady relationship for their life to seem ideal (which is important) but they need to pursue the lust and extra marital stuff to actually enjoy it; and to reassure themselves that they're desirable.
I know the above probably applies to exdp. He was a traditionalist who wanted children, marriage, own home, nice car and all the material things- despite this conflicting with other lifestyle choices. For example you can't have a flash car and clothes if you don't earn enough. Well- you can but you are living a lie and in debt. For some people, that's just fine.

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