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relationships and relocating with young children

(17 Posts)
LittleBlondeNinja Fri 14-Mar-14 13:40:38

Jist of the story is I have a nearlly 3 DS been with DP nearly a year, we live together everything is normally perfecto apart from he doesn't want to live where we are living now (where all my family are) he wants to live more near him 1 hour drive away - we did this last year for 3 months and I don't know if I liked it or not.. so we are back where we started where im from, he works I stay at home with my ds we are deffo here until august as my tenmnancy is up then and then we will go renting over his side---- my worry is my ds, have u moved when your children were young?
I keep thinking its ok because he is so young and wont have made many friends yet which he hasn't and he can make new but im worried incase things go wrong and I have to come back...

thanks

Dahlen Fri 14-Mar-14 13:56:19

At this age your DS will probably adapt to a move very quickly and easily; it tends to be more problematic once they are in school.

However, I'm not sure that moving away from your family and support network is a good idea for you, especially not with a man who you've known for less than 12 month. How long had you been together before you moved in together?

Define "normally perfecto". There are a number of possible red flags in your post about this relationship - the speed at which things became serious, the fact you are a SAHM and therefore presumably financially dependent on him, the fact that you will become isolated from family and friends if you move away. I may be wrong of course.

breaking2bad Fri 14-Mar-14 13:59:34

I would also throw in to the mix you ds' father? Is he in the mix?

daffodildays Fri 14-Mar-14 14:46:48

^ I'm not sure that moving away from your family and support network is a good idea for you, especially not with a man who you've known for less than 12 month^

I would agree with this. Why does your partner want to move? Is he commuting daily an hour each way for work? In which case, I would understand him wanting to move back, but it does put you in a vulnerable position.

I personally think that if you can't resolve the housing and living issue in a way you are happy with for you and DS then you are better out of the relationship and finding someone else who understands that, as a lone parent, you need your family and support around you.

LittleBlondeNinja Fri 14-Mar-14 14:50:36

DS dad isn't in the mix hasn't been since I left him. DP wants to move because his work and friends family etc are all over on that side, he is very attached to his mum in a big way.

We are happy, we have a laugh, he supports us as I am A SAHM, DS adores him, we were together 4 months when he moved in, my family have known him for a long time before we were together so he is safer than meeting a stranger if you understand me...

I think maybe we should move halfway so its same for us both? or maybe I should get rid!

daffodildays Fri 14-Mar-14 21:27:38

Is moving halfway doable?

expatinscotland Fri 14-Mar-14 21:30:17

You've only been together a year! Slow things down and don't move anywhere.

Cabrinha Fri 14-Mar-14 21:56:39

It's not just about being "safe" from stranger danger... It's about knowing him well in a relationship sense, and having a good idea whether your son will see a revolving door situation.
IMO 4 months is shockingly soon to move a new partner into a child's home.

How do you not know whether you liked it or not when you lived on his side of town?

LittleBlondeNinja Sat 15-Mar-14 12:01:02

I liked the area when i moved his side and everything, i have a car so i could just drive to see my family.. moving halfway would be around 20 min drive for each of us to get to our families. I prefer moving half way instead because the half way area is a nicer area than the full way to his side.

I agree things have moved very quickly but my ds has taken to him very very quickly. He does alot with ds, treats him like his own etc..

hamptoncourt Sat 15-Mar-14 14:48:33

Your posts are full of red flags OP. As expat said, slow down ffs!!!

Tell him that you will consider moving in another year if you are getting on as well then as you are now. If he won't accept this then he is being unreasonable.

Why would you relocate for someone you have been involved with for such a short time. Personally I would be running a mile from him for various reasons, in particular, "he is very attached to his mum in a big way" Yikes!!!

higgle Sat 15-Mar-14 14:55:26

DH and i were married 10 months after we met, he propoosed after a fortnight. We celebrate our 30th anniversary this year, why is it wrong to fall in love with someone quickly? i always knew I'd made the right decision.

hamptoncourt Sat 15-Mar-14 15:00:05

higgle did you already have DC from a previous relationship? I do think it changes things and that you should slow your roll when you have DC to consider rather than just yourself.

Also, you "always knew you had made the right decision" but OP is worried enough that she has posted on an internet forum for advice.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 15:36:04

Do you have some independent means or when you say he supports you do you mean financially?

Is the place you are in now the place you had before you met him?

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 15:38:19

When did you leave ds dad and what's the reason for his lack of involvement?

Sorry for all the questions, don't answer if they're too personal, I'm just wanting to get a picture of what's going on because I think it affects the best option for the future.

higgle Sat 15-Mar-14 16:00:47

No, I didn't have children at the time, but I did have to sell my house, move to a strange bit of the country and find a new job so the stakes were pretty high. I was just surprised that meeting someone and settling down quickly was seen in a negative way. When I read teh OPs post the bit that made me question the sense of the move was the comment about him being very close tohis mother - now that would have bee a big red flag to me.

Offred Sat 15-Mar-14 16:19:41

Higgle - the difference is that selling your house and moving are all actions where the consequences of your decisions will be borne by you, an adult who has exercised your choice. With little ones involved the consequences will also be borne by them, vulnerable dependents who have no ability to have input in the decisions or protect themselves or control the outcome.

If you move very quickly into a relationship where someone takes up a fatherhood role without securing the relationship between the adults emotionally or financially you are gambling your child's emotional health and financial support at very high stakes.

It may work out, however this will be luck rather than planning and the moving into a level of responsibility and commitment for the child which is unbalanced compared to the commitment to the other adult or compared to the ability to be committed (because you haven't had the relationship tested by time) can put enormous and unnecessary strain on a relationship which can in itself cause it to break up IMO.

Giving up a lot to be with someone can also put a strain on a newish relationship but the stakes are not as high. An adult just starts again if it goes wrong and there aren't necessarily any long term negative consequences other than perhaps some financial ones. Bit different with a child, consequences for emotional health can last into adulthood if it goes wrong, that's why people are concerned.

NewNameForSpring Sat 15-Mar-14 16:27:05

When we moved it was our youngest, our three year old who was the most upset. Maybe because he was less able to communicate his confusion, I have no idea. It surprised me anyway.

I agree with first of all waiting and then maybe moving halfway. Don't lose your support network.

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