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Is it over?

(6 Posts)
octopush1 Thu 13-Mar-14 23:14:37

We have 2 kids (at school, under 10yo), busy lives/jobs and have been together for 15 years. We do little together which is not child related (including sex). He is grumpy and often difficult with me but an excellent father. He has never wanted to marry. I come from pretty dysfunctional but overall happy family (lots of divorces/deaths) but have always thought I would rather live in a loveless relationship rather than split. This is a belief I have held strong to my whole life (although my own childhood was fairly happy despite ructions). Family life is lovely but as a couple we are stale and have no fun or sympathy with each other.

THEN...I met a man who I felt in love with at first sight.

I have talked to both this person and my partner about my feelings. My partner realised we should work harder on our relationship, but 2 months in life is just the same as ever. I am good friends with the other guy. We accept nothing can happen in the present situation and he is loathe to break up a family, as am I. However this experience has shown me just how bad my current relationship is and how loveless my life. My partner has slipped happily back into our current loveless state with minimal acknowledgement of our situation. But I just don't think I can. I like him less and less. I stay at work late to avoid him. I breathe a sigh of relief when he's away and I have the kids to myself.

Any advice? I think we could be very good co-parents together but can and should I try and save this relationship?

Handywoman Thu 13-Mar-14 23:31:54

Sounds like you are emotionally invested elsewhere, which muddies the water quite a bit. The two are separate (though related) issues. In what way is your P difficult to live with? How long have things been like this? Struggling to see how he can be both horrible to you but yet an excellent father?

Finola1step Thu 13-Mar-14 23:40:18

Sounds like you need to end the relationship. Be single for a while so that you can work out why your head was turned and what you really want.

Is the OM in a relationship? Steer clear if he is. If not, probably best not to do the rebound thing.

octopush1 Thu 13-Mar-14 23:51:49

Thanks for the reply Handywoman. Yes water is muddy and I just can't get perspective on it!

Partner is not horrible but rather uncommunicative and like things a certain way. He often disapproves of the way I do things but this doesn't lead to rows, rather he will just not discuss problems. Marriage is an example (although I am well over wanting to get married). He has never engaged in a conversation about marriage and I really have no idea why he did not want to get married. Literally he does not talk. I recently asked him if there was something I was doing that was particularly upsetting/annoying him and his answer was that I like salad dressing rather than mayonnaise. That was as deep as it got! A few years ago he took to not hearing me (I thought he might be going deaf) but it seems he just decided not to acknowledge conversations he did not want to participate in. He has been extremely supportive of my career and our childcare choices, which he jointly shares. He's just a bit of a grumpy old man. But increasingly it's just joyless. I'm not even particularly frustrated by it as after all these years I know there's very little I can do to 'get him to change'.

octopush1 Thu 13-Mar-14 23:53:20

No OM not in a relationship. I guess I'm trying to make a decision without taking him into consideration as it is really about the relationship I'm in.

octopush1 Thu 13-Mar-14 23:58:54

Thanks Finola1step,
Yes I've been going over and over it. Why was my head turned? Midlife crisis?? Last chance to have kids? Outlet from stressful (though excellent and fun-filled) job...??? Or just that it's so woefully lacking on the love and fun front at home. A combination of all I think.

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