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Old friendship now gone, why do I feel like a failure?

(6 Posts)
30SecondsToVenus Thu 13-Mar-14 11:03:18

This may be long, sorry.

I was best friends with a guy for several years. I always kind of knew he was in love with me but I just didn't feel the same. I couldn't figure out why he liked me so much. He was the nicest guy I have ever known and looking back, he was actually perfect boyfriend/husband material for want of a better phrase.

We were very close, went to gigs together, road trips, nights out and occasionally had a drunken kiss but it never went any further. I was an idiot and had several bad relationships with guys who were arseholes and obviously using me. He was always there to pick up the pieces.

His family weren't keen on me. They saw me as a bad influence and I wasn't good enough for him in any way. His mum was brilliant but his dad blew hot and cold with me and his sisters just didn't like me at all. His family are well off and I'm from a council estate just to give you an idea of the background.

Fast forward a couple of years and I introduced him to a friend i had met at a gig. She is lovely and they got on almost straight away. They soon became a couple and they are very happy.

Fast forward 5 more years. I have now had 2 children, a failed relationship, absolutely no career, masses of debt, very few friends left and I'm miserable and isolated.

They haven't spoken to me for nearly a year, we just lost contact and now are just on each others Facebooks with no communication iyswim. The contact got less and less after nights out where we were drinking and they decided that I wasn't good company because I would just get smashed. I absolutely agree that I was an arsehole but I was having fun and letting go of my worries and using alcohol and rare nights out to do that. I no longer drink.

They have just bought a house together, both have great careers, no children to worry about and have at least 3 holidays a year together and with their families.

I feel awful. I don't think it's jealousy but I just feel like I've thrown my life away, I have no chance of ever buying a house unless I win the lottery and I have nothing to show for the struggle I've had the past few years.

I love my kids but I just can't help feeling I should have done things differently. I should be happy for them but I'm not, I just feel so down about it.

Should I just remove them from Facebook or try and rebuild the relationship?

I don't even know if this makes sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 13-Mar-14 11:28:47

Yes, remove them from Facebook. "Comparison is the death of joy". Work on finding fulfilment & a sense of control in your own life within your own parameters rather than wasting time and emotion on pointless what-might-have-been regrets. If you think the down feeling is caused by more than the problems you're facing, do consider talking yo your GP. We could all do things differently. You've made your choices and there is nothing to say that, had you made different choices, you would be any better off.

Brodicea Thu 13-Mar-14 12:08:47

I agree with cogito - you need to try and wean yourself off the 'compare and despair' cycle, which is a recognised contributor to depression and anxiety. So consider coming off Facebook or at least hiding his posts for a bit. If you want to make new friends or deepen existing friendships, maybe look elsewhere where the perimeters were clearer - a few drunken snogs isn't much, but it does mean there was a sexual element to your relationship.

Also try and remember that
- the two of you had a lot of opportunity to make a relationship, and it didn't happen. This must be for a reason. I had a similar situation with a male friend who I had some flirtation with and when he found true love, I kicked myself for not having made it work: now years later I can see we weren't compatible and that there were fundamental differences in our inner selves, at that time, that meant it would not have worked out. If it was supposed to happen, it would have. If it was because of his family, more fool him!
- people put their best selves forward on Facebook, you're only going to see the good times in his life, not the boring evenings or the tedious arguments.
- life events happen at different rates for different people - some buy houses when they're 20, some meet the love of their lives at 50. Things will work for you eventually: you have children, you are free and single maybe there are people who are envious of you.

If you do feel more confident and still miss him as a friend, you could test the water but in my experience these things are usually best left to lie.

nessus Thu 13-Mar-14 12:20:25

Didn't want to read and run. Some sound advice above which I would only reiterate. Try and be kind to yourself. I know how hard it is to live with regret about roads taken in life. We can only make peace with our choices. At least that is what I am trying to do.

Well done for quitting drinking.

lavenderhoney Thu 13-Mar-14 12:37:09

Well done for stopping drinking.

Remove them from fb- because it can take years to rebuild a friendship ESP with a couple where you have a history with one. How would meeting up with them make you happier? It already upsets you just knowing about them from fb.

Can you try to improve your lot and make new friends? Local mn meet ups? Try to retrain for work, help your dc with new projects etc?

If you are very down it might be worth seeing your gp, and of course making a list of stuff you want to change and posting on mn to see what support you get. That's what I do/ have done and its usually very effectivesmile

30SecondsToVenus Fri 14-Mar-14 20:20:05

I'm so sorry I completely forgot to reply to say thank you. I have hidden them on Facebook and I'll eventually delete when I can.

In a way I am happy for them and I'm going to stop comparing because I really do have 2 beautiful girls and I will eventually become happy hopefully.

I see my gp regularly and we are discussing anti depressants and counselling at the moment.

Thank you

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