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And they call it puppy love....

(18 Posts)
TrueToYou Thu 13-Mar-14 09:35:25

I'm in a rush but really need some views for this situation. I will do my best not to drip feed but to be as succinct as possible.
DCs (12, and nearly 11) dad (Ex) promised to buy them a puppy. The agreement was that he paid for it and then had nothing else to do with it: I would pay all vets bills, food etc.
He took them to see the puppy, and paid a deposit. They fell in love. Breeder allowed us to visit when we liked, so a bond was formed. The weekend Ex was due to drop the remainder of the money off (£240) he text DD but she didn't get the text, so she missed him. I was abroad for my 40th and got lots of panicky messages off DD saying she'd missed her dad and he was away at a wedding so he couldn't get the money to her, and would I pay for the puppy and he would pay me back as soon as he saw me again. (Can you see where this is going? I couldn't.)

So. Along passes 2 weeks. Ex didn't show up for his Sunday access the first week, then started an arguement on text messages with DD about him not coming.
The week before, it had been Ex's bday, so he cancelled his contact that day. He text DD to tell her he was "pissed off" with her because she hadn't wished him a happy birthday.

She told him she didn't know if she wanted to go out with him this Sunday as he was swearing at her. He said "I don't care, DD, I'll just take DS out"

He came on Sunday, I intended to have a word with him, (about other things, like bringing the kids back 90 mins early and dumping them on various members of my family's doorsteps when I wasn't home) but he came 40 mins early and I was still in the shower. He hadn't left any money for the dog.
DD text him to ask him to bring the money when he dropped DS off. He dropped DS off at the kerb and disappeared. No money.

I told DD we would have to get the money for the puppy or he would have to go back, as I simply cannot afford to lose £240 I haven't budgetted for. I paid with our Easter holiday spending money.
DD had further conversations with her dad over messages, and he said "you only ever get in touch when you want something. I'm not paying"
DD pleaded and said the puppy would have to go back if he didn't pay, he said "he's not going back. I'm not paying. Don't ask again" (along with a lot of abusive "you're horrible, just like your mother" stuff.

This is a long way from being the first time he's fucked my kids' heads up, or screwed me (and them) over financially.

DD says she never wants to see her dad again.
DS says if we lose the puppy he never wants to see his dad again. BUT, if I manage to get the money to keep him, he will continue to have a relationship with his dad. DS has been very mature about this, and has said that even if his dad paid up now, it wouldn't be enough.

So WWYD?
- Take the puppy back and break their hearts? We have had him home for 2 weeks.
- Swallow the cost (family members have said they will chip in) and let my children forgive and forget (as their lives will not have changed but for a couple of days' uncertainty), and still have a relationship with him (until the next time he breaks their hearts)

I have to go to work now, but will reply on phone when I can.

TIA

Monique2013 Thu 13-Mar-14 09:55:35

Hello sorry didn't want to read and run. What a dreadful situation you ex seems to be a nasty piece of work. I would suggest keeping the puppy at the end of the day it's the kids happiness that matters. He probably had it planned all along not to pay the rest.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 13-Mar-14 09:55:45

The phrase Another Fine Mess came into my head OP, your ex is a piece of work.

I feel sorry for your DCs, your DD in particular seems to cop a lot of flak. I would be spitting feathers over these exchanges and really don't see how this dysfunctional interaction with ex is going to benefit your DCs.

It's sad when puppies are uprooted and rehomed so if you are sure that he is going to get ample attention and really fits into your lives, see what you can do to swallow the cost and keep him. Not I hasten to add as a bargaining chip with ex for contact with his offspring.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 13-Mar-14 10:13:54

- Swallow the cost. Your ex is an arsehole, but neither the DC nor the puppy should have to pay the price. Nor should your family budget, if the world were a fair place, of course... But I think the happiness of 3 living breathing creatures trumps the money, in this case.

- Examine whether DC's contact with their father can, indeed, be stopped, as he sounds like a terrible parent (and if NC continues to be what they/DD want). Your DD is bearing the brunt of a lot of behaviour that is surely very damaging to her sad

whatdoesittake48 Thu 13-Mar-14 11:13:18

I doubt you would get all the money back if you returned the puppy now anyway.

Your ex is an appalling father and treats your daughter probably the same he treats all women (my guess is this is why you are no longer with him).

he doesn't deserve to see his children and you can cite a number of times he has been a poor father. keep records because he is likely to blame you when the kids decide not to see him again - which will probably happen if he carries on like this.

Gudgyx Thu 13-Mar-14 11:27:02

I cant believe the way he speaks to your DD shock the poor girl! He sounds like a horrible horrible human being. Doesnt deserve to be a father.

I'd swallow the cost and keep the puppy. Its not your DC' fault their dad is a complete bell-end, and it might go someway to making them feel better after his behaviour.

I'd also revisit arrangements over contact too. I wouldnt like someone who spoke to my DD like that anywhere near them.

TrueToYou Thu 13-Mar-14 11:33:40

I won't let the puppy go, we all love him dearly.
But it just grates that he has, once again, left me to pick up the pieces. He never bothered with birthdays or Christmas for the first 8or9 years, KNOWING I wouldn't let the kids go without (and I was SKINT in the first years after I left him,I couldn't go back to work after having do as I'd left ex by then)
His comments "the puppy isn't going back" is an indicator that he knows I will, once again, sort out his mess.
I just don't want the enormity of what he's done to be swept under the carpet because they haven't lost their beloved pet, iyswim?
We will still have a puppy DESPITE him, and because of ME.
In truth, I'd love both kids to say they never want to see him again, but I won't be the one to suggest it.
I hope this will be the final nail in the coffin. Let him keep his £240 - see if that loves him and keeps him in his old age.
He IS damaging my kids, even before all this, so I would be delighted if they fucked him off after this.
I have VERY strong suspicions that he actually WANTS me to say "pay up or I will not let you see the kids again" So he has the "I tried, my ex/your mum wouldn't let me see my kids/you" excuse he's already falsely used.

Coelacanth Thu 13-Mar-14 12:33:18

My god he's an abusive shit of a man. One day, when she's old enough your DD will have learned exactly what kind of man this is and really will cut him out of her life. Until then is there anything you can do to protect her from this kind of abusive treatment?

Keep the puppy btw.

Matildathecat Thu 13-Mar-14 13:10:49

What a useless excuse for a father.

I'd sit the dc down and explain that you will keep the puppy but because their dad hasn't paid as he offered then the Easter spending money is gone/ reduced. They will understand. Playing with the pup is free luckily. I would imagine they will draw their own conclusions soon enough.

The expression 'you reap what you sow' springs to mind. What an idiot to lose the respect and affection of your dc like that.

Walkacrossthesand Thu 13-Mar-14 13:20:11

'Oh, BTW ex, I've explained to the DCs that we are keeping the puppy but, because you reneged on your promise to pay for it, I've had to use our Easter spending money so they won't be having the nice days out we'd planned. It's important that they understand how budgets work, don't you think?'

TrueToYou Thu 13-Mar-14 16:28:35

I hope they remember this and never forgive him.
Part of me thinks I should let the dog go so they realise the full effect of what he has done to them.
Do particularly will forgive his dad soon. Maybe Dd will be more unforgiving. Although with the latest messages he's sent, it looks like HE is cutting HER out of HIS life.
He insisted that the messages she wrote were from me. She assured him it was her writing them. To which he replied "well if it's come from you, well that's it, forget it DD"

So what's gonna happen? Him turning up at my door every week he can be arsed, and just taking ds?

coelacanth I don't know how to protect her. I'm just hoping this phase of seeing his kids comes to an end soon. He hasn't had them regularly for years. It all depends on the woman he's with at the time. When he gets a new woman he sees the kids. I believe it's the woman pushing him to get contact in some deluded sense of cementing their relationship if she's met his kids.
This woman is number... 7 or 8 that he's moved in with and has introduced my kids to,I've lost count. They only met in November. That's when he started seeing the kids again, and when Dr's behaviour began to deteriorate. sad

TrueToYou Thu 13-Mar-14 16:29:57

walkacross he won't give a fuck that the kids have to make sacrifices. He just doesn't give a fuck, full stop.

Gormless Thu 13-Mar-14 16:47:51

Sounds like the puppy will bring a lot more joy to your lives than this dreadful man. Keep dog and don't forget this further display of appalling behavior from your ex. Your kids will have noticed too, that you stepped in to save the situation. I know you shouldn't have to, and I know it's a sacrifice financially, but your kids will have noticed who really cared about their happiness.

Cabrinha Thu 13-Mar-14 17:08:21

The kids know he should have paid, and hasn't. Allow them to make the choice of dog over Easter spends. Actually, it's a great lesson than taking the dog out for free is as fun as buying other things.

They'll still have a great Easter, and you'll get back on an even keel financially.

Your daughter shouldn't have to deal with abusive texts. I would change her number. If you want him to be able to text her, make it to a number for him only on a £10 PAYG and monitor the texts. Tell him you will delete anything abusive.

Who cares if he tells people you're blocking access? Your kids are old enough for you to talk to about this. Ask them what they want. Don't fight them if they want to let contact drop.

What an arsehole he is.

Dirtybadger Fri 14-Mar-14 00:42:38

Keep the puppy and give it a name that he would never have agreed to. He's a horrible man. Instead of training it go "go weewees" use his name as a cue

wyrdyBird Fri 14-Mar-14 01:21:43

Please keep the puppy, if you can give him a loving home.
Easters come and go, but the pup will be a long term friend to your DC. Even if others let them down in life (IYSWIM).

And the little dog deserves to be loved. It's not his fault he's been used as part of a twisted game by your ex.

Your ex is being vile to your DC, especially DD. Contact is meant to be for their benefit. Not so he can show off to his GFs about what a great father he is (or whatever act he puts on for them). So if they don't want to see their dad anymore - or as often - they should at least know they can make that choice if they want to.

wyrdyBird Fri 14-Mar-14 01:39:29

....I'm sure they do already know that, btw, I only meant that you don't have to make a stand yourself, and thus walk into his trap of playing big bad ex. If you make it clear to the DC that it's up to them what happens re contact, I think that's the best you can do.

But also tell them honestly that he promised to pay for the pup, and didn't; and you did. Don't sweep it under the carpet. It's a fact.

Deathwatchbeetle Fri 14-Mar-14 07:11:40

Well at least now he won't get the "wow thanks Dad!".

I would have a sit down with the kids, explain how the easter money had to be used and warn them that next time he pulls this type of thing (hopefully not with a real live animal) you won't be able to cover the cost. Explain that it put you in an awful position (so they know about consequences).

Give DD a hug and say how sorry you are that she is getting these awful texts and that you love her lots.

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