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Trying to make some sense.(9 Posts)
I've posted before about my relationship with DH under another name but I'm still here and still can't make the decision I need to make. I thought maybe if I just listed some facts it might help get some perspective and maybe help clear my head which swings from feeling overloaded to utterly numb (when I'm managing to bury my head in the sand!)
So....He loves me, I love him. I'm not sure in what way I love him anymore. I mostly feel that I don't fancy him or want to have set with him but I do still want sex and we do have sex which can still be really good (this confuses me, it takes me ages to get going and I kind of have to switch off to start with but then I do enjoy it so maybe this is normal after 10 years?)
Part of the problem has been that he's always wanted more sex than me and has in the past been an arse about it. He's called me names and shouted when he's wanted it and I haven't. He's got better over time but tends to quietly strop now rather than shout although he does still do this. I feel like I've worn him down. He says me not having sex makes him feel rejected and I can understand that. I feel like sex is just another way of him staking his claim over me.
He gropes me as a 'joke' he used to do it all the time but over the years I've managed to kind of make him see that it's not ok, I don't like it and it turns me off. He does it less now but stil occasionally does it and is annoyed that I dont laugh about it. He thinks I'm cold and unaffectionate and I think he might be right.
He does loads round the house, he works and helps out with the dc but is quite regimented and for example would always put the housework before helping the dc with something "not important." He is considerate to me and can do some lovely things, eg run me a bath when I've had a bad day or let me go for a nap while he looks after the dc if I'm knackered. We have lots of plans for the future.
We're bad with money. I look after the finance and try to say what we need to stick to but he still fritters money away on rubbish. If you asked he would say my accounting is rubbish and he was good with money on his own. I know that not to be true but I think maybe I am rubbish with money too. I've never had a chance to find out, I went from school to an abusive relationship to my relationship with DH.
He thinks I cling on to stuff in the past too much and I should be able to forget it and move on. I agree. I don't know why I can't. I think I don't want to be with him but then I think maybe I'm just one of those 'grass is always greener' type of people. I don't trust myself to make decisions, I always make the wrong one and this is huge. We separated for a while before and things were meant to change. They are better than they were but still not perfect. I think I might be the problem and if I leave I'll just mess up my dc nice stable life and still go on and make a mess some place else. I don't trust myself to be alone.
I'm so sorry this is so long. It hasn't really made my head any clearer but it feels good to write it down.
I didn't want to read and run but I'm sure that someone will be along soon. with advice. Hugs.
How about you both going to couples therapy to see if you can sort out the issues that still remain.
The sex thing still isn't resolved is it - it's a bone of contention between you.
The money thing isn't sorted out either - you aren't managing to be equally and mutually accountable to each other.
Thanks for the replies.
I just don't know what to do about the sex thing. He's mentioned it 3 times since he's been in from work and I know the quickest way to get an easy life is to just have sex tonight but every bone in my body is pulling me away from it.
Seems like his reactions when you are not in the mood are what causing these problems.
Someone should tell him to stop his behaviour because it will not help. The last thing he wants is a wife who feels sex is like a chore. Sex should be a fun thing to do all the time! and as a husband he should make sure it stays that way.
For now you having sex to keep him quiet is telling him his stroppy behaviour works. You need to be firm and remain firm.
Only you can make a decision as to if you should stay or not, but aside from that it sounds to me like you are blaming yourself a lot. Have you ever considered counselling? Either as a couple or alone for you?
I have been having counselling for some time and it really helps me to understand my own feelings and thoughts which I had never been very good at before.
I think you need to try to understand your feelings more and respect them, I have a hard job doing that myself.
Counselling yes. Do try it. I would do some sessions on your own for starters to sort out your feelings.
I am not surprised you have no interest in sex if he's got history for groping you in that way. It's annoying, invasive and so far opposite from being attractive. Where is the affection? Where are the cuddles that don't demand a sexual price?
I'm not sure what you get out of this relationship. He puts the blame on you an awful lot for things that are actually a joint responsibly. Many men do all the positives you describe above without being sexually inappropriate and irresponsible financially.
By early evening he's mentioned sex three times? To me that sounds like a lot of pressure.
I think counselling for you would be a great idea.
the quickest way to get an easy life is to just have sex tonight but every bone in my body is pulling me away from it.
This kind of statement suggests that there is more going on than meets the eye. It's not about different sex drives; it goes deeper than that, because the language you're using is quite extreme.
You shouldn't have to do something for an easy life. And if you feel as if he's staking a claim,then perhaps he is.
Also, groping is disrespectful. It's not a joke, and you've told him you don't like it. It should have stopped immediately, not lessened off.
He thinks I cling on to stuff in the past too much and I should be able to forget it and move on.
...maybe, but it depends what he's referring to. Things from long ago, or things he's done, that he wants you to forget?
I do agree that counselling for you might be very helpful.
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