I am currently having some counselling to deal with some "stuff". One of the things that has come out of this is a lot of my people-pleasing/anxiety stems from the fact my mother used to have really sudden "rages" about stuff. Suddenly blow up about minor things (washing not being put away for example). Mum's rages would largely be directed at my DSis..and often take the form of her hitting DSis. I was the favoured child - the anger - or rage - would rarely be directed at me. I just had to watch it. My way of coping as well would be just to do the thing making mum mad..put the washing away, tidy the cushions - what ever. As my counsellor pointed out, I spent a lot of my childhood feeling frightened and anxious about mum's rages. And guilt that they were rarely directed at me.
So, anyhoo....just a bit of background there so you understand why I want to ask my question. Following the realisation that yes, it was bloody frightening sometimes growing up with these rages, I thought that I never want my children to have that fear of me. Actually makes me sick just thinking of it. And of course it starts you analysing and thinking. And wondering which bits of you you need to be aware of. Which bits of me do I need to "fix".
I know I can shout sometimes. I think most parents do at one time or another. And like most parents I would really, really like not too have to shout. I do have other strategies - counting, making things funny, calm repeating, reward systems etc. And use these on a fairly regular/successful basis. Very occasionally I need to use a time out too. So I try (and mostly) succeed in never parenting like my mother. But my DCs are 5yo and 8yo at the moment. My mother worst behaviour was when we were early teens.
What I am here for really (and sorry is so long) is to find out if what goes on internally - inside me - is normal. Because despite what happens with me biting my tongue, taking a breath and counting etc inside I do get really cross with them sometimes. And one of the things that took me to counselling was how I was feeling - if my anxiety levels rise generally I become more shouty. I get cross/angry internally more often. And I just realised that sometimes I get a bit of a "rage" too. You see your 5yo DS still not dressed - and "ARGGGGG - Will you get ON with it". So a shout is as bad as it gets. But - my body tenses and my teeth grit. Just a little bit. Not Hulk-like. But it is a physical "anger". IYSWIM.
Is this fleeting rage just me? Is it part of my upbringing? Is this because of my mother if you like? Or are these little flashes quite normal and we all have them. It is how we deal with them that is important? Do you get them? Do I have to be super aware as they are not normal?
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Am I normal...or is this like my mother? (A bit long sorry)
MyFirstName · 12/03/2014 09:54
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