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Do you really love / adore / couldn't be without your DH?

(83 Posts)
ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 07:45:17

Because I don't hmm

I do love him, we laugh together, he's a great father but all in all deep down I've always known he's not my soul mate. He's not very emotionally intelligent. He's doesn't get me really.

He has a great life, I do everything for him and the kids. I feel like he doesn't appreciate me at all. His lack of support became evident last night when I asked him to put our youngest (6m) to bed straight to bed after bath as I'm trying to instill a good night time routine (my DS is yet to sleep through hmm I'm EBF so getting up in night is all me, I want his help trying to fix it) he said no he wanted to watch a film with DD and he couldn't do both.

There are two nights out of the week when he's not at the gym that he is supposed take over n I am go gym (or whatever). During the day on these nights he often rings and asks me to have them bathed, fed and ready for Film Night confused WTF do I get film night? I ended up staying at home and getting DS to bed myself (he slept throughgrin) whilst he watched Disney.
There is a huge atmosphere, we rowed a lot last night in which he said some really hurtful things inc swearing, get out of his face, I'm tryin to stop him spending quality time with DD apparently etc. this was all done through text because we can't actually talk to eachother about anything deep or meaningful. he's not bothered saying goodbye or making me coffee this morning (he's always done this).
Right now I can't stand him and want him to go.

headlesslambrini Wed 12-Mar-14 07:52:02

Sounds to me that you do love him but you are going through a tough time. I think most parents have been there at some time -I can certainly remember feeling like this many times over the years. My DCs are older now and now quite so reliant on me and I feel that I am slowly getting my life back. You do need to talk. Communication is the only way to get through these times. Write him a letter - it worked for me.

headlesslambrini Wed 12-Mar-14 07:53:08

*NOT quite so reliant

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 07:55:58

I wouldn't adore some one unconditionally that treated me like this either

It doesn't matter what other people think about their partners, yours is not treating you with respect and with that comes resentment

littleredsquirrel Wed 12-Mar-14 07:56:11

Oh dear. I really think you HAVE to sit down and talk. Send him an email appointment if necessary so that he realises he is going to have to actually talk to you not text. You can't make a relationship work if you can't talk.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Mar-14 07:58:16

It sounds as if you do love him but you are DEFINATELY picking up more of the work than him. If its his night to come in and take over then he should do bath time...not expect you to hand over when there's nothing left to do. He's being selfish. I think all you can do is try to tell him )hard when the communication isn't great) but stick to your gym nights etc and hand over the children Unbathed etc so he HAS to do the night routine. He needs to know his tricky it is and of you do it all the time he'll not understand how much hard work it is.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 12-Mar-14 07:59:26

Ps- agree with anyfucker...this situation is going to breed resentment and that kills a relationship very fast.

ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 08:00:32

It was a thread I red this morning that provoked me to write this one. It was among how you knew you should marry DH. It was full of I love the bones of him, I couldn't live without him, he's my best friend etc. I just thought nope, nope, nope none of them apply to me

headlesslambrini Wed 12-Mar-14 08:04:17

DH wasnt any of that stuff to me either when the DCs were little but he is now.

ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 08:05:20

One exchange:-
Me- I'm asking for your support or shall we not bother trying to fix it? How long am I expected to carry on like a robot?
You just sit on the couch watching films n jumping on trampoline that's what being a parent is all about.
You could spend time with them both getting ready for bed. She loves her baths with her baby bro and running around getting jimmies on, not that you'd know

Him- yes that's exactly what it's about having fun, you knob, having fun. Do you know what that is el? Go to the gym and get out of my face.

hmm

littleredsquirrel Wed 12-Mar-14 08:05:32

Relationships are tough. Most of us have to deal with difficult times throughout our marriages because life has a habit of throwing things at us. However throughout it all you need to be able to talk things through. You might completely disagree about things but unless you talk about them then they fester and things spiral downwards.

littleredsquirrel Wed 12-Mar-14 08:09:13

OK I get your point but if you step back and read what you've written its very accusatory and does look very critical.

How about

I really need to talk to you. You're a great father to the children and you have great fun with them and thats a wonderful thing that they'll remember when they're older. But the boring stuff needs to be done too and I need some of that affection you give to the kids. Can we work out a way of mixing the two?

MistressDeeCee Wed 12-Mar-14 08:15:46

Him- yes that's exactly what it's about having fun, you knob, having fun. Do you know what that is el? Go to the gym and get out of my face.

OP - your DH is bloody cheeky. It would serve him right it you 'got out of his face' forever.

During the day on these nights he often rings and asks me to have them bathed, fed and ready for Film Night
So, you have to have DCs bathed & ready before he spends evening with them? He's lazy.

He's closing you down and not listening to you. Write him a letter - if he screws it up or doesn't bother to read it or won't discuss it with you then perhaps you'd consider counselling - not with him, alone - to explore your feelings.

No wonder you resent him - and he's in danger of killing your feelings for him stone dead

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 08:27:14

He sounds very unpleasant and not keen at all to listen to your viewpoint. I presume you have tried the "nice" approach and it got you nowhere or you wouldn't be posting here.

He called you a knob ? Who does he think he is ? I really hope he didn't do that in front of your DC.

Greysandybeach Wed 12-Mar-14 08:55:45

What does he mean by "go to the gym"?. I agree that you sound probably rightly resentful and that comes across in your criticism. Tell him what he needs to do to clearly. However it does sound like he talks to you without much respect. I would not stand for that from my dh.

Lovingfreedom Wed 12-Mar-14 09:00:52

Sounds like a lazy, entitled man-child. Love is great but having a partner who actually pulls their weight is better.

AgathaF Wed 12-Mar-14 09:01:26

I agree with littleredsquirrel - what you have written is very confrontational and probably guaranteed to get most people's backs up.

However, there is clearly a problem and I can understand that you feel frustrated etc.

Can you communicate effectively about other things as a couple? Were you able to be constructive within arguments before the children? I think you both need to learn, or relearn, how to get your points across. Obviously, he also needs to learn how to not take you for granted too.

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 12-Mar-14 09:06:50

I wouldn't worry about the people who 'love the bones of them' etc, etc. Everyone loves differently. I never feel I couldn't live without my partner, any partner, except maybe for that one supremely loved up hour after sex.

I would be very concerned with the way he expects you to do all the 'business' in the home and he gets all the good times. Would you be able to write this down to tell him perhaps? Does he often call you a nob? That would enrage me.

ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 09:20:38

I can see it looks critical littlered but there's been a lot of build up to that message. And I have big issues with him (as far as parentis concerned) getting the easy ride, always being the fun one etc whilst I am the one reigning in, reminding them of time, stopping fun, saying no to more choc, tidying up around them etc.

Really pisses me off

ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 09:25:59

And name calling isn't the norm but does tend to occur in arguments.

Does seem like a total lack of respect.

Last week he did blow up at me infront of DD (she's only 2) which enraged me. That was the first time. We're really not in a good place at the mo.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Wed 12-Mar-14 09:28:14

Yes I do love and adore my DH, I couldn't be without him, I love him deeply

But I wouldn't if he behaved like your DH

He sounds lazy, rude and selfish. No wonder you feel as you do

You say he has a great life and you do everything? Well I would absolutely stop that right now. Why should he swan around doing nothing while you get all the hard bits?

I would find it very hard to find any respect at all for a man like that

littleredsquirrel Wed 12-Mar-14 09:52:48

I love my DH to bits but he also annoys the hell of me with some of the things he does. I get frustrated with him for spending hours playing with the DCs and I sometimes feel like he does all the fun stuff and I do the boring stuff. I do get it, really I do.

But I know that if I had that conversation with him he'd immediately go on the defensive and he would close down and see me as a nag when he's trying to have fun and spend quality time with the DCs. So I have to approach it differently. And the way to do that is for me to say "I'm really struggling at the moment and can we focus on x so that I can stop worrying about it."

Believe me it really is difficult for everyone. We've been together for years and its taken a long time to learn how to communicate with each other in the most effective way.

ElBombero Wed 12-Mar-14 12:15:49

Thanks everyone I will try and write something down and see how it is taken.

Yes all business I do all bills, finances, insurance policies, shopping, cooking, washing. He washing up after tea, that is only job confused

The thing is I don't really mind doing it all (I am the better cook, I am more thorough with cleaning, my bath times with kids are calm were as his often end up with crying and stress for both parties etc) but my problem is the complete lack of respect, appreciation and well any sort of intimacy or togetherness. If I had someone to flop on the couch with at night at talk to, cuddle and laugh with I think I'd be ok but I'm lucky if he asks me how my days gone.

BendyBusBuggy Wed 12-Mar-14 12:32:11

ElBombero I would be hurt at the lack of appreciation too. I would not expect too much on the "how was your day" front though. There's a Seinfeld clip that sums it up IMO. About 56 seconds in to the end:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGcv9KSZgvA

smoothieooo Wed 12-Mar-14 12:34:41

At times I do love and adore him and we get on really well. Need to knock that on the head though and get real as we're due to get divorced this year sad

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