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DW and DD have been at again; too upset to sleep

(104 Posts)
DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 12-Mar-14 00:09:11

This evening DD remarked that her phone wasn't working. She has another basic phone which works. This DW knows, or we (DD and I) thought she did. DW decided, without being asked to turn the house upside down at bedtime looking for a working phone. DD, meanwhile, had been feeling a bit gloomy as teenagers do, so like a sensible person had gone to bed. DW finds another phone, presents it to DD by waking her up, and then has a massive rant when she isn't immediately showered with kisses. DD was reduced to hysterical crying, ran out into the back garden. DW goes to bed in a strop. I get DD indoors, cuddle her while she cries herself out, put her to bed, and repeat the process with DW who is now saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc.
So I'm lying here with my blood pressure through the roof again. Grr.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 12-Mar-14 00:09:55

Bugger. Insert "it" after "at" in title.

BillyBanter Wed 12-Mar-14 00:11:45

Does DW often make such threats?

Quinteszilla Wed 12-Mar-14 00:14:25

Is your wife usually this unstable? You say Again twice.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 12-Mar-14 00:15:30

Does DW have mental health problems, or is she 'difficult' a lot of the time?
If she's doing this sort of thing regularly then she needs to go and see the GP about getting some help. Because it's not fair to expect you and especially your teenage DD to put up with constant drama llama behaviour.

sunbathe Wed 12-Mar-14 00:17:35

So why didn't you tell DW that DD had a phone?

RandomInternetStranger Wed 12-Mar-14 00:19:19

DW sounds very unstable & like she needs some help tbh.

ArtexMonkey Wed 12-Mar-14 00:20:11

Well. Maybe your wife's version would be "my dd went to bed really miserable because her phone stopped working. So I turned the house upside down looking for another one for her, while me dh sat there watching me and saying nowt despite it later transpiring that he knew she had another one. Anyway, I took this other phone up to her and she was pissy and ungrateful. I was cross! So she ran out into the garden and had a shit fit. Dh has totally taken her side. I feel like nothing I do is good enough for either of them, and sometimes it seems like it's them vs me, and it's really getting me down"

ArtexMonkey Wed 12-Mar-14 00:27:47

.... Because, op, do you see what you have done here? You say your dd 'had been feeling a bit gloomy' so 'went to bed like a sensible person', whereas you say your dw 'went to bed in a strop'.

Your Dd had a problem, your dw tried to solve it for her. Yes 'without being asked' - isn't that what parents do? Your dd's behaviour was just as stroppy and dramatic as your dw's - but you're putting all this on your dw? Do you often undermine her parenting like this?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 12-Mar-14 00:31:31

Oh about once every six months or so. Rare enough not to be really worried.

I think it's overcompensating for MIL's early neglect of her mostly; very different to my own parenting style which is a non-judgmental, talk it through, "being there" thing. Hardest bit is not to enter into a conspiracy with DD, because I've seen it elsewhere and it isn't pretty.

Just needed a vent, sorry.

olgaga Wed 12-Mar-14 00:34:52

Did you tell DW there was another phone? Why didn't you help her look for it?

BillyBanter Wed 12-Mar-14 00:38:35

you've not said why you didn't say it's all right she has a spare already.

Even if you didn't then threatening to drive into the river sounds very over dramatic.

ArtexMonkey Wed 12-Mar-14 00:41:06

"Hardest bit is not to enter into a conspiracy with DD"

Too late. That ship has sailed. Have another read of your op. it's much more reasonable to get very upset because you feel unappreciated and ganged up on in your own home than it is to get very upset because your phone stops working and someone kindly provides you with another one and expects basic manners - yet you've portrayed your wife as this unstable drama llama.

Monty27 Wed 12-Mar-14 00:41:26

Why didn't you give dd the other phone? confused

AgaPanthers Wed 12-Mar-14 00:42:22

Why did you just sit there while she ransacked the house? Did you not say anything?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 12-Mar-14 00:45:53

Oops, x-post. I was helping turn the house upside down and I'd told DW that DD had another working phone. This wasn't heard or was ignored.

Artex: you do things for an 8 year old without being asked. With an 18 year old you should permit them the basic respect of letting them sort their own problems. You don't do unwanted favours, wake the recipient fron sleep, call her names and then crash out of the room. Or maybe you do.

Hissy Wed 12-Mar-14 00:46:23

One every 6m?

Not enough to be very worried?

You do realise these are the memories your dd will grow up to remember?

The ones she'll be breaking speed limits to get the fuck away from.

It is not acceptable for anyone to treat anyone else the way your DW does. Ever.

You do know that, right?

You need to tell her to sort herself out TODAY, and if she does that shit again, it will be the last thing she does before she's divorced.

Bollocks to the bullshit that is the melodramatic driving into a lake. She only says that to keep her victims hooked to her.

Has your W been tested for borderline? Something's not right, and it's not healthy for you or your dd to live with.

Time to draw a line in the sand here.

Most of us would behave in a way such as that ONCE, but then be so mortified, we'd never ever do it again.

You don't wake people up to demand praise and adoration ffs

You can see this, right?

TheTruffleHunter Wed 12-Mar-14 00:47:34

Yeah, another one on the side of your 'crazy DW' here. She might have got it wrong on this occasion (understandably) but don't give her shit for that, surely!

pinkyredrose Wed 12-Mar-14 00:48:15

OP you must love drama as your actions or lack thereof certainly sem to encourage it.

ravenAK Wed 12-Mar-14 00:48:18

very different to my own parenting style which is a non-judgmental, talk it through, "being there" thing.

Totally seeing the non-judgmental thing. It shines out of you, OP. Something does, anyway.

All this cuddling & calming sounds quite a bit like a smokescreen for playing your wife & daughter off each other rather than leaving them to resolve a really quite minor tiff between themselves.

There's definitely a drama llama in your house.

BillyBanter Wed 12-Mar-14 00:50:07

This would get such a different response if it was a dad doing it.

GarlicMarchHare Wed 12-Mar-14 00:51:31

Well, you were unreasonable to let all this happen, as if you were a paraplegic mute (apologies if you are.)

This is the bit that worries me: "saying that DD hates her, she's a rotten person, she's going drive the car into the river etc."

She's in a right old state. I'd advise genuine concern for her emotional health, stress levels, etc ... Your reaction to a distraught, suicidal wife? "Grrr."

I'm not surprised she's emotionally dysregulated. Look to yourself, OP.

Monty27 Wed 12-Mar-14 00:54:58

Poor dd. There's something not sitting right with me.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Wed 12-Mar-14 01:01:04

Riiiight.

So you've got two people who've ripped each other up, and you leave them to fester? That's certainly a course of action.

Hissy: Up to a point. That point is way short of divorce IMO.

Trufflehunter: You're right. As I say, I needed to vent.

Thanks for the advice and now I think I'll be off to sleep. Just hope it's not the dream about the lobsters.

ravenAK Wed 12-Mar-14 01:12:14

well, two adult women - given you say dd is 18 - having a silly disagreement about a phone, actually.

All that running out into the garden (dd) & threatening to drive off a bridge (dw) is pretty daft, but I'm not sure that treating them both like tired princesses whom you need to 'cuddle' & 'put to bed' is the answer.

Yes, if two adult people have 'ripped each other up' - you leave them to sort it. By discussion in the morning.

I think I've got the lobsters booked tonight, though. Hate that one!

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