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I've told abusive P that the relationship is over but I feel like an uncaring bitch

(38 Posts)
dogsnfrogs Tue 11-Mar-14 20:23:01

I posted a thread a few days ago about needing to end my relationship, and don't know how to link it here, but a search of my NN should find it. Sorry.

But I made the phone call this morning and he has totally fallen apart, begging me to go back, promising everything will be different, he'll get treatment, he hadn't realised how ill he'd got again, it'll be different this time, he just needed this jolt to realise how bad his behaviour was . . .

I knew it would be like this but I still feel desperately sorry for him. Nobody deserves the shit childhood he had, or other stuff that's left him with huge mh issues, and at the moment I feel like I've just added one more kick when he's down.

I've called his GP & his old psychiatrist to get him support, got hisclosest friend to go and see him, and (very reluctantly) called him this evening when that friend asked me to. In both calls, I tried to be gentle, while repeating firmly that there is no way back, that I just can't do it any more. Turns out he'd hinted that if exP went to GP appointment he's fixed for tomorrow, and gets more treatment sorted, then perhaps I might go back to him. I can understand that friend's immediate aim is to avoid him suiciding but I'm not sure it helps in the long run. (Obviously still hugely grateful to friend for being there for him).

So at the moment I feel like a total shit, and I'm wondering if there is any way we could make it work again.

But I'm also afraid of the time when the shock & hurt turn into anger & he comes looking for me.

Because that is what will happen, isn't it? He's had years of treatment & we've still ended up where we are now. He's not really capable of change, is he?

I'm reading Lundy Bancroft and telling myself I have to stay strong, but it would be so easy right now to just say I'll go back.

JustOneCuppa Tue 11-Mar-14 20:34:42

Not sure I have much to offer but couldn't read and run.

You are not to blame for how he feels, if the relationship was not working then ending it is the only way. You only have a responsibility to to yourself. You have contacted those who can support him going forward. This makes you a good person who cares but knows for your own well being you needed to leave.

Stay strong.

Lweji Tue 11-Mar-14 20:48:53

That's right. You are not responsible for him.
If he is capable of change, he had his opportunity, so don't waste your life on him.

EirikurNoromaour Wed 12-Mar-14 06:32:32

Detach. Stop calling him and stop engaging with his friends. They are well meaning but ultimately misguided. You cannot save this man, ever, and if you try it will be at the expense of your own well being.

bragmatic Wed 12-Mar-14 06:37:20

Yes, agreed with ^^. Stay strong. It's your life too, you know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Mar-14 07:14:44

The turning point came when he broke a broom handle and threatened me with it. Before that, he'd broken things & shaken me by my collar but mostly just shouted in my face. But it's happening more often, it's more violent each time, and the broom incident was in the morning when he couldn't even blame it on drinking.

You've done everything you could reasonably do and you owe him nothing more. Keep yourself safe, stay completely away and don't contact him or this friend of his who clearly has no idea of the true nature of his behaviour. As he's a violent and aggressive man, contact the police non-emergency 101 number, talk to their DV unit, and tell them that you fear reprisals. If they are aware of him they can act more quickly if you need them.

Good luck and stay well away

HowardTJMoon Wed 12-Mar-14 07:15:31

This is your life. It is not a dress rehearsal, this is the only one you get. Use it wisely.

Your happiness is not less important than his fear of being alone. You are not responsible for him or his choices.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Mar-14 07:20:26

BTW... if he threatens suicide again it's even more reason to contact the police and get them to pay him a visit. Suicide threats are often made as a last-ditch attempt at manipulation but also have to be taken seriously - which you've done by contacting his GP. Should he actually kill himself, it would not be your responsibility.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 12-Mar-14 07:56:44

Stay away.

He is NOT going to change. Ever.

You get one life. You're wasting it on him.

Read your threads. He's violent, nasty, bullying. Years of therapy, no change. Funny how he doesn't break down it tears and 'see' what's going on until you're actually leaving, isn't it?

If you want a happy life - stay away. You've got this far. Get free of it.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 08:00:35

It's all just more calculated manipulation. This man never matured past the emotional intelligence of a 3yo and never will. Detach completely. Stop talking to him, his friends and his health professionals

It is not your responsibility to save him from himself, only he Can do that.

knowledgeispower Wed 12-Mar-14 09:28:05

That's a bit harsh on 3 year olds AF wink

Seriously though, I'm expecting a similar thing to happen when I tell P it's all over. It is easy to look at things objectively when it's not happening to you.

I'm not sure I'm in the best place to be dishing out advice but I would say; you have nothing to feel guilty for, his personal happiness and mental health are not your responsibility any more (and never were). He is a grown man and needs to seek help. As you already know if he really loved you he wouldn't be using a supposed breakdown to try and reel you back in.

Plan some nice things and be kind to yourself thanks

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 09:45:19

I apologise to 3y0 everywhere smile

Cantthinkstraightx Wed 12-Mar-14 12:37:27

hey I've just plucked up the courage to file for divorce after 22 years and absolutely know will get the same reomse .H e will now beg and promise change but its never going to happen. Some of the responses on he are so true. We only get one shot at this ! We should hand hold x x

maggiemight Wed 12-Mar-14 13:25:43

He might take his own life but, on the other hand, this might be the point where he gets a grip, turns things around and makes something of his life.

Whichever it is, it is time for you to look after yourself and move on OP.

whitsernam Wed 12-Mar-14 13:46:37

He needs to get himself help, but he needs to do it for himself. He needs to be the best person he can be, for himself; not because he thinks it will get you back. He needs to take care of himself for his own reasons, for his own life. You do not need to feel responsible for him anymore; you are not his mother, and he is not 2.

I know from experience this is not always easy to see when you have cared for someone so much for so long.... but he is not your responsibility. Please do something nice for yourself every day. It will get better eventually....

NewNameForSpring Wed 12-Mar-14 14:35:44

I agree, stop all contact with him, his friend and his health professionals. You will only make things worse otherwise. Good luck with your new life.

dogsnfrogs Wed 12-Mar-14 14:54:53

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really helps to hear you all saying the same thing.

Yes Eirikur I am trying to detach. He texted me this morning after his GP appt & I haven't replied, although he's now talking about couples counselling which I don't think is appropriate for someone with BPD. (I had suggested it several times before I left, but that was with a counsellor who knew both our histories & would not let him turn things around onto me.)

You're right Cogito the friend is just trying to stop him suiciding (which I believe to be very possible). He does not understand the complexity of the problem. I'm just going to have to accept that in time I'll end up being known amongst that circle of friends as the hard-hearted cow who wouldn't come back to her sick P even when he offered to go to counselling. Better than being his 'late partner' I guess.

I have told the police, & asked the GP to confirm his mh issues to them.

knowledge and can't think thanks for your support and here's a hand for you both to hold, too. Take very good care of yourselves, and stay strong.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Mar-14 14:59:38

no to couples counselling

it is not recommended where abuse is present

for the love of God, do not agree to it

DoctorTwo Wed 12-Mar-14 16:42:04

If you read some of the threads on here you see a pattern, these abusers follow a script, they all say more or less the exact same things.

As AnyFucker says, do not go for couples counselling, he will use it against you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 12-Mar-14 16:49:05

The thing is.... that when it comes to self-preservation and self-respect, you have to toughen up fast and genuinely not mind if people call you a hard-hearted cow or any other kind of misogynistic derogatory insult. You're being assertive and, like your manipulative ex, they can think, do and say what they like ... you don't care.

Time to look after #1

AdoraBell Wed 12-Mar-14 17:06:34

You know that you are not a hard hearted cow.

It doesn't matter what his friends think. You displayed your compasión by alerting his GP and friend To his plight. You haven't abandoned him, left him all by his sorry self. You've done your best To prevent him taking his own Life, if that threat isn't just manipulación, in fact you've saved his Life by involving people who can help him. Which is a lot moré than you needed To do.

Now concentrate on doing something nice for yourself and moving on.

And what AF said, besides you are no longer a couple. You've ended the relationship. Nothing there To fix or salvage. Finito. Therefore, no need or reason for couples counselling. You might benefit from some counselling for yourself, if you feel your confidence has been knocked. That's Nothing To do with him though, or his friends/family/ MH support.

wyrdyBird Wed 12-Mar-14 17:55:47

No, please don't go back dogsnfrogs.

It's extremely common - strikingly so - for begging and suicide threats to follow when a domestic abuse survivor makes the break.

But as you rightly say, he's not capable of change. However, he's very capable of manipulating you, and pulling at your heart strings to get you back into line.

I wanted to post a link to a TED talk by Leslie Morgan Steiner, about why it is difficult to leave; and just how dangerous it can be to focus on 'poor man, what an awful past he's had, I need to help him' (TY to Garlic for pointing it out, on another thread). But it might be triggering.

So for now, please remember that it's you that needs help now, and you who need to keep safe. Stay strong, no matter what happens, or whatever anyone says. You're the one that matters now.

HowardTJMoon Wed 12-Mar-14 18:39:31

I'm just going to have to accept that in time I'll end up being known amongst that circle of friends as the hard-hearted cow who wouldn't come back to her sick P even when he offered to go to counselling. Better than being his 'late partner' I guess.

Exactly. He will manipulate them just as he is trying to manipulate you. There's nothing you can do about that. Your real friends will, at the very least, hear your side of the story before passing judgement. But some will believe his bullshit. Either way you still have both the right and the duty to remove yourself from a dangerous situation.

Good luck. You're doing the right thing.

dogsnfrogs Sat 15-Mar-14 13:12:30

Well he's done it. Attempted suicide yesterday afternoon. But contacted 2 separate friends to tell them pretty quickly, so he was taken off to hospital and is seeing a psychiatrist this afternoon.

Friends don't understand the complexity of his problems, and there is some pressure on me to at least contact him.

But I recognise that it's just the next level of manipulation, not just of me but of 8 good friends who have helped & supported him this week. And that made me angry last night, which I guess is an improvement for me.

And today I just feel worn out.My feelings are all over the place. I still care very much for him, and it would be so easy to go back while he sounds so broken. But he's not going to stay like this, is he? At some point the pain & distress will turn to anger and I could still be at risk.

I know it's early days yet, but I feel in limbo. I can't move forward by putting my house on the market & stuff like that, while he remains so desperate and has nowhere else to go.

AdoraBell Sat 15-Mar-14 13:21:24

But he doesn't have Nowhere else. He has at least 8 friends, that's moré than a lot of people have. And most people don't manipulate and then abuse people they claim To love.

I'm sorry that you have this To deal with now but as you said yourself, it probably wasn't a concerned effort To end his own life.

Be kind To yourself, don't Get reeled in and above all else, keep yourself safe.

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